I've been sitting here for the past 5 minutes trying to figure out how to start this post.
I know I haven't posted in a few days. There is good reason. You may remember the phonecall I had with my "ex"-wife a little bit ago. Well. I had already decided to go back to Uruguay. I miss my son too much, and he needs me.
But.
Yes, there's always a "but".
I received a phone call Sunday night that changed my whole viewpoint on how things may or may not be when I get back to Uruguay. I have kept this conversation to myself for many reasons, the least of which is that I didn't want to burden anyone with the sheer sense of hurt and betrayal (I really hate that feeling, it's almost as bad as having a nice hot shower, and someone flushing the toilet, and you end up finding out how a lobster feels in a pot).
My ex called me. She wanted me to talk with Frankie, which of course I do whole-heartedly, so she calls him over. And he yells back "No, estoy mirando tele con papa-Esteban".
Translated this means "No, I'm watching TV with daddy-Esteban". WTF!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Esteban is my ex's boyfriend (he was her ex-boyfriend and now they're back).
FIRSTLY: WTF is MY son doing calling this Fuckwad dipshit limp-dicked ass-muncher Daddy???????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SECONDLY: I had specifically asked her not to have that guy around my son. EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!
THIRDLY: WTF?!?!?!?!!! Wasn't this damned woman all lovey-dovey over me again??????? Didn't she want me to go back for her?!!!!!!!?!???!???? (I was going to tell her to shove it either way for two reasons 1. Great advice from my best friend, 2. Wanted to see her writhing in despair)
I was just so distraught when I heard Frankie say that. For the first time in my pathetic, miserable life I actually contemplated taking my own life. Still haven't decided if I should or shouldn't.
But now, I'm more afraid of something else. I want to go back and be with my son, I don't know if he wants to be with me, but that's something I'll have to deal with one way or another when I get there. The thing I'm afraid of is my anger. I've actually thought about what might happen if I ever meet this guy. This guy who because of a pathetic fucking phone call broke up my family. I've thought that I might want to hurt him. And I've thought that I might not stop until there's nothing left to hurt.
That scares me.
Alot.
3 comments:
I have so much to say about this but I will talk to you on msn about it.
Thank you, Butterscotch and Cowgirl. Your sentiments both online and offline have been a great comfort to me. Ultimately, I do not know my destiny, but I'm sure eventually I will fulfill it. I know not yet what I will choose to do in any situation that I am in, but at least I know that there are people who think well of me.
Thank you FF. I appreciate and feel your sentiments wholeheartedly.
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