Confusion and Hope

At times we're layered with confusion that leaves us unable to act. Frozen and scared to move or say anything. Is this what we choose to do? Do we consciously decide not to move forward, just as we conciously decide to move forward? If that is so, is it because of fear?

I know I'm rambling. I'm just trying to make sense of emotions that sometimes make no sense. Make sense of conversations that confuse and bewilder.

I saw a movie once (okay a few dozen times) which proposed the idea that we do not choose the people we love, fate shows us the way to them through signs and we have to recognize and take advantage of those signs. But what if I'm the only one that sees the signs? Or recognizes them? Does that mean that love is not meant to be? Or do we have to continue to try?

I really don't know.

I do know that I'm scared. I shouldn't be feeling all these things, and yet I do. I should be sensible and not continue, but my heart pushes me forward. And God help me, I want to be pushed by my heart. I don't want to listen to my sensible side.

But I'm not the only one in this. I have to consider the other side of this. I must. Even if it means sadness.

I know we can be happy, I just don't know if she wants to.

I apologize for those reading this who were so confuzzled (thank you Cowgirl for that cool word) as to not understand a freaking word I said, but I do appreciate those who have gotten this far without their brains melting, you are good friends to read and care.

And to you, (you know who you are), if you understood my confusion understand that I also understand your confusion. I am here, I always will be.

Joy

To be happy is a feeling I wish on all. A certain person has made me joyous this evening. We spent an hour talking and it was a comfortable conversation. We talked a little about everything.

Some about how we felt, some about purchases, an inordinately odd amount of time on her one-sided conversations with other drivers (that's for you hun ;) ) but mostly just feeling each other's presence. Revelling in each other's presence, even if it is only telephonic. The time on the phone just flows, letting the passing minutes fly past with the speed of seconds, but at the same time enjoying every second as if it were an eternity. Hearing her voice tonight made me aware that anticipation does make the heart grow fonder. Most think it's absence, but that just makes it sadder. In my case, those simple 62 minutes were amazing.

It's very comforting to be able to talk to someone and there are no expectations, only hopes and desires. You fall into a rhythm of listening to each other's voice and thinking how nice it would be to talk to this person face to face.

I know that this is going someplace spectacular. But even if I'm wrong (strange, but it happens!!) and it doesn't I do know that I have a friend for life and beyond.

Driver's License

I went to get my driver's license this morning. FUCK!

My license expired 4 years ago, while I was in Uruguay. And because it's more than 3 years expired I have to go through Graduated licensing again.

Went to take the written test this morning and missed passing by 1 fucking question!

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now I have to go again sometime in the week, when I'm working (and have to find a way to do that without losing work hours).

That pisses me off soooooo much, and at the same time I'm pleased.

Why am I pleased you might ask? Because at the very least they aren't giving Driver's Licenses in Ontario to any numbskull. Yes, there are numbskulls out there who are driving, but they at least had the presence of mind at one point to get the answers right.

Oh well, gotta hit the books again. Anyone wanna help me study?

It's a bitter pill...but there's a sweet taste afterwards

I got paid yesterday. Am I happy I got paid? Of course.

But, I was getting seriously annoyed with the tension at home, so I decided to swallow my pride and give my grandmother money. I still think that what she wants me to pay her per month is completely and utterly insane, but I'd rather have less $$$ than have an uncomfortable living situation.

So I gave her money, and now she's all nice to me again. Pisses me off.

Thankfully she's going back to Uruguay soon, and I won't have to put up with it.

On the upside, I talked to Frankie last night. Now, as I said earlier, he's a little over 2 and a half, and he's in preschool. But last night, while I was talking to him, he starts telling me about his girlfriends!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Apparently he has 2!

My son, a regular Casanova!

He told me that a girl in his class, Luana, was his first girlfriend, then he broke up with her and got with Maite, then he started with Luana again, and now he's got both at the same time!!!!!!!!!

What a kid!

He's definitely not like his dad. I started going out with my first girlfriend (coincidentally also named Luana) when I was 16. Then no others until I was 19, and I proposed to the second one, and married the third. So as you can see my son has gotten off to an early start!

I was soooo happy to hear his voice!

Please, oh please, wash your hands!!!

I was watching TV last night and oh boy was I ever disgusted. I was watching this news show, it was doing an exposé on Fast Food restaurants and the quality of their ice.

They tested the ice of several of the best known Fast Food Restaurants and Convenience stores in Los Angeles, Chicago, New York, and Washington D.C.

When they got their tests back, the results were shocking! In all of the cities, except for New York, all the restaurants and convenience stores failed the tests! Their ice tested positive for FECAL MATTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just in case some don't know, that's SHIT!

Amazingly enough, all the New York restaurants and convenience stores, passed the tests with flying colours. There was some speculation on this saying that because New York is such a large city, there are standards imposed that aren't imposed anywhere else.

This shocked me so badly. It's sooo easy to wash your hands when you finish in the bathroom. Seriously, HOW FUCKING DIFFICULT IS IT???????????????????

And yet, there was shit on the ice.

Thank God I always get my drinks without ice.

Periodic Table

I was surfing around the internet this evening, just enjoying the nice night. My eyes keep wandering to those two wonderful pics my dad sent me of Frankie.

Well, as I was saying, I was just surfing, when I found this hillarious web-page about the "Periodic Table of Elements" from The Man Show. Believe me, it is sooooooooooooo worth it.

http://guggemand.dk.nyud.net:8090/flash/PeriodicTable.swf

And for you women out there: It'll explain a hell of a lot to you!

Enjoy!!

My BOY!!!!!!!!!!!

I just received the most beautiful gift anyone has given me since I left Uruguay. My dad just sent me two pictures of my beautiful son Francisco. I haven't seen him since I left, aside from pictures that I brought with me, and finally, after 6 months, my dad has sent me these pics.

This wonderful boy, I miss him soooooo much. He's at least half a head bigger than he was the last time I saw him.




The dates are wrong, but that's because my dad doesn't know how to set the date on the camera. He's standing in a park in Montevideo, about 3 blocks from my Uruguayan apartment. He's wearing a pre-school uniform.

Isn't he gorgeous?????????????????????????

It's like a flushing toilet bowl

I've been kinda depressed these last few days. The whole Father's day thing affected me more than I thought. Add to that that I was finally able to talk to my ex-brother-in-law about my Sister being 5 months pregnant. He didn't know and he found out from one of her friends. She had asked me not to tell him. I hated not telling him, he's like the brother I never had. But my sister asked me for a favour, and despite the distance, there's no way I'd ever not say no to my baby sister.

I was finally able to talk to him about it, and he understood why I didn't tell him, but I could tell he was hurt. It was like being between a rock and a guillotine. But it was my sister. I know what I did was right.

So to show my loyalty to him, I spent all weekend with him. Got away from my grandparents and my uncle for a couple of days, and just hung out with Gabe, had some beers, had some vodka coolers, just chilled, had fun. I cooked for him, nothing grand, but he knew I was trying to make up for not telling him about my sis.

So we had a pretty good time, it was relaxing.

I thought everything was gonna be fine. At least with Gabe it is fine.

I get to work this morning, and I figure "I had a good weekend, patched things up with Gabe, it was nice".

Then a while ago, I started chatting with my dad on MSN. My cousin died. I have alot of cousins, all over North and South America, the benefit of my Dad having a lot of brothers and sisters. I only met her 2 or 3 times, but it was my cousin. She died a couple of days ago. She was 9, and died of Leukemia. That hit me like a freight train. I really wasn't expecting that.

I told BG about it, and she understood. I wish I could talk to my other friend about it, but I don't think I will. She'll probably read it here. If she does, fine.

I guess Garfield was right, Mondays suck.

Being a dad

I talked to my ex today. She MSN'd me and asked me to call so I could talk to my son. He misses me. I miss him.

Father's day on Sunday won't be so bad since in Uruguay Father's day is held in July, but talking to him today just killed me. He asked me to do animal noises for him. Luckily I'm a walking zoo :)

I spent about 20 minutes just doing an elephant noise over and over for him. By the time I got to a horse neighing I was crying. All I want is to be with him. All of my other emotional goings on aside. I just wanna be with him.

After I finished a zooful of noises, he said "Talk to mom" and went off to play. My ex then proceeded to tell me how much he misses me. I don't even think she knew how badly I was hurting. She told me taht when he goes for his nap, he stops beside his bed, looks at the picture of me that he has there, gives it a kiss and says "I miss Papa". I wanted to die right then and there.

I will be with him again. There is no force in the universe that can stop a parent from being with his/her child once you set your mind to it.

I dare you Universe!! TRY AND STOP ME!

Sweating buckets.........

Oh boy!

I'm nervous today. I've been working for three months, and after the third month is a job review.

I think I'll do well, but I'm still nervous. I've gotten a good handle on the job so far, some screw-ups, but minor, but even so I still think I'll do well.

The thing is, I'm still nervous.

I think anyone gets nervous when job performance is being reviewed. We start thinking about every single detail, every conversation, every comment, every step we've taken. We analyze every error we've made to an extreme. Every conversation that your boss has with anyone, you wonder if it's about your performance, and if it's a good conversation.

Oh boy.

Wish me luck.
---------------------------------

UPDATE

Boss told me that my review will be next week. More time to prepare!

Superman II

I was watching Superman II last night. I really like the movie, it's really the best of the series of Superman movies so far. They are making a new one, and hopefully that one will be good too. But I was watching that last night, and this morning I finally understood Lois Lane. In one of the last scenes of the movie, Lois is in her office with Clark Kent, and she knows that he's Superman. She tells him how difficult it is for her to love him and know his secret at the same time. Clark tries to console her by trying to tell her that she will eventually find someone else to love. She scoffs at this saying he's a hard act to follow, and saying that when it comes to him she is selfish, and she wants him all to herself.

This morning I finally understand Lois. But I can't be selfish. I just can't. I've told many that they should be selfish in love, saying that people must do whatever feels right for themselves, but I can't do it myself. I can't put my wishes ahead of the wishes of the ones I care for. I just can't, even though I want to.

I will always be a friend to the people I want to be with, it's happened before, it has happened now, and I have no doubt it'll happen again. I guess I'm fated to be the ultimate friend.

Sometimes I wish I were different and I didn't feel this way.

Today, tomorrow, always.....

Sometimes in our lives we're faced with decisions. These decisions define not only our moments, but our days and our futures. Not only must we be careful of the decisions we make, but we must be careful of who our decisions affect.

Last night a situation arose with a friend. I will be vague, because I do want to respect this person's privacy.

My friend was extremely distraught over a situation that arose in their life, and because of this was confused as to their possibilities of ultimate happiness.

I am no psychologist, or psychiatrist. Hell, sometimes I'm not even a good typist. So I have no right to judge my friend's choices and/or actions. But obviously I do try to keep my friend's best interests in mind, as I see them. So instead of giving my friend options and choices that would confuse them even more, I explained that I did understand my friend's situation, and would endeavour to give my full support, regardless. I do hope my friend understood. But in the spirit of blogging, I will write what I was trying to say last night, in this manner if my friend reads this, they will know that their comfort and happiness is paramount to me.

Anything that my friend needs to say, I will listen without reservation and/or judgement. My friend needs make no choices, unless they feel comfortable with those choices, and whatever those choices may ultimately be, I will support them, without hesitation.

Sometimes, we're faced with decisions. I have no doubt in my mind, in supporting and trying to help my friend, I have made the right one, for the present and the future.

Good Luck, my friend.

Scared Shitless!!!!!!!!!!!

It's a quarter to 9 in the evening here and I'm waiting for Cowgirl to come back online. She said she was going shopping, but that when she came back she would give me something.

Sometimes I have feelings about things, and most of the time these feelings are right. In this case I have a feeling that she's gonna give me her phone number, so that I can call her. I've already given her mine, subtly done after she asked so that she might call me for my birthday.

I'm scared to death now. While chatting chatting online, I let myself go, I'm not afraid to hide my personality. Strangely enough I'm very shy, not to the point where I freeze up, but I do get slightly quiet. If she were to give me her number, and I were to call her, what would I say? What would she say? Might she dislike my voice? Would I be able to hold up my end of the conversation with the witty banter that I've been able to spew at a moment's notice, while we've been chatting?

I'm nervous as hell. I give my feeling a 95% chance of correctness. At the same time I both hope I'm right, and I hope I'm wrong.

More to come later, I hope.

A slight breeze

I feel a slight breeze coming in through the open window of my apartment. After the thunderstorm yesterday and the storm warnings today, it's very refreshing, and it matches my mood. Mellow, calm, happy.

I honestly can't believe how happy I've been in the last few days. I'm not talking joyous bliss or anything like that, but a nice glowy feeling. It's been a long time since I felt anything similar.

Actually I can pinpoint the last time I felt this, It was my son's 1st birthday. We had setup a party in Montevideo, the capital city of Uruguay, where we were living at the time. It was a nice birthday party a lot of kids, a lot of friends. And my son, wow! He was a trooper. Stayed awake for every single picture we took of him, when we ran out of film (yes we were using film and not digital cams), he conked right out. Just being there with him was sooo great.

And now I'm feeling similar happiness. The only thing that would make this perfect would be if he were with me. I miss him alot.

Sometimes the weather sucks, but then when the aftermath is so pleasant, it may actually be worth going through that shitty weather. It's a nice breeze.

Holy SHIT this is hilarious!

I just read this joke online and haven't been able to stop laughing. Enjoy!


" Al Gore, Bill Clinton, George W. Bush are in a tragic plane crash and the next thing they know, they're standing before God, seated upon a blindingly radiant throne.

God says to Gore, "Al...what do you believe?"

Al Gore says, "Well, I believe that I really did win that election. But for whatever reason, you decided that I was not destined to serve you in that capacity, and I have since made peace with it."

God says, "Very well, Al. You may sit to my left. Bill...what do you believe?"

Bill Clinton says, "I believe I did a lot of good, made a lot of enemies, and I was undermined by my own weakness that I should have been able to rise above. I wish to find forgiveness in my heart for those who sinned against me, and would hope that they likewise could find it in them to forgive me my trespasses."

God says, "Very well, Bill. You may sit to my right. George...what do you believe?"

And George W. Bush says, "I believe you're sitting in my chair."


ROTFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cats and Dogs

Damn! The rain just started and I wasn't even expecting it.

I had just finished working this afternoon, and was walking to the Bus stop (about a 15 minute walk). I was actually enjoying my walk, thinking about a very interesting conversation I had with a friend over MSN.

Well back to my walk. There I was just thinking about a whole bunch of things, when all of a sudden, drip drip drop drop splash!

I was drenched in 5 minutes! But you wanna know the funny thing? I LOVED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was such a refreshing feeling, just enjoying the semi-warm water splashing on me, I felt soooooo free. Of course my shoes, socks, pants, shirt, underwear and hair getting drenched was annoying, but I really enjoyed it.

Boy oh boy, what a nice day I've had!

Good Birthday

Wow, I'm actually having fun on my birthday!!!!

I've had who knows how many beers and Woody's vodkas, but holy shit they've been alot!

I want to say soooooo much, but I'm freaked that I'll spell it all wrong.

Maybe after my hangover tomorrow I'll write better. Having a hell of a lot of fun though. And a couple of my friends remembered my birthday and wished me a happy birthday and one of them even started her own blog, which is sooooooo cool.

Leaves on the Wind

I keep looking out the window, and I see them. Leaves floating off trees, flying all over the place, led by the wind to places these leaves never expected to be. Fate is like that, taking us places we never expected to be.

I talked to Cowgirl today. Wow. These past two months of chatting have culminated into a single moment when light shone in my life in ways that I never expected it would again. Now all of you reading will probably take that the wrong way, but nothing untoward happened. It was a wonderful conversation. She asked me what I wanted, and boy oh boy was that a hard one. I don't mean that I didn't know the answer to it, it's just that opening your heart and soul like that is scary.

I told her. I want a chance.

A chance for what you may ask? Well, a chance to strive for the infinite, I guess.

And you know what? Against all odds, flying in the face of adversity and going against all logic, she said I have that chance. And now I'm flying. Screw floating on the wind and being led by fate, I'm flying through the wind like Superman racing to save Lois Lane (I don't see myself as Superman, and I don't see Cowgirl as Lois Lane, but I love the imagery). She's given me the chance to take control of destiny, she's given us a chance.

I don't think my birthday tomorrow will be as bad as I thought. I might even enjoy myself.

It's like a guitar string

The tension in this house is thicker than peanut butter. I know, strange image, but it's true.

Here I am, on the computer chatting with BG and Cowgirl, when she can chat(have to remember she has a young boy and a dumbass husband), and cleaning the house at the same time. My grandmother meantime is cleaning the bathroom with enough bleach to make this apartment seem like an olympic size swimming pool.

We haven't said more than two words to each other since our fight. And honestly I don't have any urge to. I will do my part to help, as I always have, but I am not going to be anyone's bitch slave.

On another note, I'm nervous about tonight. I've got to call Uruguay to talk with my ex. She says that there are things that need to be said. So I'm gonna let her say them. Just thinking about that call makes me shake. What will she say? What will I say? What will my reaction be? God, I wish life were easier.

Ok, on to nicer things.

Last night I had an incredible conversation with Cowgirl. Cowgirl and I have been chatting for about 2 months. Which is kinda interesting considering how we met. The thing is one of her friends hates me, and I mean hate with a vengeance. Therefore, by association, Cow-girl hated me too. One wonderful night I went to a dance bar, and lo and behold I meet Cow-girl in person! Of course she wanted nothing to do with me, but she was civil. Even up to the point of asking me for a smoke. Of course I gave it to her, it was the least I could do.

A few days later, I see her on an internet chat site, and I IM'd her, thanking her for being nice, we've been chatting ever since. She is an amazing woman, I really do like her, but I understand her confusion. Her friend hates me, but she has befriended me. So last night, we got it out in the open, so to speak. We were on MSN and I explained that I did understand her confusion, and her reticence to speak with me. It seems that she felt better about talking with me after that conversation. I have no pretensions of a relationship with this woman, and even if it were possible, I don't know if it would be feasible. But I do not want to lose her friendship. So I gave her a choice, if she felt uncomfortable talking to me she could chose to not talk to me anymore, and I would bear her no ill will (I think those were the exact words I used). But if she did want to keep talking to me, that would be fine too. Personally I hope she choses the latter, which it seems she has, because she's been coming on and off MSN this morning and messaging me. But once again it's her choice.

After this whole emotionally charged situation was over, I talked with BG about it, and she understood. She's a good friend. I'm glad I have a friend that I can be open with. Without judgements. We spoke to each other last night until almost 2:30 am, about a variety of things, but invariably sex and relationships, which is where our conversations normally lead. But what I like most about talking to her, is that there is no fear of anything we say to each other.

I'm glad and very lucky to have such good friends these days.

Birthday's coming up, that sucks.

Sunday is my birthday. I'm turning 30. The big 3-0

Oh boy.

It's not that I hate birthdays, I just hate the fact that I won't be able to spend it with my son. I guess I'm depressed. But why? Easy, I have no doubt, that not a single family member will remember my birthday.

I figure my friends will, and now that I've posted this, Hester will definitely remember, but family, no fucking way.

How sad is that?

BG and a friend I'll call Cowgirl recommended that I tell everyone I know. Don't really want to. Seems like stuff I did when I was 12.

So, I guess I will spend my birthday wallowing in self-pity, and wondering what the fuck I'm doing here without my boy.

Money just keeps being a pain in the ass!

Just got home from tutoring my cousin, it's 12:30 am. Had a huge fight with my grandmother, and over what????? MONEY!

SHIT HOLING FUCKING MONEY! I got pissed off, she got pissed off, and I bitched at her alot for not understanding and being a pain in the ass.

She just doesn't understand that when you have a new bank account and you deposit a pay cheque, the bank holds the cheque for a week. She thinks the money magically appears in my hand.

Not to mention the fact that Gabe still hasn't given me the money he owes me, even though I did call him this afternoon and he said he would pay me today.

I'm so pissed off right now, and this blog is the only way I have of venting. Not to mention that I can't even talk to my friend, whom I will call BG. BG's probably sleeping and resting. While here I am typing like a madman, and sweating like a hog, and with not an ounce of sleepiness falling upon me.

Hope tomorrow is better. At least it's Friday.

Male obsessions.....

Why is it that men obsess so much about sex?

Is it just men? Are women as utterly obsessed with it as men are??????????

I've been obsessing about sex lately. The whole "not having it" part is enough to obsess about, but lately I obsess about all aspects of sex. What the opposite gender thinks, what they want, who's having sex, who isn't, who's being deviant and why, what is sexual deviance, all these thoughts ramble through my head.

I talk about sex alot with a friend of mine, a girl, and they're normally fairly open conversations. But what is it about men, in general, that makes us look for sex in so many places. Porn is mainly focused at men, or at least the thought process behind porn is that men want to see the explicitness of fucking, while women want the eroticism and romance. I don't know if that's necessarily true, but it sure as hell feels right.

Now specifically in my case, I like porn. It's kind of embarassing at times to admit that, but it's true. I watch porn every now and then, I read erotica, and I look at women. I don't mean in a leacherous way or anything, but I look.

But do men ever consider that porn isn't reality? We, as a gender, get so inundated with hardcore fucking scenes, with hairless women who have more implants than hair club for men members. Not to mention all the faked female orgasms. Do we really think that we'll fuck that kind of woman? And if we do, why do we want to? I've fantasized about those kinds of women, but honestly that's not the kind of woman that arouses me.

What do women consider erotic or sexy? Is it male hair? Dick size? Or might it be something that has nothing to do with fucking in and of itself? I really don't know. Whatever it is, I don't have it, or else I'd be having sex.

My ex-brother-in-law is a great guy but women are meat to him, something to eat, devour, barely savour, and then shit away. And that disgusts me, but there is something about him that women go for.

Who knows. I sure don't.

The Dichotomy of Money

I hate money. I love money. Money confuses me.

I have to call my friend/ex-brother-in-law and ask him for money that he owes me. This sucks. Thing is I sent my dad over $700 yesterday for expenses down South. Add to this that I have to give my grandma $120 for my weekly expenses here. I've only got $20 in my wallet. SHIT!

So have to call Gabe for that money, and I really don't wanna.

Embarassed to shit for that.

No choice.

My first blog, my first post

Well, guess I had better take advantage of this format. Seems kinda like an internet diary. LOL I always hated diaries, and here I am trying to flesh out my thoughts in an electronic one. Irony abounds.

I have this new blog, and I guess I'm gonna be venting and giving all kinds of personal info, with the hopes that somebody and nobody reads it.

I was born in Canada, raised in Canada, and lived in Canada for most of my life. My parents are from South America. Worst part is that I've got a totally hispanic first and last name. There is no way that anyone will ever confuse my name with an anglo one, add to this that I barely look hispanic :S

Well I've been back in Canada since January. I left Canada August of 98, because I had fallen in love with and married a Uruguayan girl (Uruguay is my parents home country). We went to live in Uruguay, and set up a life down there.

I thought we were happy. Guess not.

We have a little boy, his name's Frankie. He's almost a carbon copy of me, which makes me all kinds of proud.

But, the wifey decided a while back that she was no longer in love with the hubby. So she asked me for a seperation, I gave it to her. I don't like the idea of being with someone who doesn't love me.

Add to this that I lost my job (this was about December of 04). I made a harsh and maybe terrible decision. I would move back to Canada for a while and try to make a shitload of money so I could pay off my debts in Uruguay and then maybe go back.

It's now been 5 months since I've been here, and I'm depressed as hell. I miss my son horribly, my ex called me and told me that she wanted to be with me again, this was about 3 months ago, and then I found out that she had hooked up with her ex boyfriend and gotten pregnant. Now she wants an abortion, and it's illegal down there.

So I'm confused as all holy hell.

I live with my dipwad of an uncle, who has this strange obsession with 70s porn. And just my luck, my grandparents came to Canada from Uruguay, and are staying with us. This totally sucks.

All the while, I'm working and trying to send money down south to pay off everything, and I still send money to the ex, so that my beautiful wonderful son can stay in his bedroom. I miss him sooo bad.

I've actually looked for love, maybe in the wrong places, maybe in the right ones, no luck yet. Have met through the internet some amazing women, they're not all that interested in me though. I'm not all that good looking. Recently met a very interesting, but odd, woman. She makes me laugh alot.

More to come soon.