I'm probably a huge idiot

I had a talk with my wife.

Jeez, am I ever foolish.

When I saw her again yesterday, things became very clear for me. I want her back. I've made that decision. I've no doubt that it's probably the dumbest thing I've ever done.

I told her.

We went out for a coffee, and she asked me why I came back. I always knew that I would see Frankie again no matter what. He's my son. And that is impossible to refute. I would be with him again no matter what!

But I could have arranged it so that Frankie could go to Canada. It would have been difficult, and would probably have taken a lot of time, but I could have done it.

So why did I come back?

Her.

It's always been her.

And I told her.

She says she's happy.

That may very well be true.

But I changed when I was in Canada. I used to be a not-nice person. I decided long ago to kill that person. My thoughts of actually hurting her boyfriend were a foolish childish lash-out.

My thoughts of hurting myself also were.

I may never succeed at my task. But I came back to win her back.

And I will do so or die trying.

I cannot make her choices for her. Her choice to love me or not to love me will be her choice and hers alone. But I can and will do everything to show her that I am the person for her. I am the only one in the world who loves her this much, has always loved her and will love her until the day she dies and beyond.

She asked me, and I accepted, that I not say anything to anyone else here in Uruguay (does this blog count?). But even if I don't breathe a word of my decision to anyone else, everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, will see what my decision is, just by my actions. They will see that with every step I take, I am committed to being with her.

I may never end up with her though.

Have I thought about that? Yes, definitely. And I have decided that if that happens, then so be it. I will fight until the day of my death for her love.

Do I realize that this may mean that I will never love again?

No, it does not mean this, because I know, and I always have known somewhere deep down (and I think most people have seen this, aside from my depressions) that I always have and always will love her. My love is secure.

What about her boyfriend?

He has committed some serious errors. Not only in how he initiated their relationship, but also in contact with me. But one thing is definite. He can't deal with me. He may very well wish to initiate a physical confrontation, I will do nothing to initiate one, but if this happens, rest assured I will end it.

What do I plan on doing?

Showing her how much I love her with everything I do. Showing her that I am not the selfish child I once was. I will not try to convince her. In fact I will not shower her with constant "I love you's" or "Be with me, I'm the one for you". My attitude and my actions will show her I am the one man she should be with.

Am I not disrespecting her decision by doing this?

That may be the opinion of some people out there. There is nothing I can do to avoid this. But I do not believe this to be the case. Her decision is, and always has been, her decision. If she chooses to ignore me for the rest of my natural (and unnatural) life, that is her choice, and I do respect that. But, my actions and decisions are my own.

Why don't I just let go and find love elsewhere?

I did try this. Many of you who read this blog know this. But there was no way I could give my heart over to someone else completely unless it were ready to be given. It was not, nor will it ever be. I believe that deep down, someone already knew this.

So, for better or for worse, and I do believe it to be for better, my life's path has been decided. I think I decided it on a fateful day in August of 1996, when a tall, gorgeous Uruguayan woman butted into an airplane line-up in front of me in Brazil.

And I've never been happier.