Shit holing fucking money sucks!

Well, guess things are worse than I thought.

Moving in with my grandmother, because I now have no place to live.

And to top it all off, I have just used my last few coins to come to the cyber cafe to send a couple of emails and blog.

I don't know when I'll be back again, but I hope it'll be soon.

Money's non-existant, and I'm gonna have to ask my parents for money to pay for Frankie's Christmas present.

I don't want to be a downer for everyone though. I seriously hope you all have a great Christmas, Hanukkah, whatever. And a great New Year.

Love to all.

My sexy name????

Try it!

Which Superhero are you?

I found this on the Superman Homepage, and decided to take it.

Your results:
You are Superman

Superman 85% Robin 77% Spider-Man 70% Green Lantern 65% Hulk 60% Supergirl 55% The Flash 55% Catwoman 50% Batman 35% Wonder Woman 25% Iron Man 25%

You are mild-mannered, good, strong and you love to help others.

Click here to take the "Which Superhero are you?" quiz...


This kind of fits perfectly with me!!! :D
Try it and find out!

After a long wait, I'm back, with a non-death in the family!

Have you waited for me? I don't know, maybe.

But as my best friend pointed out to me, not 10 minutes ago, to write in this blog I must write in this blog, to write about "what's in my head, no matter what".

Where to begin, oh where to begin??

Let's start with my life.

Unfortunately I lost my job, this sucks serious bananas. Moron bosses didn't want to pay me what was agreed upon, and they wanted to withold the money either way, so I told them to find someone else. Now I'm looking like crazy, because if I don't find a job very very very soon, I'm gonna have to live with my grandmother (OH GOD, not again!!!!!).

Frankie and I are having a great time together. He's such a smart kid. Day before yesterday, he and I were playing in front of my parents summer house, when he asked me "Papa, what's nothing?"

How the hell do you quantify "nothing" to a 3 year old!??? It's such a deep question. Shows he's got more brains than his old man.

On another note, I met this amazing woman a few weeks ago. Met her through a Uruguayan chat. She and I click on sooooo many levels. She's a year older than me, she's finishing her pre-law degree (here in Uruguay it's the equivalent of being a Notary Public), and she lives close to my parent's summer home.

We have a great time together, and we care for each other, but we're both coming off long term relationships, and we both have a lot going on in our heads. This woman fills my thoughts, I long to call her constantly, just being near her makes me smile.

Just so I could spend some time with her I've been helping her study for her finals. Yesterday we were together about 4 hours, studied for about 3 hours and just talked for the last hour. I was floating.

On to other news...

Yesterday, once I got to my parent's place, I said hi to my mom and I noticed that she had been crying. I asked her what was wrong, and she asked me if I knew Frank. I was floored, the only Frank I know is mine and Gabe's friend in Canada. When I told her yes, that he was a friend in Canada, she then asked me if Frank was gay. I had no idea where this was coming from, but I explained that Frank was anything but gay, he's married and has a young child, he cheats on his wife constantly, but always with women. At that point my mom says "Gabe's mom committed suicide on Wednesday". This was all coming out of left field.

I was floored.

Apparently my dad had received an email that Gabe sent, congratulating my sister on Joaquin's birth, and then added that his mom had killed herself. He then went on to explain that he and Frank had become very close this past year. He wished everyone a Merry Christmas and that was it. My parents believed that she had caught Gabe and Frank in a sexual situation, and had been so distraught that she had killed herself.

I freaked.

I didn't think it was possible for his mom to have killed herself, and I knew for a fact that neither Gabe or Frank were gay, quite the contrary, they're both very homophobic and macho to the point of trying to screw every woman that passes in front of their eyes. So I rushed to a Cyber Cafe, to check my email and read this letter for myself.

When I finally read it, I understood.

My father, who is a very smart man, but was never great at reading English, had read the email wrong. Gabe had wrote "On a sadder note my best friends Mom killed herself on Wednesday".

My dad, translating into spanish in his head, read "On a sadder note, my friends, Mom killed herself on Wednesday".

I rushed to a phone and explained to everyone that Gabe's mom was very much alive, that it was Frank's mom who had committed suicide.

We were all very relieved.

That being said, I would like to add something. I know that Frank does not know about this blog, and neither does Gabe, but this must be said. My heartfelt condolences go out to Frank's family during this sad time for them. Frank was a very good friend while I was in Canada, and I am quite sad that he and his family must go through this during the holiday seasons. All my love goes out to you.

So as a final point I say this: During this holiday season, hold your loved ones close, cherish the moments you have with them, because we never know how many moments we will have with them. I plan to do this wholeheartedly. Regrettably, I won't be spending Christmas with Frankie, since he will be with his Mom and her family, so I will be spending Christmas alone. I prefer it this way, since it will be my first Christmas without Frankie since he was born, but I will cherish to the max every moment with him.

Love your loved ones without reservations. Show them, tell them, enjoy them.

HNT #3

A gorgeous and beautiful child, my wonderful nephew. An added bonus, that's his dad's hand. Pic taken by me :D

Getting laid is tough!

How annoying is sex when you're not having any?

EXTREMELY!

You think about it constantly. Every word between two people seems to have sexual connotations.

Every look you give seems leacherous, hell they are leacherous!

Not to mention "alone time". It's freaking constant!

I have known people in my life (especially this last year) who have an ease about them regarding the opposite sex. Something I have never been able to master. They are able to have sex with someone without there being any emotional attachment. Since my sexual experiences are extremely limited, this is difficult for me. I guess I equate sex with love, or vice versa.

I had one situation years and years ago, in which I had met a woman. This meeting was purely sexual (NO, it was not a hooker). I found this woman extremely attractive, and apparently she found me attractive (She must have had something wrong with her eyes). But when it came down to it, I couldn't maintain an erection (You have no idea how embarassing this is for me to admit).

I couldn't understand it. She was hot, she turned me on. She would tell me all the things that she wanted to do with me, and even so, nothing!

I finally figured out that it was because there was no emotional attachment. Nothing. She was a very nice, kind woman, but I didn't love her.

So how does one fuck someone if they're not in love? I'm the wrong guy to ask.

Either way the point is moot. To even try to have sex with someone, you have to have someone to have sex with, which I do not.

And that sucks.

Even worse, finding someone is very, very hard!

I'm not the best looking guy, I'm getting divorced, I have a son and I'm a foreigner in this country, add all these up and you get a guy who's becoming a born again virgin!

That sucks.

So how is this remedied?

I have no fucking clue! Normally I'd ask for advice, but who the hell should I ask advice from?

No female friends here to ask. My best friend is in another country. So I guess I'm stuck with the old 5 finger shuffle.

Lucky me.

I miss my friend

You never really know what you have until you lose it.

Someone told me that once, and I never really believed it, until I lived it a dozen different ways this year.

While I was in Canada, I missed my son like crazy, cried myself to sleep most nights thinking of him. I missed my ex-wife (I was missing what our marriage had been, not what it had actually become), I missed being in Uruguay and my friends.

But now I'm here in Uruguay and I lost someone again. My best friend.

She and I met under the strangest circumstances, became friends under weirder ones, and even developed feelings for each other, despite our personal situations. And now that I'm here, I miss her like crazy.

We've barely chatted in month and a half that I've been here. I haven't seen her at all (not even through webcams) except for some HNT pics. And I miss her.

I had the best friend I could ever have imagined having while I was in Canada. I could talk to her about anything and everything. My ex, Frankie, work, women, family problems, desires, dreams, pain. Anything and everything.

She is the best person I have ever known.

And you know what? Despite her personal situations, I should have brought her with me!

Yes I should have. But now she's thousands of kilometers away.

What did I have? The bestest friend. What did I lose? Maybe everything.

How can I fix this?

Congratulate me!!!

Everyone definitely should!

On November 16th, 2005 at 2:26 pm Uruguay time I became an uncle!

My nephew's name is Joaquin and what a gorgeous boy he is!

His birth weight: 3.820 Kgs

He's a BIG boy hehehhehe.

That morning everything was quite normal, when at about 11:30 am I got a call on my cell phone that my sister had started having contractions. I kind of freaked.
I was taking care of Frankie at the time, but since my sister was only 3 cms dilated there was no rush. So Frankie took his afternoon nap (he's so cute while he's sleeping).

Once Frankie woke up I told him that we were going to see his new cousin. He was sooooo excited!

Packed him up (not in a suitcase, he's way too big for that :D) and took the bus to the Hospital (Here in Uruguay it's actually called Sanatorio since the term Hospital is for public medical centers).

Once we got there my dad filled me in. Joaquin had been born through C-section because he was positioned incorrectly for a normal birth. Nothing seriously dangerous, but since my sister wasn't even supposed to make it to term, her doctor didn't want to take any chances.

Another problem had arisen after Joaquin's birth. His body temp was a little low, and this apparently worried the doc. So they put him in an incubator so that his body temp would rise without worries.

He was sooooo gorgeous. A full head of black hair, and very beautiful dark brown eyes. According to everyone he has my mouth (weird I know, but Frankie has my sister's mouth).

I wasn't able to hold him that day because of the incubator, but I stared at him, took about 30 pictures (which I will be posting once my sister returns my camera), and even a couple of videos.

Once Frankie saw him it was like love at first sight. Frankie said to me "Papa, yo quiero mucho a mi primo Joaquin" (Translation "Papa, I love my cousin Joaquin alot").

Since then Frankie has told absolutely everyone he knows and meets about his little cousin Joaquin.

I'm a horrible blogger

Since I got to Uruguay I've been a horrible blogger.

No, really, I have been.

Stop trying to convince me otherwise!

NO, REALLY!

Oh wait, that was my invisible friend trying to convince me.

What is for sure is that this past month here in Uruguay has been completely insane.

When I arrived here in Montevideo, I had decided to try and fight for the woman I love. But I was hurting her by doing that. So I have since decided I will no longer pursue her. She's happy, or at least she looks like she is. I don't think that this guy she's with is the right guy for her, but I do have to respect that she's happy. So, she and I will only be acquaintances and parents of a wonderful boy.

And me?

I'll search for my happiness.

To be honest, even though not being with her was painful, in the past 3 weeks the pain has all but disappeared. It's actually quite relaxing not to have to justify my every move with her, not to have her hovering over me watching every single move I make, not to have her mistrusting me.

So, I will be single. Maybe forever, maybe not. There is a woman that is quite interesting, that I've known for quite a while, but we're friends. I have no pretensions of being in a relationship now. I'm just going to enjoy life as much as I can, especially by spending time with Frankie.

Frankie. What a boy!

He tells me how much he loves me every 5 minutes. We spend a lot of time together, he sleeps over my place every now and then, and we have a great time. Anyone who sees him and spends time with him would automatically say that he's a clone of me. And I agree wholeheartedly.

Since being here, I have started working with an international company as a Call Center Supervisor. Pretty much doing exactly the same thing I was doing while I was in Canada! Love the job, seriously.

I have moved into a little apartment (my budget won't allow for more, yet). Luckily I already had a lot of furniture and appliances, since I just went and picked up almost everything that my ex-wife had. The stuff that I had bought went with me, and we divided up the things that were gifts. In the matter of the gifts, I got the Fridge, the TV, the Couches, my desk and the coffee maker. I kept my bed (although to be honest, I'm thinking of burning it, for reasons any of you may imagine), the stove was mine, as was the DVD player. So all I really need is a Dining room table, and maybe a microwave oven (she got the microwave in the split).

Unfortunately, I still don't have a phone or internet connection at my new place, but there are cyber cafés all over the place, but they aren't that cheap.

All things considered, it's not that bad here. It's a beautiful country, but I guess I'm lonely. I haven't hooked up with any of my old friend from down here, that girl I mentioned, we pretty much play phone tag alot. And I still haven't been able to get used to the time difference between Montevideo and Toronto so that I can chat with my best friend, or Steve or Ken, or even my cousins. Right now here, it's almost 11 am, but over there it's 8 am. That kind of time difference is really fucking up my friendships.

I know everything will settle in though.

I hope.

I know you all missed me!

Well, here I am.

Back after a while.

I'm sure you all want updates as to how it's going with the ex, but nope. I'm not giving updates yet. Mostly because it's not going.

But as promised, I bring you pics! Tons and tons of pics!

My trip here to Uruguay, my son, my son and more of my son. And some of Uruguay too.

Brief description to follow each pic.


This is my boarding gate at Lester B. Pearson International Airport in Toronto.

My trip was going to be a long one. I travelled from Toronto to Santiago, Chile, then from Santiago to Montevideo, Uruguay. Left Saturday October 15th at 11:55pm EST, arrived in Montevideo on Sunday October 16th at 5pm Uruguay time.


A blurry but visible image of the plane I was to travel on.


My carry-on luggage. Including a Batmobile I bought for Frankie.


The view outside my window as we were arriving in Chile.






Amazing views, don't you think? These are the Andes.




Pics of the Airport in Santiago de Chile.


This is the plane I would take from Chile to Montevideo. I had to wait 3 hours in the airport before I could board.


The view as we were arriving in Uruguay.


The Carrasco International Airport in Uruguay.




Arriving in Uruguay, one has to go through Migrations and Customs.




My wonderful Son, Francisco. I gave him that little bottle of water. I spent the first 2 hours in Uruguay holding him and crying.


My dad with Frankie and a set of Hot Wheels cars that I bought for my boy.


Frankie standing in front of my sister's pregnant belly. He talks to his little unborn cousin.








Isn't he gorgeous while he takes his nap?






These are pics of the view of the Montevideo Rambla. This is literally a street that runs the length of the coastline along the whole eastern coast of the country. It's filled with beaches and beautiful sights. These are taken from the neighbourhood of Pocitos, where I'm currently living.

Well, I hope you've all enjoyed these pics. Don't worry, more are to come.

I guess you could consider these HNT's but, not really. Either way, I'm ecstatic to be with my boy.

I'm probably a huge idiot

I had a talk with my wife.

Jeez, am I ever foolish.

When I saw her again yesterday, things became very clear for me. I want her back. I've made that decision. I've no doubt that it's probably the dumbest thing I've ever done.

I told her.

We went out for a coffee, and she asked me why I came back. I always knew that I would see Frankie again no matter what. He's my son. And that is impossible to refute. I would be with him again no matter what!

But I could have arranged it so that Frankie could go to Canada. It would have been difficult, and would probably have taken a lot of time, but I could have done it.

So why did I come back?

Her.

It's always been her.

And I told her.

She says she's happy.

That may very well be true.

But I changed when I was in Canada. I used to be a not-nice person. I decided long ago to kill that person. My thoughts of actually hurting her boyfriend were a foolish childish lash-out.

My thoughts of hurting myself also were.

I may never succeed at my task. But I came back to win her back.

And I will do so or die trying.

I cannot make her choices for her. Her choice to love me or not to love me will be her choice and hers alone. But I can and will do everything to show her that I am the person for her. I am the only one in the world who loves her this much, has always loved her and will love her until the day she dies and beyond.

She asked me, and I accepted, that I not say anything to anyone else here in Uruguay (does this blog count?). But even if I don't breathe a word of my decision to anyone else, everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, will see what my decision is, just by my actions. They will see that with every step I take, I am committed to being with her.

I may never end up with her though.

Have I thought about that? Yes, definitely. And I have decided that if that happens, then so be it. I will fight until the day of my death for her love.

Do I realize that this may mean that I will never love again?

No, it does not mean this, because I know, and I always have known somewhere deep down (and I think most people have seen this, aside from my depressions) that I always have and always will love her. My love is secure.

What about her boyfriend?

He has committed some serious errors. Not only in how he initiated their relationship, but also in contact with me. But one thing is definite. He can't deal with me. He may very well wish to initiate a physical confrontation, I will do nothing to initiate one, but if this happens, rest assured I will end it.

What do I plan on doing?

Showing her how much I love her with everything I do. Showing her that I am not the selfish child I once was. I will not try to convince her. In fact I will not shower her with constant "I love you's" or "Be with me, I'm the one for you". My attitude and my actions will show her I am the one man she should be with.

Am I not disrespecting her decision by doing this?

That may be the opinion of some people out there. There is nothing I can do to avoid this. But I do not believe this to be the case. Her decision is, and always has been, her decision. If she chooses to ignore me for the rest of my natural (and unnatural) life, that is her choice, and I do respect that. But, my actions and decisions are my own.

Why don't I just let go and find love elsewhere?

I did try this. Many of you who read this blog know this. But there was no way I could give my heart over to someone else completely unless it were ready to be given. It was not, nor will it ever be. I believe that deep down, someone already knew this.

So, for better or for worse, and I do believe it to be for better, my life's path has been decided. I think I decided it on a fateful day in August of 1996, when a tall, gorgeous Uruguayan woman butted into an airplane line-up in front of me in Brazil.

And I've never been happier.

Delayed HNT#2

Sorry for the delay everyone.

Here's my 2nd HNT posting.

I only have a few more hours left before I leave, and the bags are packed. Too bad Ben Affleck and Liv Tyler aren't here to sing to me

This is one of my suitcases. As some may be able to tell, I'm travelling Air Canada.



Wish me luck!

And the bombardment continues....

As everyone might know, once I get back to Uruguay I'm going to be taking a hell of a lot of pics of me and my boy.

So, just to start you off, here's a pic of him and his best friend at a Birthday Party.

Let's find out a little bit more about me...

I was sent this email this afternoon.

I was directed to email it out to people, but when I started compiling the list of who I was going to send it to it was so embarassingly short I decided to post it on my blog.

Anyone who likes it can do it themselves :-)


Welcome to the Fall 2005 edition of getting to know your friends. If you're bored with the weather, this will keep you busy for awhile. What you are supposed to do is copy (not forward) this entire email and paste it into a new one. Change all the answers so they apply to you and then send this to a whole bunch of people, including the person who sent it to you. The idea is that you will learn a lot of little things about your friends that you probably didn't know already.

1. What time did you get up this morning? 6:00

2. Diamonds or pearls? I like both, but I prefer Amethysts

3. What was the last film you saw in the cinema? Spider-Man 2, but I download a lot of movies now.

4. What's your favorite TV show? Veronica Mars

5. What did you have for breakfast this morning? Glass of OJ

6. What's your favorite cuisine? Sorrentinos

7. What foods do you dislike? Beets and Cucumbers

8. What is your favorite chip flavor? Sour Cream & Onion

9. What's your favorite CD at the moment? Bon Jovi "Have a nice day"

10. What kind of car do you drive? None, but sometimes my grandfather's Pontiac

11. Favorite sandwich? Ham and Turkey with Homemade mayo

12. What characteristics do you despise? When people insult others

13. Favorite item of clothing? T-shirt and jeans

14. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? Greece

15. What color is your bathroom? White

16. Favorite brand of clothing? I really like Tommy Hilfiger, but anything that's comfortable

17. Where would you retire to? My beach house (or it will be when my parents kick the bucket)

18. Favorite time of the day? mid-afternoon

19. What was your most memorable birthday? 12, 18, 26, 29 (the last one, not for good reasons)

20. Where were you born? Toronto, Ontario

21. Favorite sport to watch? Baseball, Soccer (in the stadiums), Swim tourneys

22. Who do you least expect to send this back to you? Probably noone will

23. Person you expect to send it back first? Cowgirl

24. What fabric detergent do you use? Tide

25. Were you named after anyone? My grandfather and my dad's nickname

26. Do you wish on stars? Everynight

27. When did you last cry? Today

28. Do you like your handwriting? yes

29. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? No

30. Are you a daredevil? I wish I were more of a daredevil

31. Do looks matter? Not at all. True beauty lies in thoughts, words, and soul. When these characteristics flourish, beauty becomes apparent.

32. How do you release anger? I used to punch walls and tanks, now i cry or bury my anger

33. Where is your second home? I'm going back to my true home (although I don't really have one)

34. What were your favorite toys as a child? Loved my Transformers

35. What class in High School was totally useless? OAC French

36. Do you use sarcasm a lot? Constantly

37. Favorite movies? The Truth about Cats and Dogs, Fools Rush In (I know I will get razzed for these)

38. What are your nicknames? Pabs, Pableets, Danny, Foreign Guy, Pablito

39. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Never have never will

40. Do you think that you are strong? I know I am, but emotionally I'm weak as a wet tissue

41. What's your favorite ice cream flavor? Chocolate with Peanut Butter Chunks

42. What are your favorite colors? Blue, Red, Black

43. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? My weight and my looks

44. What do you miss the most? My son, and smiling

45. Do you want everyone you sent this to send it back? God, yes

46. What color pants are you wearing? Blue Jeans

47. What are you listening to right now? Theory of a Deadman

48. Last thing you ate? Pizza

49. If you were a CRAYON what color would you be? Purple

50. Last person you talked to on the phone? A customer at work

51. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Eyes and ass

52. Favourite Drink? Scotch

53. Do you wear contacts? no

54. Favorite Day(s)? Saturdays

55. Scary Movies or Happy Endings? Happy Endings

56. Summer or winter? Summer

57. Hugs OR Kisses? Kisses, I so adore kissing! (Although I've only kissed 4 women in my life)

58. What Is Your Favorite Dessert? Usually skip dessert

59. What Book(s)Are You Reading? Stephen King's "Bag of Bones"

60. What's On Your Mouse Pad? Marvin the Martian, Daffy Duck, Yosemite Sam

61. What Did You Watch Last night on TV? CSI, Daddy Daycare

62. Favorite Smells? Fresh baked blueberry muffins

63. Rolling Stones or Beatles? Rolling Stones

64. Do you have any pets? 1 dog (she's with my sister now)

65. Are you in love? I plead the 5th

66. Where do you live? Mississauga, Ontario, but in 8 days that's changing to Montevideo, Uruguay

My first HNT...

Ok, this is my first HNT, and hopefully not my last.

Lack of inspiration and sheer embarassment led me to post this picture (no way was I gonna post a pic of my hairy ass the first time out).

Either way, this does matter to me, as you can see my Make Poverty History wristband.

Suggestions for my next HNT are welcome :-)

The memories we take

As my time here grows shorter, I find myself wondering, will I miss Canada? Will I take anything of worth with me when I leave?

I have 10 days left before I leave this country, and to be honest I am grateful for my time here in Canada. I didn't enjoy a lot of it, but I will take some beautiful memories with me when I leave.

Canada has given me an education, it's given my family everything, up until 8 years ago. The last 8 years my history and my life have been Uruguay and the people in Uruguay, but I can not forget what Canada means to me. My father became a world-recognized welder and fabrication engineer here in Canada. My mother, had the possibility to spend almost all of her time as a stay at home mother. My sister and I had every single benefit in the world. Canada gave well to my family. But my life no longer lies in Canada.

So when I leave, my memories will include my amazing friendships: Al, Gonzalo, Amanda, Terry, Gabe, Frank, Steve, Saami, Ken, Mary, Lis, Edwin, Joanne, Zima. The amazing times I spent with them: The trip to Wasaga, the dancing at Blue Suede Sue's, the failed trips to Ten, the sheer embarassment while trying to hit on girls and having absolutely zero success (even though Edwin kept saying I was good looking), the drunken idiocies which we will never speak of, but will always remember, the sheer terror of finding a woman bobbing up and down on me, a trip I took up north in the middle of a work week for a fleeting glance at an angel.

These are all good memories, wonderful memories that I will carry with me fondly always.

I have made virtual friends also, all these people online who read my misadventures in love and parenting (although I haven't done much parenting lately), these people will also stay in my heart and in my mind always.

Unfortunately there are also sad and bad memories to accompany these good ones. Stupid choices to help supposed friends, expenses when I shouldn't have spent a dime, the pain I felt during the whole F debacle (and it's ongoing). I will carry all this too.

I have fallen, I have flown, I have learned, I have lost, I have smiled, and I have cried. I have lived.

And yet, I have no intentions of returning to Canada in the near future, or to be honest in the far future. The time I spent away from Frankie was enough to teach me that even if I never love again, I can never be away from my boy again.

My time here has changed me. I don't know if it's changed me for the better or for worse, but there has definitely been a change. I have become less a happy man, and more a cynical man. I no longer allow my feelings to drive me, but logic and reason, and I will not let anyone stand in the way of what I want anymore. If living in this world means being cruel and insensitive then that's how I will be. I do not like this, but I will do it. And I will achieve my goals.

And yet, I take from this experience friendships and kindness. I take memories that will never be erased. I take from this everything that a man should take from an experience, continuance of life.

And the preparations continue...

So this weekend I took significant steps in my preparation to return to Uruguay.

Some of you might still be wondering about the date I'm leaving (unless you're bored to tears with my blog, and only stop by to see if I've uploaded any more pics of Frankie).

Well the confirmed date is October 15, 2005. My plane leaves at 11:55 pm that night. I will be arriving in Montevideo, Uruguay October 16th at 5 pm local time.

I know, I know, it's pretty damned soon, but I miss my boy. Also, I won't have a job after the 14th, so I might as well leave.

The interesting thing is that noone in my family down south (except my dad and my grandpa) know that I'm arriving on the 16th. They actually believe that I'll be arriving at the end of the month. Although I've asked my dad to arrange for Frankie to be at the airport to greet me. I can't wait.

Now, you may all be wondering why am I not letting anyone know? My father and grandfather are sworn to secrecy, but noone else knows. I've actually been considering some revenge. A friend of mine in Uruguay offered to seduce F's new/old boyfriend so that she might feel some of what I've felt. And I was planning on doing some surveillance to help my friend, while noone knows I'm there.

I know, this seems low and childish. But I was hurt. And I've been hurt too many times in my life and I've just taken it, pushed it down low and let people continue to hurt me. Now it's time for me to not let myself get hurt anymore, it's time for me to strike back.

Now I was given some advice this morning, that this is a bad idea. I do understand that point of view, believe me I do. But the thing that hurts, the thing that I felt helpless against, was the hope she gave me and took away, the fact that 2 weeks after I left Uruguay she got pregnant, my son calling someone else "daddy", the betrayal I felt after I had not only given all of my love to her, but my entire soul. Even today, she is still the woman I compare other women against.

Pathetic, I know.

So now, I'm at a crossroads, do I continue down this road, which will inevitably hurt her (and I know that the limp-dicked ass muncher will fall, he's exactly that type of guy) or do I swallow all my pain down and just continue down the road I have gone down all of my life?

I know that if I set my mind to it, I can make her life and his a living hell, make them experience just a touch of what I've felt these past 9 months. But something a friend of mine said to me this morning still echoes in my head.

"You're not like that"

Aren't I? Do I want to be? What am I like?

Shit.

I'm gonna have to think about this alot.

Moving on....

I've bought a new suitcase for my trip, since my old one has a seriously fucked up zipper. I bought some towels for my grandma, on her request. I bought myself a new pair of jeans and two t-shirts. I'm gonna buy Frankie a Batmobile next week, I promised it to him as well as some Hot Wheels cars. Also I'm gonna buy memory and possibly a new processor for my computer in Uruguay, so that Frankie and I can watch all the movies I've downloaded and burned. Still have to buy more CD-R's, and I'd definitely like to buy some new toiletries.

It'll all be over soon enough. One way or another.

I thought I won an OSCAR!

Not really, but when my boss called us into the boardroom today, at the very least I thought he was either gonna complain about

a) Us doing absolutely nothing except play online pool (since the end is coming we don't really care, it's not like they can threaten to fire us)

b) Us being mean to Vampirella (which we do with so much ease and joy that it is now second nature, and believe me, there was nothing anyone could do to stop us)

c) My porn collection on the PC at work (there isn't one, but I've checked out my share of sites)

Turns out I was completely wrong!

OMG!!! ME WRONG!!??????????????????

Amazing, but it does happen.

Nope, the reason they called us in was to advise us that we will be getting an extra weeks pay on our last day. A kind of severance pay, even though we're not entitled.

WOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is sooooooo going to the "Buy stuff for Frankie Fund"!!!

Seems like the owner of the company with which we had the contract wants us to receive that money.

So I'm pretty damned happy for that :D

Pics of my son's birthday

I received these pictures of Frankie's birthday party at his school.

Hope you like them, because I loved them. Just about cried when I got them.






Doesn't he look great? :-D

Sleeping with a Superhero

I used to sleep with Spider-Man, and oh boy did I love it.

This is not the kind of post you people think it is.

Back in January of '04 after I lost my job (which may have led to my F falling out of love with me [I obsess I know]) F went back to work and I had the wonderful task of taking care of Frankie.

Luckily I was still receiving money from the Uruguayan equivalent of Employment Insurance, which in Uruguay is called Seguro de Paro, so we weren't starving.

My daily routine was fairly simple.

I'd wake up at about 8am, Frankie would wake up pretty much at the same time. His initial breakfast consisted of a warm bottle of milk, while mine was Uruguayan Tea called Maté.

I'd give him a quick bath, put him in fresh clothes, and then we'd sit down in front of the TV to watch his cartoons for about half an hour. I'd give him a mid-morning snack of fruit while he was watching TV, and I would usually give the apartment a quick once-over.

After TV time I would get him dressed (light clothes since this was summer) and we'd go for a qalk. Sometimes he would ride in his stroller, other times he would walk with me. Almost always about halfway through the walk, he would fall asleep in the stroller and we'd head back home. I'd lay him down in his bed and then I'd go about preparing his lunch and my lunch.

Then came fun time. When he would wake up we'd start playing. I would absolutely drop everything just to play with him. We'd play mock soccer, we'd play monster chases Frankie, Frankie visits the zoo (with me being the zoo), Slip and Slide (on the recently sweeped clean floor), then we'd sit down and draw with crayons, or read a comic book (I gave him my whole collection, and he learned farly quickly that it was bad to rip them up), and of course Superheroes unite (He would dress-up in a Spider-Man uniform and I would wear a red towel saying I was Superman).

By this time he was all tuckered out and hungry, so we'd have lunch.

We'd finish our lunch, both of us still wearing our costumes, and then inevitably he would start yawning.

At this point I'd take him to my bed for his nap I'd lie down with him and I'd start singing to him (a song my dad used to sing to me when I was a kid, which still puts me to sleep) eventually he'd fall asleep. I'd just stare at him sleeping there in his Spider-Man uniform. He was so beautiful.

I couldn't believe how lucky I was to be the father of such a beautiful boy. I would just keep caressing his face while he lay there, making sure he was comfortable.

I can honestly remember no better feeling than that one, the feeling of my wonderful boy sleeping next to me in his Spider-Man uniform, sometimes snoring, with his beautiful hair falling over his eyes.

I hope to be able to repeat this experience when I get home.

3 years is a long time

It was my son's birthday yesterday.

He's 3 years old.

I can't believe I've been a father for 3 years. It's kind of overwhelming. The sheer responsibilities that come with being a parent.

Let me be honest to all out there. While my .... the mother of my child was pregnant with Francisco I was a moron.

To be honest, I was scared shitless of being a father. We had lost 2 babies previously due to miscarriages so the chances of us having a child were slim. But apparently my little swimmers are stronger than the docs thought, so F (my ex, whatever) got pregnant.

But I got scared. When the actual reality of being a father presented itself I freaked out. I would spend as much time away from home as possible, at work, at University, out with friends, anything to not face the reality of F's growing womb.

So for about 4 months I was a complete ass. Then we went to have the first Ultrasound sonogram, and I saw my son.

Oh God, never have I seen anything so beautiful, ever.

Obviously being an Ultrasound you could see outlines instead of features, but he was beautiful. That was actually the first moment we found out it was a boy. Up until then we were sure that we were going to have a girl. We hadn't even picked out any boy names.

We ended up naming him Francisco Nicolas. Francisco after my paternal grandfather and Nicolas is just a beautiful name we love.

After that I was in love with my son. Maybe I loved him more than I loved her.

I spent every waking moment trying to make up for my idiocies of the past. I don't know if I succeeded, but I did my best.

Then came the day of September 26, 2002. We weren't expecting him for almost another 2 weeks, but F had been under a lot of stress since my great-aunt had passed away 10 days before. The worst part was that my dad and I found my great-aunt. I still can't face that memory, and it's something we'll have to carry for the rest of our lives.

The morning of the 26th I went to work as usual, and as usual, I called F every 2 hours to see how she and the baby were doing. That morning on my second call, she told me that she was "leaking".

This scared me because one of the previous miscarriages had been preceded by a loss of amniotic fluid in the morning. I told her to get her ass to the doctor's office ASAP. To grab a cab and get down there.

I went and told my bosses that I had to leave that my wife was having problem's with the baby. My bosses allowed me to leave and actually gave me a gift of U$S 500 for the baby (in Uruguay this is a huge amount of money).

I raced down to the doctor's office and found F there. She was being admitted to the labour ward!

WTF??????? I went and talked to the head nurse and she explained that the fluid loss was quite normal when a woman's water breaks. I almost laughed out loud!

My wife was going to have the baby!

So I went in to see her, this was about 11 am. She gave me instructions on what to get from home.

I raced out, grabbed a cab and got home in maybe 30 mins. From there I called every freaking person I knew!

I was going to be a dad!

I got back to the hospital at about 2pm and found at least 20 people there waiting for me. Even my best friend in Uruguay had shown up.

It was a long wait. Filled with anticipation and fear. There was pain, a whole hell of a lot of it, and she went through alot of it too. It was a great night.

Then, at 10:20 pm, Uruguayan time, my son was born. The umbilical cord was cut by me and then I held my beautiful baby boy. I was in love with him, he was so gorgeous. He had steely blue eyes and a full head of hair and a tiny pimple on his right cheek. He looked at me and I held him. He had this creamy white gunk on him, but he was gorgeous.

I gave him to the nurse and I went to tell everyone. When I saw Enzo, my friend, I literally ran into his arms crying.

I was joyous. And I let everyone know that Francisco Nicolas Gonzalez had been born.

And now 3 years later.

I talked to him last night and sang Happy Birthday to him in English and Spanish. Then he asked me "Papa venis a casa pronto?" "Papa, are you coming home soon?"

I almost cried right there.

I said "Yes, Frankie, I'm coming home very soon, and we're never going to be apart again".

I'm going home. And my son's waiting for me. Anything else is superfluous.

I love my son and he loves me. God, is there anything more wonderful?

It's all ending...

I was called into a meeting with my boss a couple of days ago.

Apparently the company is losing it's major account and by mid-October we're all going to be out of a job.

To be honest, this wasn't a surprise to most of us here. In the last two months there have been at least 4 people who have resigned to move on to better things. The client obviously saw this and decided to pack up. They're moving to Texas.

So this comes as a bit of providence since I was already planning on leaving around that time to go back to Uruguay.

So here we are, all preparing our C.V.'s

I'm not too worried about myself, since I know what I'm going to be doing, but my colleagues' futures are of concern to me. They're all starting the job-hunt already, and with no immediate prospects, the situation is dismal.

So now I'm worried about them as well as myself.

Not to mention the added pressure of the economic situation ahead of me (I think I remember saying that Money is a pain in the ass).

Let's see if we can add some more on to my plate: Today's my dad's birthday, Monday is Frankie's birthday (God, do I miss him), Tuesday is my Grandfather's birthday. So I'm going to miss all of those. My sister is soon to have her baby, and I want to buy her the Crib (have to figure out not only how I'm going to pay for that, but also how the hell I'm going to send it down there). Have to pay for my phone bill here (I have almost $450 to pay).

Not to mention the fact that I do want to buy some stuff for Frankie before I go.

So, I've got a lot to figure out and pay for.

Oh, and I have to get a hair cut and my leg hurts pretty bad.

:( hmmmmmmph

Let's help the breasts of the world

Even though I try to make the titles of my posts insightful or even humourous, today's post is not a humourous subject.

I thank my good friend Cowgirl for this info.

Breast cancer is a very delicate matter, according to the NBCF (National Breast Cancer Foundation) approximately 12.6% of women in the US will develop breast cancer in their lifetimes.

The good thing is that it can be detected early by regular mammary testing. Women can give themselves basic breast checks and they can also have medical checks called Mammograms. A mammogram is a safe, low-dose x-ray picture of the breast. Mammograms are quick and easy. You simply stand in front of an x-ray machine. The person who takes the x-ray places your breast between two plastic plates. The plates press your breast and make it flat. This may be uncomfortable for a few seconds, but it helps to get a clear picure.

Unfortunately not everyone is financially capable of getting mammograms done, therefore The Breast Cancer Site has a button on it where you can click daily so that one free mammogram a day will be given out. This is thanks to their sponsors.

I urge you all to go to this site and click on the button. There is no charge to you whatsoever, and you will be helping someone.

Shouldn't we all try to help?

The race is on

I've initiated my preparations today to go back to Uruguay.

Ticket: Check

Money: In progress

Clothes: Check and in progress (gonna buy some new clothes)

Toys and stuff for Frankie: In progress

Laptop: In progress

Passport: Check

Uruguayan ID: Check

Weight: In progress (wanna lose more before I go back)

Date: Check (I will reveal this date later on on this blog, and to one specific person whenever she wants)

Place to live when I get there: Check (Gonna live with Mom and Dad for a bit, even though our relationship is strained, to say the least)

Job in Uruguay: In progress (I already have at least 3 interviews lined up for when I get there in several international Call Centers)

So, I only have one thing left to talk about with a special someone. I'm going to ask her a question and hopefully she'll agree (No, it's not what you people are thinking).

We'll see.

I get a bedroom again..

My grampa's going back to Uruguay tonight.

I'm gonna miss him, but I'm gonna see him once I go back. Might even have to live with him for a bit.

My uncle's probably gonna miss him more. He sees his parents for a couple of months maybe once a year.

These past couple of weeks I actually considered leaving with him today. But I can't leave yet. Money still rules all.

At least I get a bedroom again :)

My days of sleeping on an inflatable matress on the floor are over!

Truly Stuck Between Worlds

I've been sitting here for the past 5 minutes trying to figure out how to start this post.

I know I haven't posted in a few days. There is good reason. You may remember the phonecall I had with my "ex"-wife a little bit ago. Well. I had already decided to go back to Uruguay. I miss my son too much, and he needs me.

But.

Yes, there's always a "but".

I received a phone call Sunday night that changed my whole viewpoint on how things may or may not be when I get back to Uruguay. I have kept this conversation to myself for many reasons, the least of which is that I didn't want to burden anyone with the sheer sense of hurt and betrayal (I really hate that feeling, it's almost as bad as having a nice hot shower, and someone flushing the toilet, and you end up finding out how a lobster feels in a pot).

My ex called me. She wanted me to talk with Frankie, which of course I do whole-heartedly, so she calls him over. And he yells back "No, estoy mirando tele con papa-Esteban".

Translated this means "No, I'm watching TV with daddy-Esteban". WTF!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Esteban is my ex's boyfriend (he was her ex-boyfriend and now they're back).

FIRSTLY: WTF is MY son doing calling this Fuckwad dipshit limp-dicked ass-muncher Daddy???????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SECONDLY: I had specifically asked her not to have that guy around my son. EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!

THIRDLY: WTF?!?!?!?!!! Wasn't this damned woman all lovey-dovey over me again??????? Didn't she want me to go back for her?!!!!!!!?!???!???? (I was going to tell her to shove it either way for two reasons 1. Great advice from my best friend, 2. Wanted to see her writhing in despair)

I was just so distraught when I heard Frankie say that. For the first time in my pathetic, miserable life I actually contemplated taking my own life. Still haven't decided if I should or shouldn't.

But now, I'm more afraid of something else. I want to go back and be with my son, I don't know if he wants to be with me, but that's something I'll have to deal with one way or another when I get there. The thing I'm afraid of is my anger. I've actually thought about what might happen if I ever meet this guy. This guy who because of a pathetic fucking phone call broke up my family. I've thought that I might want to hurt him. And I've thought that I might not stop until there's nothing left to hurt.

That scares me.

Alot.

This shit is kiwis, k-i-w-i-s

I got into a verbal fight with a co-worker yesterday.

As many of you may already know I work in Technical Support for a telephone manufacturer. At times there exists the need to replace a unit In Warranty. There is a certain procedure that we must follow so that the customer can send his/her unit in for repair or replacement. This procedure includes the Customer sending us his/her Proof of Purchase for confirmation.

I have the lucky job of confirming these PoP's. Definitely not a fun job.

I received a PoP yesterday, and while I was confirming it I noticed that the information in the case was completely inadequate, therefore I couldn't approve the PoP. I then spoke with the agent who had taken care of the case originally and told her this. She became extremely agitated and started yelling. No way in hell was I going to let an upstart, childish girl yell at me, so I got pissed and stepped on her.

Not really, but boy did I want to.

I pretty much said this to Vampirella (nickname I gave her for trying to suck the life out of us) "This is constant with you Vampirella, there is always something wrong with all of your support cases. You give the customer's wrong information and we have to pay the price. Well, no more, you're incompetent and stubborn, it's about damned time that you learned how to do this damned job."

That shut her up. She fixed the situation, and barely gave me a glance for the rest of the day.

At about 4:00 pm, I was checking my MSN contacts and I saw that her contact info had changed to this: "Lates....to all those people who piss me off. I finished high school and I don't have a low IQ so don talk to me like I em a kid. Watch the way you be takken to me"

I'm not kidding this is exactly how she wrote it. I made no comment on it, just kind of laughed at it.

Finally later on in the day when I got home and I tried to rest, but it was damned near impossible because I was still riled up over my "fight".

So I ended up watching movies on the computer until 2 am. BAD IDEA!

I finally went to sleep, but when I woke up I was dead tired. Still am! I can barely keep my eyes open.

I think I'm going to try to get some sleep today, instead of just resting my eyes.

Justification and Explanation

This post will mean nothing to most of you out there, but to be honest, it's meant for one person specifically.

There are times when we screw up.

In my case it's often.

Why do we do this? I have no idea, but there are times when our actions and words are not governed by any rational thought process, but by a foolish desire for others to feel as badly as you do.

In my case I did this yesterday. I let my words hurt someone I care for. To be honest, hurting them was not my intent, but I knowingly said these stupid and foolish things.

Yes, I do admit that I have felt pain over things that have happened between she and I, but that was no reason to say the things I did. She at all times has been kind and civil to me, moreso than I ever deserved.

And now she's upset, and she's totally justified in being upset, angry, pissed off, and wanting to rip my head off constantly.

Add to this that I am definitely not feeling well, emotionally or physically, so when she tried to explain how she was feeling, I didn't understand a fucking thing.

All I can say now is I'm sorry. I've said it thousands of times before, and I'll probably say it thousands of times again.

I have been useless as a friend to understand your pain and hurt.

You have no need to justify or explain anything to me, ever. I don't deserve your explanations.

Only know this: You are the most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes upon. You are the sheer epitomy of kindness melded with pure beauty so as to create an amazingly wonderful woman.

You once sent me a song Beautiful Soul. As I write this I'm listening to that song, and I must tell you may be as beautiful as you are, so much so that when I saw you I was stunned, but it is definitely the beauty of your soul that makes you shine.

Believe me or don't believe me. That is your prerogative as an individual. Only know that I think this.

I feel the words

So there I am sitting at my computer.

Listening to music, had just finished talking to Cowgirl, and she had to leave abruptly. And the moment she logs off I hear "Untitled" by A Simple Plan

I listened to this song and seriously for a few moments it felt as though it were written for me right at this moment. It just summed everything up.

So here for your reading pleasure are the lyrics.


"Untitled"

I open my eyes
I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light
I can’t remember how
I can’t remember why
I’m lying here tonight
And I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No I can’t stand the pain

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream

How could this happen to me
Everybody’s screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can’t explain what happened
And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done
No I can’t

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream

How could this happen to me

Watching my toenails grow

I am completely and utterly bored.

There is absolutely nothing to do and noone to do it with. (I realize that that sounds incredibly kinky)

It's a gorgeous day, barely a slight breeze making the tree leaves flutter and nothing to do.

I could go out, but noone to go out with. I could go to a movie, but there's nothing more depressing than going to see a movie all by your lonesome.

Noone to call, noone to talk to, hell noone to chat with either. This is soooooooo depressing and annoying.

Nothing more to do than watch my toenails grow.

A moment of indecision...

I'm ready.

As promised here is what happened when I spoke with my ex, last night.

She had asked me to call her so that we could talk about something, and of course as you all know I was terrified.

I've been calling her home daily so that I could talk to Frankie, and during these calls, she and I barely exchanged 3 or 4 words, except for last week when she wanted to talk about my son's birthday party (he's turning 3 on September 26).

During all of this time I didn't notice that anything was different with her. Goes to show you how intuitive I am.

Then a couple of nights ago she said "Can you call me on Friday night so that we can talk, just the two of us?"

Obviously I said yes, since I didn't really notice anything. I just kind of figured that it would have to do with Frankie's birthday.

So I called her. For the first 5 or 10 minutes we talked about useless, unimportant things, like how it was going for me here in Canada, my work, her work. I started getting nervous, so I flat-out asked her "What did you need to talk to me about?"

The 2 minutes that followed before she answered were probably the most nerve-wracking minutes I've gone through since I arrived in Canada. Finally she says to me "I want you to come back to us. Come back to Frankie, come back to me."

WTF?????????

Obviously this whole conversation is going on in Spanish.

I couldn't even move my mouth. Then she says "Mi amor, estas ahi?" This means "My love, are you there?"

I was so utterly confused. So utterly distraught that I broke down and started crying.

Those of you who read this blog on a regular basis will probably know a bit of the history here. This is the woman who said she stopped loving me almost a year ago, and who actually stopped loving me almost two years ago. This is the woman who returned to her abusive ex-boyfriend, because of one stupid cell phone call, where according to her "I heard his voice and he rocked my world" (I'm not kidding, those were her actual words, translated of course). This is the woman who no more than two months ago threatened to take my son away permanently, because I had gone to a friend's cottage in Wasaga Beach for a weekend.

She wants me to go back. By November. If it were only for Frankie, I wouldn't even hesitate.

But she wants me to go back for her too.

I tried explaining to her that I couldn't be with her anymore. There was just too much pain. She asked me if there was anyone else. 1 month ago, I would have answered in the affirmative, but I told her "No, there's noone else, and it has nothing to do with that anyways."

I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Do I still love her? Of course I do, noone can turn love on and off like a water faucet, and if they can, it wasn't true love to begin with.

What about my falling in love with someone else while I've been here? Yes, I do still love that person. How can this be? We all love different people differently. I'm not talking about caring, and loving, I'm talking about being in love.

How do I reconcile this? Emotionally I can't. I know that there is no possibility of a romantic relationship with the person here in Canada, and how am I supposed to go back to a woman who purported to love me at one time, and then because of a phone call decided that she didn't?

How am I supposed to fight for a love, which I don't know that I still want? When I had already fought my hardest to keep that love, and it failed?

I wrote not long ago that I was done with love. Obviously this was a hurt, rational decision. And rational decisions cannot dictate what the heart and mind feel. But do I continue to consciously choose not to love. Should I isolate myself emotionally from women, because I feel pain everytime that I am with them?

Do I go back? Go back to her?

For my son, I would go back, and I am seriously considering going back solely for him. He does need me.

But, do I go back for her?

I don't know.

I should have named my blog "I DON'T KNOW" instead of "STUCK BETWEEN WORLDS" maybe that would have been more appropriate.

Or maybe my current title really is the most appropriate, since it does show how I'm feeling right now.

This blog is my only outlet now. I don't have anyone to talk to about my issues and problems. Family? Forget about it. My family does not talk about their problems, we bottle them away and let them fester. Friends? I don't have many friends to speak of, only one really, she's my best friend, but I won't allow myself to burden her with my problems (even though I know she'll read about this here). I have to figure this out alone.

Alone.

Is there any scarier word in the English language?

I'm afraid to find out.

The Aristocrats

************Warning: Read at your own risk!*****************************
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Well, I heard about this movie that Penn & Teller made, The Aristocrats. Apparently it's about a joke that's been told backstage of comedy acts since Vaudeville times. This is not a joke for the faint of heart, to be honest, it's not even for the strong of heart either. I've read that it was told at Hugh Hefner's Birthday party, and has been told even by one of the Smother's Brothers, but never in public, until this movie.

The joke goes something like this, and no way am I gonna write the whole thing, mostly because it's not the details of the joke that make it funny, but the personal delivery of each comedian that tells it.

A man walks into a talent agency and goes directly to speak with the talent agent in charge. He says : "I have the most amazing family act for you, you'll absolutely love it!" The talent agent looks at him and says: "I don't know, family acts are always cutesy, and sometimes boring"

The man: "Seriously you'll love it"

Talent Agent: "Ok, what's it about?"

At this point the man starts describing disgusting, revolting, degrading acts of incest, scat play, golden showers. Vile acts between each of the family members (who vary from telling to telling).

At the end of the telling, the Talent Agent is standing there with his mouth wide open, and finally says: "Oh my God! What do you call the act??"

The man looks at him and answers: "The Aristocrats"


I'm definitely gonna go see the movie, but for those of you who want a preview, there is a hilarious version done by Cartman from South Park here.

Holy Shit!

Apparently, over the phone, I'm doable!

I'm a sex god!

Or maybe not.

I was on the phone today with a customer asking for assistance with her phone, and since it's Friday I decided to take it easy and enjoy the conversation. Oh boy, what a mistake.

Apparently the nice lady on the other end of the conversation thought I was really charming, and she decided to hit on me!

HOLY SHIT!

I decided to just let myself go, and have fun. There was nothing else to do.

After about 15 mins of conversation she decided to jump the gun and she said "I'm coming up to Canada and I'm going to do you!"

Guess I've got skills!

I think I must be irradiated!

I have no fucking idea why, but I woke up in pain!

All over my body there were shots of pain going through. What the hell did I do to make my butt cheeks, my arms, my neck and my eyebrows hurt???????

I really don't get it.

In other news, I spent about an hour on the phone last night with Frankie. When we were finished talking he said "Bye Papa" and I said "Bye Frankie". Then I told him to hang up, and he said "No papa, you hang up first". I decided to play along with him and told him the exact same thing. We ended up doing that for almost 20 minutes. LOL!

I enjoyed talking to him alot, but I miss him alot too.

More news: My "ex"-wife wants to talk to me tonight. I have no idea about what, but she said that it's very important.

I think I'm scared.

I'm done with it all

I'm done with love.

I know that's a little extreme, but yup, I'm done with love.

I give up.

I've decided that it'll be better to not love anymore. It'll hurt less.

I was once told that love not reciprocated cannot be true. In my case, I guess I'll just have to wait, and keep searching.

Friendship is good, though.

I should have listened to BG long ago. BG if you're out there, you were right. I'd love to talk to you tonight, 'cause I know you'd understand.

Does anyone have King Kong's phone number???

I was hurt today.

I don't think the person meant to hurt me, at least I hope she didn't, but nonetheless, she did.

It made me feel really sick to my stomach. I don't mean that it disgusted me.

I just felt kind of confused. Like that's different from any other day, eh?

I tried explaining some of what was happening to me, but I couldn't find the words, and she took my hesitation in the wrong way. I think she was a little annoyed (or maybe alot) at that.

I don't know how to move forward now.

Impoverished Despair

I bought a small white wristband today.

I also put a banner on my blog.

I've seen these banners and these small wristbands before, and I truly think that it's a very powerful and good cause. Make Poverty History.

I originally saw the banner on Adria's blog, and later saw the wristband on a friend's wrist a couple of weeks ago. I decided to look into it, and I truly think that there may be no better cause at this moment in time.

I have never suffered from poverty. I have never suffered want or despair. I truly don't think that many of us understand what it is to truly suffer from poverty. Of course we see the statistics, we see the images, and for those of us courageous enough, we see the first hand effects. But to truly feel the despair and desolation of poverty? To truly not know where your next meal is coming from?

Forget about all our petty worries, forget the stupid cell phone bill, or the internet bill. Forget about not being able to get that paintjob for your car, or that new designer pair of jeans. Forget about that hair care product, or those seriously cool sunglasses you want to buy. Forget about those shoes, or that DVD player, or that computer. It's all meaningless.

What isn't meaningless is trying to make the world a better place. Trying to help those people who literally cannot help themselves. We must rise above the inane meanderings of our lives, and assist.

I once read a book that proposed the idea that the purpose of life was "To Strive for the Infinite". This is a very ubiquitous statement which means that we must do everything we can to reach perfection, but that even though our journey may very well end in failure, we must continue to strive. What better way to strive for that infinite, than to try to end despair. To try to end suffering.

Join me in this simple yet powerful campaign to try and make the world a better place. Yes, I know this sounds corny, but as I've previously stated, the corny and cheesy lines are the ones that hold the most truth and are the most powerful. Buy a wristband, or put a banner on your website or blog, or write a letter, or write an email. Anything, so long as we help.

Help.

That's what we must do.

The pen having writ moves on...

I've been sitting here surfing through blogs.

For maybe 2 hours, just surfing and surfing. I keep on surfing, I'm gonna start thinking I should go pro.

But I digress.

As I was saying, I've been surfing for all this time through all these blogs, and I keep returning to the same 7 or 8 blogs. Especially one.

Not that the other blogs I've seen aren't amazingly interesting, they are. It's just that returning to all these familiar blogs is like dropping in on an old friend just to say hi. This friend is never annoyed at the unexpected visit. Quite the contrary, this friend hopes that you will return, and often. And I do.

I'm stuck on these 7 or 8 blogs, because they're comfortable. I like feeling comfortable. But I don't like being stagnant. Stagnance leads to putrefication and that's not a good thing.

I don't want to get stuck in a rut of doing the same things everyday, but what else is one to do?

I just re-read everything I've just written, and for some reason it seems like I'm writing about something else entirely. Is this that damnable evasive subtext rearing its head again?????

Believe me, all I'm doing is trying to flesh my thoughts out. I'm just sitting here and listening to music. Wondering how I can move my life forward in the way I want to.

Do I take a step towards the ledge? Do I have the balls to jump off, not knowing if there's a safety net, not even really caring?

I'd like to ask something of my faithful readers. Comment on this post. Not with how amazingly well written it is ;-) or with how my bitter diatribes keep your attention, but with your own personal experiences. How have you, my faithful reader, moved forward? In what way have you decided to "read more than just the same blogs"?

What was your leap of faith?

Do we have ESP??

I keep wondering, is there any truth to psychic abilities?

Can some people really see the future before it unfolds? Are some people truly empathic? Telepathic even?

Obviously this all sounds very cool, but at the same time it's a bit frightening. Consider this: If people can really see the future, does this mean that our future is pre-planned? Do we have no say in what we're going to do? Are we led to a final destination by some unknown hand?

If people are truly empathic or telepathic, are our emotions and thoughts no longer our own? Do they feel and sense the emotions and thoughts that are not fully formed or only the ones we consciously feel and think? For example, I got seriously pissed off at my uncle the other day, and for one instant there was an image of me punching him and then throttling him. Maybe 2 seconds later that image was gone. But do these empathic and telepathic people (if they exist) feel even these miscarriages of thought and emotion? I would never hurt my uncle or any other member of my family, but we've all thought at one moment or another "I'm gonna kill him/her"

Are these the thoughts that are being broadcast, as well as the nice thoughts we probably seldom have?

Then the question becomes "Do we all have these powers to some extent?"

If we make an analogy regarding physical abilities, we can analyze this. Not everyone can participate in the 100 M dash at the Olympics, or be a Hockey Star, or an amazing Soccer Player like Pelé. If we delve into mental abilities, not everyone can play Chess like Kasparov, or analyze String theory like Dr. Brian Greene. But aren't we all capable of small examples of these? I may not be able to analyze String theory like Dr. Greene, but I can do arithmetic. I can't play Soccer like Pelé could but I can kick the ball around with my Dad or my Son. Is this analogy apt? And if it is, does this mean that although not all of us have strong extra-sensory powers, all of us may be capable of using them at a bare minimum of level?

And so we arrive at Intuition. Might intuition be a low level version of seeing the future, empathy and/or telepathy? Might we all at one point or another be receiving images, feelings or thoughts from those closest to us emotionally? I say "emotionally" because if ESP works at all, it doesn't seem to be location or distance oriented.

Or is intuition just simply our subconscious mind analyzing reactions, our surroundings, sounds, smells, vocal modulations, past actions and then a logical conclusion arises based on these stimuli?

I don't know.

And what of moments when intuition starts poking its head around when there is no immediate physical interaction? Can it be true intuition? Is this evidence that intuition is truly a function of extra-sensory perception? Or does the argument fall to pieces?

What are we supposed to do? Do we follow what our intuition tells us? Do we base it all on faith?

I know these are a lot of questions. But sometimes questions are all we have.

It all kind of scares me.

The pain is overwhelming

It hurts.

I cut my finger last night. Badly.

I was slicing bread for dinner last night, and next thing I know the bread is wet and red.

I just didn't understand what was happening, until I looked beside the sliced bread and saw a small piece of my index finger on the cutting board.

That's when it started to hurt.

I wasn't even paying attention. I guess I was kind of blue.

Luckily Crazy Glue works for finger parts. (I read somewhere that medics and nurses in World War I and II would use instant adhesive to close wounds temporarily, and I thought Why Not?)

Still hurts today.

It goes without saying that we didn't eat the bread.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY COWGIRL!!!

It's today!



Well, a very special and important person is celebrating her 30th birthday today!

I'd like to wish her the very best on such a momentous occasion, as is her 30th birthday. Those of us who know her were all very blessed on the day she was born!

Please join me in wishing her the best of days.

Love you, hun!

I'm flabbergasted at how good he looks!

I used to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer. A lot.

I guess you could say I was obsessed, but a good kind of obsessed.

To be completely honest, I really liked the character interactions. Sure, Sarah Michelle Gellar was seriously hot while kicking vampire ass, but it was good interactions.

I really liked the relationship between the Buffy and Angel characters, and later on the Buffy and Spike characters. I thought they clicked.

But today I was reading an article about James Marsters (Spike on Buffy) being cast as Brainiac on Smallville. So I decided to do an internet search of James Marsters, and holy crap!!! I found out he's 43 years of age!!!

Damn!

This guy looks amazing for his age!! He just turned 43 on Saturday (Happy Birthday James).



I hope I look that good when I'm his age. Hell, I wish I looked that good now.

What does it take to learn to fly?

I'd really like to know...what does it take to be really happy?

I don't think happiness is inevitable. I truly think that we have to work to achieve it, looking for the things that make us happy during the days that we tread on this earth. I know of some things that make me happy and others that don't.

I've been really missing someone lately. In the past few days our communication has been sporadic at best, due to electronic problems. And because of this I've been sad and blue. I've been thinking about her constantly. I think about our conversations and the day we saw each other again. And those memories make me happy, but this lack of contact doesn't.

I talk with Frankie almost every day now, and whenever I talk to him he calls me Superman and Elephant (mostly because I do voices for him and he loves it). He laughs like crazy everytime we talk and he makes me smile, and for a time I'm happy.

Work holds no joy for me. I guess I'm just going through the motions, although I still give 100% if not more. It's just not in me to not try and do a great job. But even so, I have no purpose there.

Am I looking for reason, purpose, understanding? Am I trying to find meaning in words and emotions? I guess I am, but mostly I think I'm trying to do what everyone is trying to do, be happy.

I know we're all trying to find pretty much the same things as we ramble on through our lives. Moments of joy that will eventually accumulate into a general glow of happiness once we reach those final moments. But as we go through each of the moments of non-joy do we truly understand what will bring us happiness? Do we strive for that happiness with every fibre of our being? Or do we just float through life as if we were a piece of driftwood on the ocean, waiting to arrive at that sandy shore? Do we even know what will make us happy as we move through our lives? I know what makes me happy, I truly do. And this is a contradiction in and of itself.

Whenever I think about all of this my thoughts inevitably turn towards my special someone. I keep returning to the matter of this special woman because she has become such an important part of my life in so short of time. This astonishes me, but at the same time I love it. Not only am I in love with her, but she's my best friend. And I've noticed these past few days how much I miss her laughter, her voice, her smile, her eyes, her witty comments. I miss being able to constantly tell her how beautiful she is, even though I know she'll deny it always.

And I sit here staring at the computer screen thinking that maybe understanding will come. Maybe a shred of enlightenment. But no. I sit here and no answers come forth, only perpetual static. So I sit here wondering and hoping.

Wondering and hoping. What better definition of life is there?

Boring weekend

I honestly did nothing at all this weekend.

I worked on Saturday night, and did nothing at work.

Sunday I did nothing of import. Honestly, the only thing I did on Sunday was watch "The Cat in the Hat".

All I really did all weekend was stare at the fucking computer screen. Damn thing mocks me. It laughs at me.

Chewing on my pen cap

I'm kinda nervous.

I don't think I made as nice an impression as I thought.

I'm a little confused I guess. Actually no, I'm really confused.

Maybe she didn't feel the spark.

Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions. I should wait and see.

I WANT MY PILLOW!!

Ugh.

I slept in this morning. Not much, just half an hour, but it screwed up my whole morning.

Woke up at 6:30 instead of my usual 6 am. So everything was delayed by half an hour. Raced to shower and get dressed then saw that the time was 7:15, so I just asked my grandfather to give me a ride.

I'm still tired.

On top of the Empire State Building on Valentine's...

I met the woman of my dreams.

Literally.

I was nervous as hell this morning when I woke up at 4:30 am.

Yup, 4:30 am.

I had a long trip ahead of me, for a meeting that would be brief, but I didn't care. Even 5 minutes with her would have been a joyous eternity.

With all the bus trips and train trips the trip to her hometown took 4 hours. But once I was well underway, my nerves started to calm down.

Once I arrived in her hometown, I decided that the first thing I should do was figure out where the hell I was in relation to her, location-wise. I bought a map. I know, I know, very touristy thing to do, but heck I was a tourist! Once I had the map I found out that I was pretty damned far-away from her, so I started walking. It's a good thing I got there early!

After about an hour of walking I finally caught a cab (I hadn't up until this point because I was looking for a convenience store that carried the specific brand of gum she asked me to buy her). I also bought her a single rose. It's her favourite flower, and I really wanted to buy it for her.

I gave the cabbie the address, and off we went.

Lucky me, I gave him the wrong address. But as luck would have it, I was only off by half a block, and I saw the correct place to go.

So once I got there I sat and waited.

I was starting to get nervous again, mostly because I started doubting that I was in the right place. So every 5 minutes I'd get up, check the address and then sit back down again. Add to this that when I first sat down I fell on my ass and almost had the whole bench fall on me, and you can imagine how uptight I was. Either way, I wanted to be sitting there when she came out, but just my goddamned fucking luck, the minute that she came out, I was checking the address, so she almost left and didn't see me!

But I ran back and knocked on the window of her door. I think she was surprised to see me.

The hug I gave her felt soooooooooo good. And she's sooooooo beautiful I could barely breathe.

She asked me to get into her car and we went off to have a quick lunch.

We were kind of indecisive, mostly because we were both nervous. And I just couldn't keep my eyes off of her. She's so incredibly beautiful.

We went to Subway and ordered a couple of wraps, and then went back to the car. I just sat there and looked at her, wasn't even thinking of eating.

Her nerves started really showing through when she started rifling through her wallet, trying to avoid looking at me.

I couldn't help it, I kissed her, and I was hers. There was no more fighting it (at least not for me), no more doubts, no more fears.

She tastes like sweet canteloupe. What an amazing woman!

We talked for a bit, I kissed her again. We talked some more, I held her hand. We talked a little more, and then I kissed her again. She had to go back to work.

We drove back to work, and I hugged her goodbye. I wanted to spend more time with her, but we all have responsibilities. (I shirked mine today by taking the day off, but it was my first day off since I started working, so I think I deserved it)

And then I made my way back to the bus station and came back home. The trip home was uneventful.

But I couldn't stop smiling, I still can't.

Multi-coloured winged insects covered in stomach acids.....

Well, as promised I have returned.

It was shaping up to be a bleak weekend when I woke up on Saturday morning. I had to work 10 am to 10 pm (a nice change from my 10 pm Saturday to 10 am Sunday shift). And I knew I would be bored out of my mind.

I woke up too damned early that morning, at about 6:30 am. Do I know why? Not a fucking clue! So there I am bored out of my skull and it's only 7 am.

The day was not starting out well.

My grandfather drove me in to work (Definitely one benifit in living with him) and I settled in for my nice long shift. I had taken movies to watch, books to read, and was planning on doing a lot of blog-surfing.

I decided to go into the Flirt website, and see what people were talking about in there.It actually turned out to be an amusing conversation with multiple people. Sort of like an orgy of words.

Finally, the day started brightening up. My special friend came online. She was at work, and as bored as I was, but lucky her she had work to keep her busy. All I could do was stare at the phone for an inordinately obscene amount of time and wait for it to ring.

We exchanged brief words throughout the day. Mostly witty banter, making each other laugh as usual.

At the same time I was carrying on 2 conversations in Flirt, and 2 other MSN conversations. On MSN, 1 with Gabe's girlfriend (it's kind of odd to chat with her, especially considering what happened, but she has a quick wit and is a pleasure to chat with) and another with this very interesting Argentine woman. Both pleasureable conversations, but the person I really wanted to talk to was my special friend.

The day went by slowly, but surely. I did absolutely nothing all day except chat and surf. To be honest there was work to be done, but I forgot about doing it. After a while, our online chat ended as she was finished work and had to go home.

In the early evening, my friend came back online, and somehow I gathered the nerve to ask her to call me. We ended up talking for about 40 minutes. I so enjoy talking to her. It's comfortable, and reassuring.

I felt that it had been a good work day.

Now we arrive at Sunday. A day which I never thought would come. Not that Sunday doesn't come every week, because as far as I know it does, unless everyone's playing a really bad joke on me and the week is only 6 days long, and haven't told me about it. That's just cruel. Please stop?

We now return you to our regularly scheduled program.

Well Sunday. What can I say? You all know the story. Boy meets girl, boy likes girl, boy chats with girl, boy chats with girl some more, and more and more. That's about how it was, and I was sure it would always be like that. But at one point my friend, came online not to chat but because she needed to vent.

She was having some problems, of which there is no need for me to get into here, and she needed to vent a bit. She wasn't looking for help, but I decided to offer my assistance. Obviously she rejected my assistance, at first. I was insistent. And finally she accepted.

I felt such joy that I will be able to help her. And I could tell that she was relieved.

The turning point came not long after.

She came back online, and we started chatting again. We were just kidding around, and at one point I made a joking comment about trying to pick up one of my neighbours (I really don't know any of my neighbours, but it was a funny thing to say).

And she said "You're not allowed to pick anyone up"

Obviously I asked her why, and she responded "because you're mine"

WTF??????????????

huh?

what?

She finally told me, after some prodding, and a little bit of kidding, that she came to a realization during our conversation. What realization you may ask?

She got butterflies. That's it. She got butterflies in her tummy, and she finally realized she's in love with me, and wants to be with me. Obviously her situation is a blockade to this, but I have faith.

She's in love with me, and I'm in love with her.

She's opened her heart to me.

And I'm going to see her on Wednesday.

I just love those butterflies.

A Dictionary and a Thesaurus just won't do!

I have no words.

There is no way to describe what's happened.

I'm flabbergasted, overjoyed, exalted, and none of those descriptions is enough.

What can I say to describe what I'm feeling?

I'm floating.

I'll write more, I promise. I just have to find my words again.

Looking into the sun hurts, but what a beautiful sight!

I'm in love, no doubt about it. I can't deny it to anyone anymore, not even myself.

Every single time I hear her voice it sounds like angels are singing. She has finally opened up a little to me without evasive subtext. Not much, but a little. I think she was inspired by a previous post ;)

How can one summarize a life of supposed happiness, and not truly know what it was to be happy. That one person could so easily make you happier than you ever have been without actually doing anything.

I'm in love with a beautiful woman, who has no inkling of how beautiful she is. I'm in love with a beautiful soul which hides itself from the world. I'm in love with beautiful eyes that make the brightest stars seem dull. I'm in love with the sweetest laughter, that sounds as if it were a choir singing the praises of God.

Might I be in love?

Hidden meanings??

I was reminded of the Mel Gibson movie What Women Want today.

If we all had the power to read women's minds, would we really know what they want? I've had so many situations in the past few months (normally with one woman) where what she says, what she thinks and what she actually means or wants are all different things!

It's extremely confuzzling.

I've been kidding the last couple of hours with a friend about this, calling it evasive subtext. I know, I know, not the most inventive of phrases, but I make do.

This evasive subtext pervades a lot of our conversations (at least I think it does, and there lie all my doubts), but how are men actually supposed to understand women's true desires when they're always so difficult to actually know. And I don't necessarily mean sexual desires, but those are included. I speak of emotions, hopes, dreams, little hopes too.

How can a man truly know if a song a woman sends him is meant to convey some deeper meaning, or it's just a cool song she heard? How can a man know if a certain giggle at a certain time, means that she truly considers him more than a friend, or she's amused at the idea?

How can a man truly know if a woman truly desires a man, if at the time he straight out asks her she evades the question and then sends him romantic songs, says confuzzling things to him and leaves him with more doubts?

To all you men out there, I say this: I don't know the answer. I truly thought that by asking directly, being straightforward and honest, one could get straight answers, apparently this is not so.

I invite all women out there to comment, give opinions and hopefully tell us, what do we have to do to get a straight answer out of you?

The fool that I am

I'm an idiot.

I'm an asshole.

I thought I was doing the right thing, and I was wrong.

I'm sorry.

Cleanliness?

So, I've been back at my uncle's place for almost a week.

OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It seems that my uncle and my grandfather have never heard of a mop, or a broom or a fucking vacuum cleaner!!!!!

Since my grandmother has left, these two men have to basically fend for themselves, and neither one of them likes to clean!

I thought this would change after a day or two, maybe they were tired. But no, the plates just kept on piling up, the floors were nasty, and the clothes in the hamper were screaming bloody torture.

Now many of you may be wondering, why I just didn't dive in and clean everything. Well, I do have to admit I was tired. I've been working constantly, and on the weekends I've been doing fairly long and tiring night shifts. So I was pretty much burnt out.

But, by yesterday, the house had gotten to a point where not even the rotting corpse of a defecated on sewer rat would live there, I got pissed off and had it out with my uncle and my grandfather.

I told them, "Look we're all living here so we're all gonna have to clean up. I'll do it this one time alone, because it's obvious you two won't, but this is gonna change and cleaning will be done." I cleaned the house up, took me until 1 am, but it got done.

I know we're all tired, but damn! It was nasty in there. I work, my uncle works, and my grandpa stays at home cooking and watching TV, so we're all going to pitch in.

I soooo hate pig stys. Maybe I was trained too well by the women in my life, or maybe I just like cleanliness. Either way, I'm not gonna be living in one.

An uneven scale and a conundrum

I've been torturing myself for the past few days.

A few days ago I decided that I would go see a friend of mine in person. I haven't told anyone of this decision, not even her (although I know she'll read this post). I'm trying to convince myself not to go, and it's a losing battle.

So in all fairness, I've decided that I will post the pros and cons of going to see her.

Pros

#1 I really, really want to

#2 She makes me happier than I have ever been

#3 She cares for me and wants to see me

#4 There is no doubt in my mind that I'm in love with her


Cons

#1 She lives 2 hours away by car

#2 She has commitments

#3 I don't have a car so I'd have to take a bus (I don't mind this, but I'm honour bound to put it down)

#4 ?????????????????


That's it. Now, to all you out there. What do I do?

Plentiful Lives???

Do any of us remember how we used to survive without computers?????

I know that some of us are old enough to remember a time when there wasn't a PC in every home, when internet access was a non-existent phrase.

How about TV's? How did we ever survive without TV's????????? I mean, I always had a TV in my home, when I was a kid growing up we had at least 2 or 3. But I was chatting with my papa on MSN and he actually mentioned how he didn't even watch a TV show until he was 17.

WTF???????????????????????

Ok, granted, my papa grew up on a farm in South America. They were actually one of the poor families, but just knowing that boggles the mind!

I get up every morning at 5:50 am, so I can have my morning shower, have a cold glass of juice for breakfast, and then I'm on the computer. I check my e-mail, chat with my papa, read news articles, read blogs, chat with friends, download music, and other things. All on the blessed computer.

I haven't looked at a newspaper in over a year, I barely watch TV anymore, I use the phone, but that's only to talk with my son and 1 specific friend (who I chat with as well), and I don't even think of buying CD's anymore.

There have been a couple of times since I returned to Canada that I have had to go without a computer, and at those times I've actually been reduced to twiddling my thumbs! ME!! Twiddling my thumbs!

I tried watching TV, tried reading books, hell, I even tried listening to the radio, but I got bored of those things minutes after I started!

And I'm not alone in this, I know of dozens, if not hundreds, of others who live their lives around the All-Mighty PC. I'm not talking about people who need them for work, but just people who surf, read, and have fun on computers.

Believe me, if computers were to suddenly disappear from the general populous, there would be mayhem. Riots in the streets. Public executions. Martial law would ensue. Insanity would be the rule of the world.

Or at least that's how I'd feel.

:)