I know you all missed me!

Well, here I am.

Back after a while.

I'm sure you all want updates as to how it's going with the ex, but nope. I'm not giving updates yet. Mostly because it's not going.

But as promised, I bring you pics! Tons and tons of pics!

My trip here to Uruguay, my son, my son and more of my son. And some of Uruguay too.

Brief description to follow each pic.


This is my boarding gate at Lester B. Pearson International Airport in Toronto.

My trip was going to be a long one. I travelled from Toronto to Santiago, Chile, then from Santiago to Montevideo, Uruguay. Left Saturday October 15th at 11:55pm EST, arrived in Montevideo on Sunday October 16th at 5pm Uruguay time.


A blurry but visible image of the plane I was to travel on.


My carry-on luggage. Including a Batmobile I bought for Frankie.


The view outside my window as we were arriving in Chile.






Amazing views, don't you think? These are the Andes.




Pics of the Airport in Santiago de Chile.


This is the plane I would take from Chile to Montevideo. I had to wait 3 hours in the airport before I could board.


The view as we were arriving in Uruguay.


The Carrasco International Airport in Uruguay.




Arriving in Uruguay, one has to go through Migrations and Customs.




My wonderful Son, Francisco. I gave him that little bottle of water. I spent the first 2 hours in Uruguay holding him and crying.


My dad with Frankie and a set of Hot Wheels cars that I bought for my boy.


Frankie standing in front of my sister's pregnant belly. He talks to his little unborn cousin.








Isn't he gorgeous while he takes his nap?






These are pics of the view of the Montevideo Rambla. This is literally a street that runs the length of the coastline along the whole eastern coast of the country. It's filled with beaches and beautiful sights. These are taken from the neighbourhood of Pocitos, where I'm currently living.

Well, I hope you've all enjoyed these pics. Don't worry, more are to come.

I guess you could consider these HNT's but, not really. Either way, I'm ecstatic to be with my boy.

I'm probably a huge idiot

I had a talk with my wife.

Jeez, am I ever foolish.

When I saw her again yesterday, things became very clear for me. I want her back. I've made that decision. I've no doubt that it's probably the dumbest thing I've ever done.

I told her.

We went out for a coffee, and she asked me why I came back. I always knew that I would see Frankie again no matter what. He's my son. And that is impossible to refute. I would be with him again no matter what!

But I could have arranged it so that Frankie could go to Canada. It would have been difficult, and would probably have taken a lot of time, but I could have done it.

So why did I come back?

Her.

It's always been her.

And I told her.

She says she's happy.

That may very well be true.

But I changed when I was in Canada. I used to be a not-nice person. I decided long ago to kill that person. My thoughts of actually hurting her boyfriend were a foolish childish lash-out.

My thoughts of hurting myself also were.

I may never succeed at my task. But I came back to win her back.

And I will do so or die trying.

I cannot make her choices for her. Her choice to love me or not to love me will be her choice and hers alone. But I can and will do everything to show her that I am the person for her. I am the only one in the world who loves her this much, has always loved her and will love her until the day she dies and beyond.

She asked me, and I accepted, that I not say anything to anyone else here in Uruguay (does this blog count?). But even if I don't breathe a word of my decision to anyone else, everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, will see what my decision is, just by my actions. They will see that with every step I take, I am committed to being with her.

I may never end up with her though.

Have I thought about that? Yes, definitely. And I have decided that if that happens, then so be it. I will fight until the day of my death for her love.

Do I realize that this may mean that I will never love again?

No, it does not mean this, because I know, and I always have known somewhere deep down (and I think most people have seen this, aside from my depressions) that I always have and always will love her. My love is secure.

What about her boyfriend?

He has committed some serious errors. Not only in how he initiated their relationship, but also in contact with me. But one thing is definite. He can't deal with me. He may very well wish to initiate a physical confrontation, I will do nothing to initiate one, but if this happens, rest assured I will end it.

What do I plan on doing?

Showing her how much I love her with everything I do. Showing her that I am not the selfish child I once was. I will not try to convince her. In fact I will not shower her with constant "I love you's" or "Be with me, I'm the one for you". My attitude and my actions will show her I am the one man she should be with.

Am I not disrespecting her decision by doing this?

That may be the opinion of some people out there. There is nothing I can do to avoid this. But I do not believe this to be the case. Her decision is, and always has been, her decision. If she chooses to ignore me for the rest of my natural (and unnatural) life, that is her choice, and I do respect that. But, my actions and decisions are my own.

Why don't I just let go and find love elsewhere?

I did try this. Many of you who read this blog know this. But there was no way I could give my heart over to someone else completely unless it were ready to be given. It was not, nor will it ever be. I believe that deep down, someone already knew this.

So, for better or for worse, and I do believe it to be for better, my life's path has been decided. I think I decided it on a fateful day in August of 1996, when a tall, gorgeous Uruguayan woman butted into an airplane line-up in front of me in Brazil.

And I've never been happier.

Delayed HNT#2

Sorry for the delay everyone.

Here's my 2nd HNT posting.

I only have a few more hours left before I leave, and the bags are packed. Too bad Ben Affleck and Liv Tyler aren't here to sing to me

This is one of my suitcases. As some may be able to tell, I'm travelling Air Canada.



Wish me luck!

And the bombardment continues....

As everyone might know, once I get back to Uruguay I'm going to be taking a hell of a lot of pics of me and my boy.

So, just to start you off, here's a pic of him and his best friend at a Birthday Party.

Let's find out a little bit more about me...

I was sent this email this afternoon.

I was directed to email it out to people, but when I started compiling the list of who I was going to send it to it was so embarassingly short I decided to post it on my blog.

Anyone who likes it can do it themselves :-)


Welcome to the Fall 2005 edition of getting to know your friends. If you're bored with the weather, this will keep you busy for awhile. What you are supposed to do is copy (not forward) this entire email and paste it into a new one. Change all the answers so they apply to you and then send this to a whole bunch of people, including the person who sent it to you. The idea is that you will learn a lot of little things about your friends that you probably didn't know already.

1. What time did you get up this morning? 6:00

2. Diamonds or pearls? I like both, but I prefer Amethysts

3. What was the last film you saw in the cinema? Spider-Man 2, but I download a lot of movies now.

4. What's your favorite TV show? Veronica Mars

5. What did you have for breakfast this morning? Glass of OJ

6. What's your favorite cuisine? Sorrentinos

7. What foods do you dislike? Beets and Cucumbers

8. What is your favorite chip flavor? Sour Cream & Onion

9. What's your favorite CD at the moment? Bon Jovi "Have a nice day"

10. What kind of car do you drive? None, but sometimes my grandfather's Pontiac

11. Favorite sandwich? Ham and Turkey with Homemade mayo

12. What characteristics do you despise? When people insult others

13. Favorite item of clothing? T-shirt and jeans

14. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? Greece

15. What color is your bathroom? White

16. Favorite brand of clothing? I really like Tommy Hilfiger, but anything that's comfortable

17. Where would you retire to? My beach house (or it will be when my parents kick the bucket)

18. Favorite time of the day? mid-afternoon

19. What was your most memorable birthday? 12, 18, 26, 29 (the last one, not for good reasons)

20. Where were you born? Toronto, Ontario

21. Favorite sport to watch? Baseball, Soccer (in the stadiums), Swim tourneys

22. Who do you least expect to send this back to you? Probably noone will

23. Person you expect to send it back first? Cowgirl

24. What fabric detergent do you use? Tide

25. Were you named after anyone? My grandfather and my dad's nickname

26. Do you wish on stars? Everynight

27. When did you last cry? Today

28. Do you like your handwriting? yes

29. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? No

30. Are you a daredevil? I wish I were more of a daredevil

31. Do looks matter? Not at all. True beauty lies in thoughts, words, and soul. When these characteristics flourish, beauty becomes apparent.

32. How do you release anger? I used to punch walls and tanks, now i cry or bury my anger

33. Where is your second home? I'm going back to my true home (although I don't really have one)

34. What were your favorite toys as a child? Loved my Transformers

35. What class in High School was totally useless? OAC French

36. Do you use sarcasm a lot? Constantly

37. Favorite movies? The Truth about Cats and Dogs, Fools Rush In (I know I will get razzed for these)

38. What are your nicknames? Pabs, Pableets, Danny, Foreign Guy, Pablito

39. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Never have never will

40. Do you think that you are strong? I know I am, but emotionally I'm weak as a wet tissue

41. What's your favorite ice cream flavor? Chocolate with Peanut Butter Chunks

42. What are your favorite colors? Blue, Red, Black

43. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? My weight and my looks

44. What do you miss the most? My son, and smiling

45. Do you want everyone you sent this to send it back? God, yes

46. What color pants are you wearing? Blue Jeans

47. What are you listening to right now? Theory of a Deadman

48. Last thing you ate? Pizza

49. If you were a CRAYON what color would you be? Purple

50. Last person you talked to on the phone? A customer at work

51. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Eyes and ass

52. Favourite Drink? Scotch

53. Do you wear contacts? no

54. Favorite Day(s)? Saturdays

55. Scary Movies or Happy Endings? Happy Endings

56. Summer or winter? Summer

57. Hugs OR Kisses? Kisses, I so adore kissing! (Although I've only kissed 4 women in my life)

58. What Is Your Favorite Dessert? Usually skip dessert

59. What Book(s)Are You Reading? Stephen King's "Bag of Bones"

60. What's On Your Mouse Pad? Marvin the Martian, Daffy Duck, Yosemite Sam

61. What Did You Watch Last night on TV? CSI, Daddy Daycare

62. Favorite Smells? Fresh baked blueberry muffins

63. Rolling Stones or Beatles? Rolling Stones

64. Do you have any pets? 1 dog (she's with my sister now)

65. Are you in love? I plead the 5th

66. Where do you live? Mississauga, Ontario, but in 8 days that's changing to Montevideo, Uruguay

My first HNT...

Ok, this is my first HNT, and hopefully not my last.

Lack of inspiration and sheer embarassment led me to post this picture (no way was I gonna post a pic of my hairy ass the first time out).

Either way, this does matter to me, as you can see my Make Poverty History wristband.

Suggestions for my next HNT are welcome :-)

The memories we take

As my time here grows shorter, I find myself wondering, will I miss Canada? Will I take anything of worth with me when I leave?

I have 10 days left before I leave this country, and to be honest I am grateful for my time here in Canada. I didn't enjoy a lot of it, but I will take some beautiful memories with me when I leave.

Canada has given me an education, it's given my family everything, up until 8 years ago. The last 8 years my history and my life have been Uruguay and the people in Uruguay, but I can not forget what Canada means to me. My father became a world-recognized welder and fabrication engineer here in Canada. My mother, had the possibility to spend almost all of her time as a stay at home mother. My sister and I had every single benefit in the world. Canada gave well to my family. But my life no longer lies in Canada.

So when I leave, my memories will include my amazing friendships: Al, Gonzalo, Amanda, Terry, Gabe, Frank, Steve, Saami, Ken, Mary, Lis, Edwin, Joanne, Zima. The amazing times I spent with them: The trip to Wasaga, the dancing at Blue Suede Sue's, the failed trips to Ten, the sheer embarassment while trying to hit on girls and having absolutely zero success (even though Edwin kept saying I was good looking), the drunken idiocies which we will never speak of, but will always remember, the sheer terror of finding a woman bobbing up and down on me, a trip I took up north in the middle of a work week for a fleeting glance at an angel.

These are all good memories, wonderful memories that I will carry with me fondly always.

I have made virtual friends also, all these people online who read my misadventures in love and parenting (although I haven't done much parenting lately), these people will also stay in my heart and in my mind always.

Unfortunately there are also sad and bad memories to accompany these good ones. Stupid choices to help supposed friends, expenses when I shouldn't have spent a dime, the pain I felt during the whole F debacle (and it's ongoing). I will carry all this too.

I have fallen, I have flown, I have learned, I have lost, I have smiled, and I have cried. I have lived.

And yet, I have no intentions of returning to Canada in the near future, or to be honest in the far future. The time I spent away from Frankie was enough to teach me that even if I never love again, I can never be away from my boy again.

My time here has changed me. I don't know if it's changed me for the better or for worse, but there has definitely been a change. I have become less a happy man, and more a cynical man. I no longer allow my feelings to drive me, but logic and reason, and I will not let anyone stand in the way of what I want anymore. If living in this world means being cruel and insensitive then that's how I will be. I do not like this, but I will do it. And I will achieve my goals.

And yet, I take from this experience friendships and kindness. I take memories that will never be erased. I take from this everything that a man should take from an experience, continuance of life.

And the preparations continue...

So this weekend I took significant steps in my preparation to return to Uruguay.

Some of you might still be wondering about the date I'm leaving (unless you're bored to tears with my blog, and only stop by to see if I've uploaded any more pics of Frankie).

Well the confirmed date is October 15, 2005. My plane leaves at 11:55 pm that night. I will be arriving in Montevideo, Uruguay October 16th at 5 pm local time.

I know, I know, it's pretty damned soon, but I miss my boy. Also, I won't have a job after the 14th, so I might as well leave.

The interesting thing is that noone in my family down south (except my dad and my grandpa) know that I'm arriving on the 16th. They actually believe that I'll be arriving at the end of the month. Although I've asked my dad to arrange for Frankie to be at the airport to greet me. I can't wait.

Now, you may all be wondering why am I not letting anyone know? My father and grandfather are sworn to secrecy, but noone else knows. I've actually been considering some revenge. A friend of mine in Uruguay offered to seduce F's new/old boyfriend so that she might feel some of what I've felt. And I was planning on doing some surveillance to help my friend, while noone knows I'm there.

I know, this seems low and childish. But I was hurt. And I've been hurt too many times in my life and I've just taken it, pushed it down low and let people continue to hurt me. Now it's time for me to not let myself get hurt anymore, it's time for me to strike back.

Now I was given some advice this morning, that this is a bad idea. I do understand that point of view, believe me I do. But the thing that hurts, the thing that I felt helpless against, was the hope she gave me and took away, the fact that 2 weeks after I left Uruguay she got pregnant, my son calling someone else "daddy", the betrayal I felt after I had not only given all of my love to her, but my entire soul. Even today, she is still the woman I compare other women against.

Pathetic, I know.

So now, I'm at a crossroads, do I continue down this road, which will inevitably hurt her (and I know that the limp-dicked ass muncher will fall, he's exactly that type of guy) or do I swallow all my pain down and just continue down the road I have gone down all of my life?

I know that if I set my mind to it, I can make her life and his a living hell, make them experience just a touch of what I've felt these past 9 months. But something a friend of mine said to me this morning still echoes in my head.

"You're not like that"

Aren't I? Do I want to be? What am I like?

Shit.

I'm gonna have to think about this alot.

Moving on....

I've bought a new suitcase for my trip, since my old one has a seriously fucked up zipper. I bought some towels for my grandma, on her request. I bought myself a new pair of jeans and two t-shirts. I'm gonna buy Frankie a Batmobile next week, I promised it to him as well as some Hot Wheels cars. Also I'm gonna buy memory and possibly a new processor for my computer in Uruguay, so that Frankie and I can watch all the movies I've downloaded and burned. Still have to buy more CD-R's, and I'd definitely like to buy some new toiletries.

It'll all be over soon enough. One way or another.