A moment of indecision...

I'm ready.

As promised here is what happened when I spoke with my ex, last night.

She had asked me to call her so that we could talk about something, and of course as you all know I was terrified.

I've been calling her home daily so that I could talk to Frankie, and during these calls, she and I barely exchanged 3 or 4 words, except for last week when she wanted to talk about my son's birthday party (he's turning 3 on September 26).

During all of this time I didn't notice that anything was different with her. Goes to show you how intuitive I am.

Then a couple of nights ago she said "Can you call me on Friday night so that we can talk, just the two of us?"

Obviously I said yes, since I didn't really notice anything. I just kind of figured that it would have to do with Frankie's birthday.

So I called her. For the first 5 or 10 minutes we talked about useless, unimportant things, like how it was going for me here in Canada, my work, her work. I started getting nervous, so I flat-out asked her "What did you need to talk to me about?"

The 2 minutes that followed before she answered were probably the most nerve-wracking minutes I've gone through since I arrived in Canada. Finally she says to me "I want you to come back to us. Come back to Frankie, come back to me."

WTF?????????

Obviously this whole conversation is going on in Spanish.

I couldn't even move my mouth. Then she says "Mi amor, estas ahi?" This means "My love, are you there?"

I was so utterly confused. So utterly distraught that I broke down and started crying.

Those of you who read this blog on a regular basis will probably know a bit of the history here. This is the woman who said she stopped loving me almost a year ago, and who actually stopped loving me almost two years ago. This is the woman who returned to her abusive ex-boyfriend, because of one stupid cell phone call, where according to her "I heard his voice and he rocked my world" (I'm not kidding, those were her actual words, translated of course). This is the woman who no more than two months ago threatened to take my son away permanently, because I had gone to a friend's cottage in Wasaga Beach for a weekend.

She wants me to go back. By November. If it were only for Frankie, I wouldn't even hesitate.

But she wants me to go back for her too.

I tried explaining to her that I couldn't be with her anymore. There was just too much pain. She asked me if there was anyone else. 1 month ago, I would have answered in the affirmative, but I told her "No, there's noone else, and it has nothing to do with that anyways."

I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Do I still love her? Of course I do, noone can turn love on and off like a water faucet, and if they can, it wasn't true love to begin with.

What about my falling in love with someone else while I've been here? Yes, I do still love that person. How can this be? We all love different people differently. I'm not talking about caring, and loving, I'm talking about being in love.

How do I reconcile this? Emotionally I can't. I know that there is no possibility of a romantic relationship with the person here in Canada, and how am I supposed to go back to a woman who purported to love me at one time, and then because of a phone call decided that she didn't?

How am I supposed to fight for a love, which I don't know that I still want? When I had already fought my hardest to keep that love, and it failed?

I wrote not long ago that I was done with love. Obviously this was a hurt, rational decision. And rational decisions cannot dictate what the heart and mind feel. But do I continue to consciously choose not to love. Should I isolate myself emotionally from women, because I feel pain everytime that I am with them?

Do I go back? Go back to her?

For my son, I would go back, and I am seriously considering going back solely for him. He does need me.

But, do I go back for her?

I don't know.

I should have named my blog "I DON'T KNOW" instead of "STUCK BETWEEN WORLDS" maybe that would have been more appropriate.

Or maybe my current title really is the most appropriate, since it does show how I'm feeling right now.

This blog is my only outlet now. I don't have anyone to talk to about my issues and problems. Family? Forget about it. My family does not talk about their problems, we bottle them away and let them fester. Friends? I don't have many friends to speak of, only one really, she's my best friend, but I won't allow myself to burden her with my problems (even though I know she'll read about this here). I have to figure this out alone.

Alone.

Is there any scarier word in the English language?

I'm afraid to find out.