Stuck Between Worlds

Changes....oh the changes!!!

2009-09-30T16:00:00.001-03:00

My team @ work has recently gone under a variety of changes. While some good, some are still in the air as to whether they're good or not.

With the first large change being the removal of HB as my boss we were floored. Not necessarily disappointed, mind you. We, as a team, had many things that we wanted to do, but were boss-blocked constantly.

At first we were moved to work under CB, which was kind of odd, since none of us knew him, and some hadn't even heard of him. We received a "welcome to the team email". Which was nice....but then nothing.

And then about a week ago, the next big change....We received a "Good-bye" email from CB. WHUFU????

Hi and bye??? But with that final email from CB, came the notification that we would be working under MH.

I was happily surprised at that. I had met her recently, and thought she was a great person. Not to mention that a friend of mine has had her as a manager for a while now, and all he does is sing her praises.

So now....less than a week after this last major change, how are things going?

Well, personally I love the constant communication that MH gives us (meetings galore, and interaction with the team).

This was something that was sorely lacking with HB's "presidency", and completely non-existent in CB's month long......visit.

There are some process/work changes that are apparently going to have to be made, but I don't think it's anything that we can't handle. And tbh....they'll probably improve our support and communications to our end-users.

Let's see what the near future holds.

PDG

I have a Plan....

2009-03-18T21:15:00.002-03:00

It's a long term plan.

It's gonna take almost a year...I think.

My plan is to go back to Canada by the end of this year. And spend at least a couple of months there.

I have to take care of a shitload of things, like bills and stuff, before I can go.

And I have to figure out how to not lose my job by going.

But I've already started in on the Plan.

Y'see, I got hit with a really bad case of homesickness today.

Except for the 10 months that I lived in Canada in '05, I've been living here in Uruguay for almost 11 years.

Last night I was watching "The Listener". I didn't know it was filmed in Toronto. But then I saw the CN Tower, and I saw a hell of a lot of places that I remember. And I got nostalgic. It's not like I haven't seen images of TO before last night. Heck, I see TV shows and movies that are filmed over there all the time. But for some reason, last night got to me.

And today, all through the day, I couldn't stop thinking about Toronto, 'Sauga, and everything and everyone over there who I miss and care about.

True, my family is here. My son is here. But things are different now. And my move isn't going to be permanent.

So, I have a Plan. And it's already started. And if everything goes according to my Plan, I'll be in Canada by January of '10.

Wish me luck.

A dark apartment

2008-06-14T17:53:00.002-03:00

I'm sitting here in my apartment, and it's dark. Hence the title of this post.

My son's at a mechanical dinosaur expo with his mom and some friends, so I'm stuck here. In the dark and alone. Kinda bored.

I've finally got high-speed internet hooked up (after two fucking years!!!), so at least I'm online, and downloading like a madman.

Thursday was my birthday, my 33rd. It went by amazingly unnoticed, even by my family. The most memorable thing about it, which is kinda pathetic, was an automated Birthday greeting from Swiss Chalet. And since I don't live in Canada anymore, kinda sucks.

I need a new couch. My old couch, a 12 year old futon, is sitting in my living room right now. I think I'll go out on Monday and buy a new one. Maybe black.

I'll post a pic of it once I buy it.

Talk to me! Talk to you? Guess not...

2008-05-05T11:29:00.002-03:00

I just received 3 text messages from a friend of mine. And I sent her responses to each of those messages.

Once I finished writing the last one out I got to thinking. Have we become so used to non-verbal communication (which inevitably takes up more time than verbal) that we avoid talking to each other?

How much more difficult is it to pick up the phone and call a friend on their birthday, instead of texting her/him?

Is it really that much easier to send an IM to a colleague who doesn't sit too far away, instead of strolling by?

I understand that sometimes due to work we have to stay at our desks/posts/latrines, or for any other reason, but have we really gone so far as to eliminate sociability?

This depresses me a bit, especially since I do exactly all these things that I'm complaining about.

Granted I do prefer to pick up the phone or get up and away from my desk to talk to someone. I just feel that there's a better dialogue when you can look someone in the face, or listen to their voice. But I'm still guilty.

Online Social systems inevitably promote this state of affairs a bit, since it's wholly virtual, but they do it on a much more social level, and across all of the globe.

I just hope that we don't lose all of our contact. There's just something nicer about talking than texting.

This is actually difficult for me to remember...

2008-04-30T00:44:00.000-03:00

Not that I can't remember it, but that at times it hurts to remember all the things that I've been through with Gaby.

Now getting back to it....

We've been together since Late January. I was determined that I would make it work. If I had to teach her how to be a girlfriend, then so be it.

Our first date was a traditional one...Dinner and a movie. And if you were looking from the outside, it would have seemed as if two dead fish were dating. That's how cold it was. I'm talking arctic, frigid, ex-wife cold.

But I knew why she was like this. She had never dated anyone. So I let it pass. I just enjoyed her presence. Aside from being as warm as an ice cube, she's a great conversationalist, funny, smart as all holy hell, and seriously gorgeous.

Also, I do have to admit, I was on the rebound. Alejandra and I were over, even though the reasons were justified, and I was depressed. I wouldn't have gone for a hooker, but any kind of companionship was good for me.

So we kept dating. Her mom set ground rules for her, as if she were a 15 year old. She can't go to my place, all our dates have to be secret just in case someone that she know sees us, and she has a curfew!

Can you fucking believe it?????

Our second date actually broke all of these rules :D

She decided to come over to my place for dinner one evening, and after dinner we ended up watching a Laura Pausini concert on TV.

That's when I kissed her. Come'on! I wasn't going to be a cold carp forever!

It was her first kiss and I could tell. She didn't know what she was doing or even how to react.

Well, slowly but surely over the next few weeks we "practiced" kissing more. I felt as if I were 14 again.

Then things changed. She asked me to go dancing, because she wanted a more interesting environment where "she could feel me closer to her"

To be continued....

My head hurts and I'm moody

2008-04-24T14:04:00.001-03:00

My head is pounding. I wish they made Excedrin in one pound tablets :(

I'm gonna pick up my new glasses today, so that's a plus. But either way, I'll post again tomorrow and finish up my "Love woes with Pablo" story.

Pounding my head against my desk doesn't help, although watching my coffee cup jump up and down while I do it is funny.

My life is like swimming through molasses

2008-04-23T09:25:00.004-03:00

So what have I been up to these past 2 years?

Quick recap: I'm still breathing. I wake up every morning at more or less the same time, and go to sleep that night at different times each night. :D

But seriously...I've been working my ass off here at Sabre, trying to be the best that I can be. But, at the end of the day, if they could train a monkey to use a mouse, I'd be out of a job. heehehehehehe

I've been living in a moderate sized one bedroom apartment about 7 blocks away from Frankie, my son. My ex is still a huge pain in the ass, but we get along fairly well. I have almost no friends, so I don't go out all that much. I spend most of my nights watching TV or movies.

I absolutely adore Heroes, and can't wait for the 3rd season to start :D

How am I doing romantically? Well, that's a hell of a question.

Here's the rundown. I've had some very empty relationships where fucking was all that mattered. And I've had a couple of meaningful relationships.

I dated a girl named Patty for a couple of months back in '06, but that didn't turn out too well. She became a little obsessed and started stalking me. Going so far as to call my dad to try to get him to convince me to date her again after I had dumped her, and even showing up at my apartment dressed in high heels and an overcoat (and believe me, she ain't even cute. She's "baseball bat to the face ugly") I was kind of a moron and got back with her a couple of times (sometimes even I succumb to carnal temptation). But I dumped her again. She just doesn't get the idea of me spending time with my son.

After Patty I was alone for quite a while. Then one day, a longtime friend, Gaby, calls me to accompany her to a mutual friend's birthday party.

Well, I hadn't seen her in a couple of years, and when I saw her....oh boy. She was gorgeous. We talked all night and I thought we really hit it off.

A couple of weeks later, I asked her out. Dinner was great, and we had some great small talk.

But, and this is a big one, she didn't want to date me. Why? Well, apparently I'm ugly.

I know this, and so do many of the people who know me. I mean, I'm not road-kill, but I'm no Brad Pitt. Heck, I'd be happy to be Brad's ugly 2nd cousin.

But when a girl you like tells you that you're ugly, it's a kind of kick in the balls.

Either way, I was persistent. We kept seeing each other, in a very friendly manner, but nothing romantic or even sexual.

She started opening up to me, and let me in on her two biggest secrets: 1) She's a 30 year old virgin and 2) she's never dated anyone

I wasn't too surprised about the first one, but the second one knocked me out. I mean, even me with my nerd like high school life, managed to go out on a couple of dates.

Well, she told me that noone had ever lived up to her expectations of what a boyfriend should look like, so she never asked anyone out, and noone had asked her out, until me.

I was thinking "well yeah! If you think everyone's ugly, then noone's gonna go for a superficial person"

Even so, I kept trying. But after about 5 months I had to stop. She sent me a text message (can you freaking believe it?????) saying that she couldn't see me anymore, because even though I was a great guy, if I were a cell phone, she'd change my outer shell before she would even think about dating me seriously.

Well, even more ball kicking!

So I gave up on her, but I couldn't stop thinking about her.

In November of last year I started dating a girl from work, Alejandra. Seemed like a really nice girl. Gorgeous as all holy hell, and 24 years old. Me dating a 24 year old! heeeeeeheeeeee

Everything was going great the first week or so, but then she started getting pushy. She wanted me to move in with her within the month, marry her by November of this year and get her pregnant by December of this year. And to top it all off, she wanted me to cut all ties off from Frankie!!!

We dated all of 8 weeks and then I dumped her. I couldn't keep dating a woman who couldn't understand that I have a son, whom I love dearly, and want to spend time with.

So I spent about a month alone, and then Gaby called me. Saying that she missed me and that she had been a fool for focusing on my physical aspect. Saying that she wanted to give it another shot.

I was hesitant, but I caved.

So I've been dating Gaby since late January.

More tomorrow............

I'm back! For good!

2008-04-21T13:57:00.001-03:00

It's been a really long time, hasn't it? A lot has happened to me, to you, to everyone really.

And here we are, already almost halfway into a new year. 2008. Seems a little redundant to be restating the year, since we all know exactly what year it is, but it's my blog post, so I write what I like.

But if you start thinking about it, a new year brings a whole lot of things that many of us take for granted, but which nevertheless affect us in so many different ways...Birthdays, Anniversaries, Holidays, Vacations, Births, Deaths, New Jobs, New Homes, New Cars, New Lives, New faiths, New friends, New responsibilities, New loves, New families, New Hopes and Dreams....

We live all these things year in and year out, and each one is important in and of itself, but isn't it amazing how much we go through in just one year? Each of us alive for anywhere up to 70 odd years or so (hopefully) and each one of those years brings some or all of those events. And they leave their mark on us in such a way as to leave us branded.

Kind of brings an interesting image to mind, doesn't it? Cattle moving about in a herd. Branded so that owners can identify the ranch they belong to. But that's not at all how I ultimately see it. I see them more as life's tattoos. Each one a memorable time and place that we were part of. We think of each of these events in our past years, and remember how we were feeling when they happened. I think the same could be said of a significant tattoo for someone. You see it and everytime you do, you're transported back to how you felt, for better or for worse.

So here's to life's tattoos, and the many more to come. Each one meaningful and powerful in our lives.

Damn these 31 years!

2006-06-12T09:46:00.000-03:00

I know I haven't been updating, but I figured I owed it to the blogging community to blog today.

I'm 31 years old.

31.

Jeez.

No longer in the realm of even considering the possibility of the idea of being childish or foolish. Responsibilities abound and I must confront them.

Don't take me wrong, I've never been one to shy away from responsibilities, on the contrary, I've normally been one to face them head on.

But now, I can't consider childishness as part of my make-up.

I must let go of many things that I have held on to until now. My comic book collection will go to Frankie, definitively. My foolish desktop (showing Lex Luthor in the new Superman movie) will be replaced by a more somber one (no idea which one yet).

And I definitely have to do something about fixing up my life. I now have an extremely respectable job, money in the bank, I'm up to date on all my bills, and I've even bought myself new clothes. Love life? Nope.

Not long ago I wrote that I would deny myself a love life, then not long after that I was searching desperately.

Time to grow up.

No more stupidly Chasing Amy.

Time to face the fact that if it doesn't come to me, it doesn't come. But not to go nuts looking, and ruining myself and my heart for it.

So here I am 31 years old and what can I say that I have?

Alot, thankfully.

A wonderful son who loves me, and who I love more than I could ever imagine possible.

A family who loves me, even though they can be pains in the ass.

A great job, which I'm apparently doing well.

Great friends who care for me deeply.

And what else matters? Not much from my point of view.

Do I have material wealth? Nope, and don't really care.

So....Damn these 31 years? Nope. Thank God for them!

Live, laugh, love. No more can be done, and no more should be done.

My trip to Dallas Pt. 3--Reception

2006-05-29T15:38:00.000-03:00

I know it's been a while since I updated, but it's been tough with so much work, but I'll get to that.

Now, once I arrived at the Southlake offices of my new job, as can be expected, I was a little confused as to where to go. I had received instructions from my new boss, but even so, the campus is huuuuuuuuuge!

I arrived at the security gate and announced my arrival. The security there is absolutely amazing. It can not be compared with anything here in Uruguay (where we mostly have rent-a-cops, who aren't even paid all that much).

I had to wait for 25 minutes at the gatehouse just to be allowed in.

One of my new co-workers, Charles, came to get me from the gate house, and escorted me to a freaking party!

Apparently it was a spring bash with barbecues, wings, nachos, beer and margaritas for all of the employees.

Believe me when I say I drank my fill :D

I met all of my co-workers, and of course, my boss Keri. They treated me so well I was amazed.

After about 2 hours of mingling, eating, drinking and talking, one of my co-workers took me back to my hotel.

I was exhausted.

But, as I logged on to my new work email account, I found an email from my boss saying that I was invited to her house in the morning for a breakfast buffet and then to a Baseball game!

I was stoked!

And I slept.

Do you like my balls?

2006-05-14T16:43:00.000-03:00

I was just chatting with a friend, joking around a little, and she said she likes my balls!

Well, not directly, but she answered in the affirmative when I asked her if she did.

Hehehehe, someone likes my balls.

My trip to Dallas Pt. 2--Settling In

2006-05-14T11:20:00.000-03:00

The biggest problem I had when I arrived in Dallas, was the fact that I had never been here in my adult life, so I was floundering helpless.

I figured the best way to get around, since I didn't have a car (they had rented me a car, but my Uruguayan license is expired so they had to cancel the reservation) was to take a cab. Now many or all of you may not know that in Uruguay taxis are dirt cheap. No, really. DIRT CHEAP. You could travel from one end of Montevideo to the other and back and not spend more than 15 US dollars.

But here in Texas, cabs aren't cheap. I grabbed the first cab I could find once I left the Dallas/Ft. Worth Airport. To be honest it didn't look like a cab, it was a minivan. But beggars can't be chosers, so I got in and gave him the address of the hotel where I was registered. Now something else I didn't know was that the Airport and my hotel aren't in the same city!

Texas is so huge that I literally have to go through 3 cities before I can get to work. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

After about 20 minutes we arrived at the hotel, with a cab charge of U$S 38!!! HOLY FUCK!!!

But I didn't complain. I'm just not used to cab prices here.

The hotel is amazing.

It's an Amerisuites hotel in Irving, Texas.

After arriving at the Hotel and checking in, I had a few hours to myself before I had to be at the office for the official presentations, so I rested, organized my clothes and watched some TV.

I would have loved to get online and chat with someone, but I didn't have a computer.

After about 2 hours of utter boredom I decided to go to the Mall, just to do some window shopping. I ended up taking a cab to the Grapevine Mills mall. WHAT A MALL!!

It literally took me an hour just to walk through the whole thing. It's that big. I've been in big malls, I've been to the Edmonton mall, to Square One (the two largest malls in North America) but at least I was familiar with those. This one is big but I was totally unfamiliar with it.

I took these pics while walking through the mall.

After enjoying my little bout of window shopping I called another cab and headed off to the office for my first meeting with my bosses.

More to come....

My trip to Dallas Pt.1--The Trip

2006-05-13T21:17:00.000-03:00

Well, I'm back.

I've been in Dallas for the past 5 days, and I'm having a blast!

Well, let's review.

On Monday I went to Zonamerica for my orientation with the new company. That turned out to be really nice. Since the woman who hired me had told me to go along with my suitcases, I did.

Orientation, as may be evident to most, was a summary of the company we're working for, and a review of the benefits we're receiving, aside from our salaries. Since I had already signed up for my benefits in the 2 weeks prior to orientation, I already knew most of what they were telling us.

I met some nice and interesting people during orientation, including a girl that I had worked with at my previous place of employment. She was kind of surprised to see me there, but I wasn't surprised to see her, since I had seen her name on a listing of new employees for the company during my trip preparations.

At about 3:30 pm my father went to Zonamerica to pick me up, so that he could take me to the airport. He really wanted to bond, and I thought it was a nice gesture, so we were good to go.

We got to the airport and my mom was there waiting for us. She had taken the bus to get there. I thought it was nice of her to do that, even if we piss each other off daily.

You all might be thinking, what about Frankie?

Well I had literally spent the 2 weeks before my trip with him daily. We did pretty much everything together, and I would stay at his home until 11 pm every night, so that I could put him to sleep. You might think this would be awkward for me with F and her boyfriend there, but I really didn't care. I was focused on my boy. Although F's boyfriend seemed to be getting royally pissed off that I was there constantly.

I would have told him to shove it, but amazingly enough, F did it for me. She may be a deceitful, horrible woman, but she knows how much I love my son.

The airport proceedings were fairly standard. I didn't have a printed ticket, since it was electronic, so I had to give the ticket agent a confirmation number. But all told, it took me maybe 5 minutes to get my suitcase checked. I said goodbye to my parents and I was off.

My trip was fairly straightforward. Definitely a hell of a lot easier to go through than the trip from Montevideo to Toronto that I made last year. I was to go from Montevideo to Buenos Aires, and then from Buenos Aires to Dallas/Fort Worth.

The trip to Buenos Aires was simple as all holy hell, it only took us 28 minutes of flying time. But the wait in Argentina was horrible. 3 hours with nothing to do but read, and pace.

Finally I got on the plane. BTW I was traveling American Airlines all the way.

My seat was located fairly far in the back of the plane, but I saw that as a good sign. I would be the last person to any crash site, and believe me, noone wants to get to a crash site first.

Even better, I had noone sitting beside me, so I could stretch out all night and rest well.

The in-flight movie was Elizabethtown, which I had heard of, but had never wanted to see. I fell asleep halfway through it. Woke up about 10 minutes before they started serving breakfast.

On arrival in Dallas I obviously had to go through customs. The security is seriously beefed up here in the States. Ever since the horrible events of 9/11 I guess they've had to make sure that everything is kosher with the people that are coming into the country.

The people on the plane were either US citizens or not. Those who weren't had to go through a different line-up than the ones who were. And all of the non citizens, except for me, were photographed and digitally fingerprinted. You might ask why I wasn't. I'm not entirely sure, but it might be because I'm a Canadian citizen. The security officer checked my Canadian passport and let me through with nary a word.

Once I was through I went to pick up my suitcase. Now all I had to do was figure out how I was going to get to the Hotel.

More to come later..............

A pop of the head

2006-04-29T20:59:00.000-03:00

Well, preparations are going well.

I left my other job about a week and a half ago. So this past week I've been going about town getting my shit together for my trip.

Also, I've been spending a shitload of time with Frankie. I've got to take advantage of the fact that I've got a lot of free time. He and I have been playing like crazy.

On a more pissed off note, since I left my old job I've been waiting for my ass fucker boss to pay me what he owes me, in comissions as well as my monthly pay. Fucker still hasn't paid me!
So I've been trying to spend as little money as possible, but I'm leaving in a week, and I need to buy some stuff, definitely.

So until he pays me, I'm dimeless. (I always hated the phrase penniless).

Either way, I bought a sport coat, new shoes, some dress shirts, and personal hygiene stuff.

My trip is gonna be amazing. I'm leaving on the 8th, arriving in Dallas on the 9th, staying in an Amerisuites hotel, and coming back on the 20th. This is gonna be soo cool.

I'm just gonna miss Frankie, though, alot. But I have permission to call him every night.

So, I'll be back soon. With more updates on the Amanda & Pablo show :D (you guys guess who Amanda is)

I GOT IT!!!!!!!!!

2006-04-14T14:45:00.000-03:00

Well I'm happy as all holy hell!

Night before last I got a call at my mom's place, and I checked the messages! It was from Zonamerica. They wanted me to call them as soon as possible, even though it was 10:30 pm I still called. Ended up talking to the Human Resources Manager.

She had called to offer me the job!! :D

She explained all the benefits, the pay, and the trip.

I spent close to an hour with her on the phone, and she told me that I'd have to confirm via email the next day. Which I obviously did!

Now I just have to quit my other pathetic job.

Because I know how much of an ass my current boss is, I'm gonna have to bullshit him as to why I'm leaving, since if I tell him I'm leaving for a better job (which pays about double what he pays me) he might very well try and not pay me the money he owes me.

They say the best lies incorporate swatches of the truth in them, so I'm gonna go next week to him and tell him that I have to travel to the US (this is the truth). I'm gonna tell him that my father needs me to go with him on business for at least 2 months (the lie).

This covers my ass in several ways. I would be leaving for family obligations (so he can't say no), and the time period would mean that I can't come back to his offices.

So with my new job, I'm starting on May 8th, I have orientation at the Montevideo offices that morning, and that evening I'm travelling to Dallas, TX for 2 weeks for training. This is a huge opportunity for me!

I decided that I'm not going to be telling Frankie that I'm leaving, since it would probably drive him nuts. So, since I'm going to be able to call him every night, I'm just not going to tell him.

So, I've got about a week left in this dead-end job, and then I'm in preps for my trip :D

More frustration and my boy's sick :(

2006-04-10T15:55:00.000-03:00

Frankie has the flu and a slight fever.

That saddens me because he has to stay in bed constantly and not play like he loves to.

So, this morning at 7:45 am, F called me to go and take care of him for a few hours. Just until I would have to come to work.

I said no problem. There is no way that I'm not gonna be there for my boy when he needs me.

I was nervous about the call I would have to make to ZA. But I still packed up and went.

My boy was waiting for me there.

All we did, literally was watch movies and TV while he lay there in bed taking little naps, drinking water and me putting cold cloths on his forehead.

At about 9:30 I called ZA to talk to the HR Manager, who had called me.

MY FUCKING LUCK!!!!

She left for her vacation on Friday night!!! Now I'm even more pissed off at my mom!

Either way I left messages on her cell phone and her work message service, as well as her secretary. I sure hope I haven't lost my opportunity to get out of this shithole. If I did, I'll never forgive my mom.

So here I am at work now. Checking my mom's answering service every 20 mins. Just in case.

Cause I soooooo want to get out of here.

I'm sooooo fucking pissed at my mom!

2006-04-07T23:40:00.000-03:00

My mom called me at work tonight.

It was amazing news that she had for me. They called me from ZA already, but I'm not sure why!

Apparently they left a message on her service yesterday, and she just got the message today. So she calls me at work at 7:30 so that I can call them. And no fucking way am I gonna call them from here!

I'm gonna have to wait until Monday morning to call. But it pisses me off sooooo fucking much! Why didn't she check her messages earlier!!!!?????

ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

What an amazing opportunity

2006-04-07T16:40:00.000-03:00

I went to the job interview on Wednesday, and it went amazingly well!

I got there about 20 minutes early, just in case. My father always said, better to be an hour early than a minute late for anything.

I waited a few minutes, and then lo and behold I see one of my best friends, Martin (aka Magnus).

We chatted for a few minutes, laughing and generally catching up. And then my interviewer showed up. Apparently, my chatting with a friend caused a good impression.

The interview went great. I started chatting with her about my work and life experience, when she interrupted me and said that she wanted to get her colleagues in on it via telephone conference. No problem with me :D

Between all three of them they explained the job position to me. Basically I'd be general manager of an entire department.

They asked me some pretty in-depth questions as to how I would deal with certain situations. Then they did something unexpected.

They pulled out an itinerary for a trip to Dallas, Texas!

If I get the job they're going to be sending me to Texas for two weeks for my training. Everything Paid!

They're going to be giving me a laptop, phone, access stuff and ID's. And they're taking me to a baseball game!!!!!!

Wow, I was soooo shocked.

Personally I think the interview went amazingly well, and I think I got it, but they did tell me that they would be contacting me next week with the confirmation or denial.

I do hope they call!

Old McDonald had a farm...with a huge pool

2006-04-04T11:40:00.000-03:00

Frankie and I went swimming on Saturday.

We had an absolute blast. To be honest that's the first time we've gone swimming in at least 2 years. And he took to it just like his old man!

I used to be an avid swimmer in my youth. Oh woe is me, my days of youth are long past! When I was in High School, I was part of the Swim Team. I was actually really good, since I could hold my breath for the 50m freestyle swim, gaining a second or two that everyone else would lose during the race.

My son apparently loves the water too! When we got there he was hyped and just jumped in, luckily I was already in the water, because we would have had problems since he didn't have his floater on yet.

We put his floater on, and he just started jumping in and out, no fear! He also let go of me at one point and just started trying to kick his way through the water, but he was vertical. I finally told him to make as if he were flying, and he got the hang of it.

We were dead tired by the time we were finished. I took him to his home and I went home as well.

I had planned to meet up with Alejandra, but that fizzled out. Apparently she had to take care of her kids. I don't mind that at all.

So I just slept Saturday night.

Sunday morning, I woke up to the phone ringing. It was Frankie :D

He wanted me to go pick him up and take him to the zoo.

So that's exactly what I did!

It was open this time, thankfully, and we had a great time. The zoo here isn't huge, but it has a nice variety of animals. Lions, tigers, jaguars, pumas, an elephant, hyenas, monkeys, birds, even some seals. We had a great time, and Frankie especially loved the Lion and the seals.

He kept imitating them all through our visit.

I had a seriously great time with him.

On another note, I got the call from Zonamerica. They actually called on Friday, but my mom gave me the message on Sunday.

So yesterday morning, I called, and I've got the interview with the Texans tomorrow at 2pm.

I'm gonna call in sick here at work, so that I won't miss this incredible opportunity.

Wish me luck!

Everything got Fucked up at work

2006-03-31T22:29:00.000-03:00

It was a shitstorm today.

A co-worker resigned!

Sasha, a very pleasing lady, decided to resign today because of a lack of job security.

While working on our sales, our Database decided to die on us, so our boss switched us over to another campaign focused on Mortgages.

This is a seriously shitty campaign to work with. And believe me I tried my best.

But, no training, no practice, hell not even a good pitch to try to get leads!

So after a few hours of working on this campaign, the office supervisor, Shirley, called us into her office.

Apparently she was displeased with the lack of enthusiasm with which we were facing this campaign.

No shit Sherlock! We were pissed off!

Well, Sasha was pissed off enough to decide that she had had enough of foolishness here at work. Our lead database gets shittier and shittier every day, there is no movement to improve the work area, as was promised a month ago, and now they get pissed off because we're not enthusiastic about a switch of campaigns, without training???

She said "I resign" and walked out.

I applaud her, honestly I do. And if I had had confirmation from Zonamerica about that job, I would have walked out with her.

I wish Sasha all the best in her future endeavours and hope she finds what she's looking for in work and life.

A blast from the past

2006-03-30T18:21:00.000-03:00

I got an MSN message today from an unexpected person.

A woman I knew, Alejandra, MSN'd me today. Alejandra and I knew each other about 3 years ago.

My marriage was on severe rocks, I was severely depressed, and she was a good friend. Her marriage was also on the rocks, and I figure I was a form of support for her at that time.

Did we have a romantic relationship? No, not really. We tried having a sexual one, but that didn't work all that well either. So we just stayed friends.

The last time I talked to her was about 2 months before I left Uruguay last year. About a month before that last conversation she admitted to me that she was in love with me, and wanted to pursue a romantic and sexual relationship with me.

At the time I was seriously fucked up in the head because of F. So I turned her down. Then came our last conversation. I wanted her to know that I still considered her a close friend, and she pretty much told me to fuck off. I didn't blame her, but it did hurt.

We hadn't talked at all since I got back, I didn't even have her number, but she was on my MSN list.

Then a message from her appears. We chatted for a while, catching up. And apparently she's still interested in me!

Will this work? Will I even try?

I don't know, but I guess I owe it to myself to try.

The last time I was confused about F, now I'm not confused.

I'm not in a relationship with Betty, at all. She's history. And I have no possibilities with Veronica. So why not?

I think I'll call her tomorrow.

Waiting and waiting

2006-03-28T16:24:00.000-03:00

Well I'm still waiting for Zonamerica to call.

The situation here at work is getting unbearable.

It's not so much who I'm working with, but the work situation is getting extremely difficult to bear with. Our leads for sales are being reduced in quantity, which means that we'll have less sales each day. I was hoping to reach 61 sales, so I could have 4% in comissions, but right now I'm just hoping that I'll reach 41!

So hopefully Zonamerica will call and offer me that fucking job!!!!

On another note, I talked to Frankie this morning, he was sick. So he won't be going to school until he gets better.

It's a bummer, but it happens.

Yesterday kerflutzed

2006-03-27T19:08:00.000-03:00

I spent yesterday with Frankie.

I had promised him we'd go to the Zoo, and I took him there.

But once we got there the doors were shut. It was fucking closed!!!

Apparently because of some municipal elections, they had closed down all official buildings and centers, including the Zoo.

Frankie was sooo bummed out, but I was even more bummed out. I actually cried my head off, because I had promised him. He hugged me and said "Don't cry Papa, we can go to the Park"

Which we did.

It was fun, and then we went to my mom's place so Frankie could spend some time with her.

On another note, my dad and I went to Atlantida yesterday, where he has his summer home.

It's no longer summer here, but we had a nice barbecue and talked a bit.

We would have loved to take Frankie, but when we went to pick him up, he was already eating a barbecue and would soon take his nap.

Either way it was a nice time.

PAID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-03-24T22:07:00.000-03:00

Well, I got paid my comissions and I'm going to F's house to pay her.

You have no idea how giddy I am!

Finally to be economically free of that @&$E@#$@#

SHIT FUCK! It had better happen!

2006-03-24T16:03:00.000-03:00

Ok, today's been on and off.

This morning I had an interview at Zonamerica. That's the Free Zone here, for a company called Sabre.

If I get the job that they're offering, I'd be making more money, and I'd get more benefits. This was apparently a preliminary interview. There had been 700 people on the first list, then it was cut down to 6. We 6 were given a questionnaire to answer, which we did. Of the 6 of us, I'm the only one with Call Center experience, and the only one with native English.

I think I'll do fairly well :D

Well, on another note. I'm sooooooo fucking screwed today if they don't pay my comissions!

F is supposed to come by today to pick up her money, and if they don't pay, I'm seriously screwed.

Hopefully it'll happen.

I hate being in hock to my ex.

This is turning out to be a weird day

2006-03-23T16:58:00.000-03:00

I took Frankie to school today. It was horrible!

He cried so much I felt as if my heart were breaking. He kept saying "Don't go to work Papa, please don't go!"

I finally figured out that he was scared that I was going to go back to Canada to work. My poor baby boy is scared that I'll leave him again.

I reassured him that I wouldn't and he felt better.

After that I met with F and we went to talk to the school psychologist. We explained our situation, and we explained all the problems Frankie's been having because of it. We were able to get alot of things straight thanks to that meeting.

After that I got to work and found my boss sitting on a desk in front of the office. Apparently he was waiting for one of my co-workers.

Once that co-worker arrived (15 mins late), my boss went up to him and fired him. Apparently this guy is constantly late, and my boss had had it with him.

Personally I think my boss went overboard, but it's his company.

Luckily I never get here late, to be honest, I'm usually about an hour early every day.

This old life of mine...

2006-03-22T14:20:00.000-03:00

Well, F lent me money last night.

A total of U$S 36. I'll have to pay this back with my comissions as well as more money I owe to her for Frankie's schooling.

With the money that F lent me I paid off the stupid $800 (eight hundred mother fucking uruguayan pesos) that I owed. That was a relief, but now I have to think about paying F back. Oh well, when that happens I'll be happier.

On another note, my boss eliminated Internet and MSN Access for our cubicles. This was done, apparently because one of the workers was checking out too much porn and chating with her friends all the time!!

That pisses me off, but Boss man does whatever he wants.

Well, off to work, hopefully I'll take Frankie to school tomorrow.

Don't try this at home!

2006-03-21T21:19:00.000-03:00

I did something just now that I'm sure I'll regret for the rest of my life.

I asked F for a loan.

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Knowing her, she'll hold it over me for the rest of my life.

I was supposed to get paid my comissions today. But of course I'm me, so of course I didn't. My boss got into a fight with his secretary, and she stormed out with the comissions. He promised us that we're gonna get paid tomorrow, but I have to pay my grandmother and my mother tonight, and no excuses will serve.

I pondered and pondered, and suffered, and suffered some more. Then I called the only person that I know, who has money, and who wouldn't ask questions, and who isn't my family (anymore). I have a couple of friends, who would gladly lend me the money, but they don't have any to lend. And besides, I need the money by the time I get home, cause if not, I ain't sleeping at home.

So I called her.

And believe me it was the last thing I wanted to do.

I already owe her money for Frankie's school payments, but that is justifiable. This, I'm sorry to say is not.

FUCK!

So, after work, I'm going over to her place to pick up the money. And it's a stupid measly 800 pesos, which translates to U$S 34, approximately. Stupid motherfucking money. At least I get the benefit of seeing my son again for a couple of minutes. I love seeing my son, but asking F for money but believe me, I didn't want to do that.

Wish me luck.

Trying to get through the month

2006-03-21T14:34:00.000-03:00

I was supposed to be paid my comissions yesterday. I'm kinda pissed that I wasn't.

There are a shitload of things I have to pay, and those damned U$S 272 will really help me out, but if my boss doesn't pay me, I can't pay my debts.

I owe F for Frankie's school costs, I owe my grandmother (who came back from Canada on Saturday). I owe my mom, and I owe two colleagues.

I'm still not sure how I should move forward, workwise I mean.

The job is great, the people are really nice here, and the ambiance is really good, aside from the damned moron sitting next to me. But this payment thing really has me considering.

You see, I was interviewed for a job at Zonamerica last month. They pay U$S 550 minimum, for people with English skills and Call center experience. But I didn't take it because I saw an incredible earning potential here. For February (being a very lazy ass) between Salary and Comissions, I made a total of U$S 492.

That means that this month, busting some ass, I should be able to reach U$S 600 easily. But the boss is slow on paying us. At Zonamerica, I would be a drone, so to speak, working a 9-5 job, but I'd get paid on time, every month, without hesitations.

It truly makes me consider my working situation.

He'd better pay us today, 'cause I really need that money. Or else I won't be able to go home tonight!

That's how pissed my grandmother would be.

I know, I know, money problems always arise with me and her. I think it's an immutable law of the universe.

ARRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Does anyone know the number for an assasin?

2006-03-14T19:52:00.000-03:00

I'm really getting fed up with the moron sitting beside me.

She keeps saying the stupidest things, and the worst part is, she has no idea how stupid they are.

It's very tiresome, and annoying. I'm actually considering leaving this job because of the need to work with this damned bitch.

Vampirella, in Canada, had nothing on this idiot.

FUCK!

A history of the women I've cared for

2006-03-13T16:33:00.000-03:00

I was reminiscing the other day about the women that I've cared for in my life.

It's a pretty damned long list.

You see, I fall in "like" easily, falling in love is a little tougher. To be honest I've only ever loved three women in my life.

So as I thought to myself how many women I've cared for, I also thought that it would make for an interesting, and long, post.

To protect the innocent, I will only give their first names with their last name's initial.

LIKES
Janet N.
Jessica F.
Ana L.
Danita V.
Anne F.
Amanda M.
Filomena Z.
Pauline B.
Sabrina S.
Andrea B.
Magdalena D.
Leslie F.
Nancy N.
Maria Angelica F.
Lisa R.
Sally M.
Tanya P.

LOVES
Tania M.
Fabiana M.
Amanda S.

Please take into account that the girls I liked did not necessarily like me back. And to be honest, I never dated any girl until I started dating my first love Tania M.

I hope to love again, I hope to like again. But who knows.

I feel like I wanna break something!

2006-03-09T20:17:00.000-02:00

I just got back from my break, and coming up in the elevator was the bane of my existence.

My ex-wife's boyfriend. ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

I just feel sooooooo fucking frustrated. There he was alone, and all I wanted to do was rip his throat out. All I could do was say hi, and talk to him about how my son was doing.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wish I could talk to Cowgirl about it, but she won't be on until later.

I just feel sooooo damned useless.

A new school for my progeny, and other stuff

2006-03-07T20:17:00.000-02:00

Frankie is starting a new school tomorrow.

It's called Colegio Santa Maria. He's got a wonderful little red overcoat uniform. F and I went to the parent's meeting today. It was a nice little get-together so that we could meet the children's teachers.

Frankie is going to have a heck of a lot of fun. I'm taking him tomorrow, but because of my work schedule I won't be able to pick him up.

In other news. The calculation's for this month's salary and comissions came in. For February I was able to achieve 42 sales giving me a total of U$S 272 in comission, more than doubling my salary. So I've been leaping for joy :D

Since my grandma is in Canada, my grandfather and I are on our own. At least until the end of the month. We've been getting along fairly well, no serious outbursts, nothing new there. But until my grandma gets back, my apartment search is on hold. I just don't feel comfortable leaving my grandpa alone for now.

More of an update post, I know. But still a post.

Being devilish ... bwahahahahahahahahaha!

2006-03-03T17:12:00.000-02:00

I'm seriously bored at work today.

Not just your regular lazy-day boredom, but serious staring at how my armhair grows boredom.

So I decided to be a little devilish and play a slight prank on Vampirella Jr. (as you may recall, Vampirella was a serious bitch in Canada who worked with me, well, Vampirella Jr [VJ for short] is a seriously stupid ass bitch who works with me here in Uruguay).

Just to screw around with her a bit, I've been signing in with her MSN login everytime she logs in. She uses a very standard numeric password, so it's extremely easy.

I know I shouldn't, but it's fun as all holy hell. HEHEHEHEHE!

Well, if anyone knows of any other ways to eliminate my boredom, please do tell.

My soul....hmmmmm

2006-03-01T20:09:00.000-02:00

You Are a Newborn Soul

You are tolerant, accepting, and willing to give anyone a chance.
On the flip side, you're easy to read and easily influenced by others.
You have a fresh perspective on life, and you can be very creative.
Noconformist and nontraditional, you've never met anyone who's like you.

Inventive and artistic, you like to be a trendsetter.
You have an upbeat spirit and you like almost everything.
You make friends easily and often have long standing friendships.
Implusive and trusting, you fall in love a little too easily.

Souls you are most compatible with: Bright Star Soul and Dreaming Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

A choice I've made

2006-03-01T16:02:00.000-02:00

I was inspired by a regrettably short conversation I had with my best friend Cowgirl last night.

I've made a choice.

I'm going to break it off with Betty.

Why am I going to do this you may ask?

Simple, or maybe not so simple. I want to be with someone who desires to be with me. I want to be with someone who isn't hesitant about our relationship. I want to be with someone who isn't bothered by the fact that I may be 2 years younger or older than she is (in Betty's case, I'm two years younger, which in my opinion is nothing), someone who won't want to leave me if I've grown a goatee.

This does not mean that I am going for Veronica. To be honest, I don't even know if I have a chance with her. But it does mean that I will try to find someone who is right for me. Someone who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with her.

This is a simple matter of me looking for what I truly want, and not conforming to what comes at me first. Is this a selfish point of view? Perhaps, perhaps not. But aren't we all selfish when it comes to looking for love?

Once we're in love, and in a relationship, then the selfishness ends. Must end. But up until then, we search for the person we want to be with, not just the first one that shows up.

I guess I'll have to search for a while.

This weekend sucked ass!

2006-02-27T17:57:00.000-02:00

The first part of Saturday was nice. Fabiana called me and asked me if I wanted to go with her and Frankie to pick up his school uniform. Of course I said yes.

I met them downtown, which is only about 5 blocks from where I work. There we went into the shop where they sell his school uniform. It's a gorgeous outfit. There's a dark red overcoat (actually thinner than an overcoat, here it's called a Tunica). And under that he wears a sports outfit. Blue and white track pants with a t-shirt of the same colour.

He seemed to like his uniform. I thought it was gorgeous.

After that we went for a walk on the main street of Montevideo, 18 de Julio. Frankie was in the mood for Hot Dogs, so we went to a restaurant that specializes in Hot Dogs. Frankie ate 4.

Finally Fabiana told me that Frankie wanted to spend the day with me and possibly the night. I loved the idea, so I told her of course. I took Frankie to my grandparent's place, and there I found Hell on Earth.

My Grandmother is having problems with her bank account in Canada (my suspicion is that the problem that has arisen is that my uncle has emptied her bank account). So she's travelling to Canada today to try and fix whatever happened. The problem is that both my Grandmother and Grandfather were fighting like mad dogs.

I didn't like the idea of Frankie being in that environment. So later that night I took him back to his Mom's place. I seriously wanted to stay with Frankie, and we had had a nice day together. Went to McDonald's, went to the park, also went for a walk on the beach. Very nice, and he loved it. But I took him to his home. And that's when my night went to shit.

After I dropped Frankie off at home, I got a call from one of my work mates, Bert. He wanted to go for some beer and pool. I thought it was a great idea, but I didn't want to spend too much money, since I had just gotten paid, and I need to pay some bills.

I have no idea, to be honest, what happened, but we got sooooo drunk. Too much beer. Next thing I know we're at this whore-house. Bert wanted to get laid. I just wanted to go to sleep. So while he was waiting for the next available hooker, we kept drinking.

It was a total fuck up. I spent all of my money that night!

I'm so fucking pissed at myself for being such an idiot.

Shit.

I got home at noon on Sunday, with a serious fucking hangover, and almost no money. And my grandparents were still fighting.

I slept for about 7 hours, and woke up with a worse hangover. Took a shower, and popped some Tylenol.

I'm still pissed at myself. It's not like I blew thousands of dollars, it was U$S70. But still, here in Uruguay, that's some nice change. And I blew it all on beer and pool. Not even a shitty ass hooker.

Shit.

Target Sales

2006-02-23T15:30:00.000-02:00

I have to try to make 3 sales a day.

That's what my boss told me yesterday in a meeting. 3 sales per day is the objective, and we've been averaging 1 or 2 sales per day.

The campaign we're working on is sales for an online pharmaceutical company in the US. My first 9 days on the job I made 19 sales, and considering that I had never worked in telemarketing before, that was a pretty decent level. But, as of yesterday I've only made 27 sales.

Why haven't I made our target sales? I could blame the annoying bitch who sits next to me, to whom I had to explain 5 times (YES! 5 times!!!) how to use the mouse. I could blame the shitty database we have, which is already repeating names. I could blame my constant preocupation with finding a new place to live. But, no I won't. I'm to blame, noone else. I've been slacking. I have to admit that to myself and here, even if I won't admit it anywhere else. Instead of pushing the sales, I've been lazy. I guess I don't feel comfortable selling.

I know the psychology of sales fairly well, and I'm fairly convincing with people. But even so I haven't really been trying.

So last night after getting home. I lay in bed for maybe 2 hours just staring at the ceiling. I focused my mind, and told myself that today I will be making 7 sales, and that will be my minimum for the last few days of this month.

This is not a goal, this is a fact.

I will leave aside my laziness, my lack of focus, and make these 7 sales per day, so that my boss will know that I can do this. I will do this.

There is no doubt in my mind.

Everything costs money...

2006-02-23T00:37:00.000-02:00

How could we ever survive without some form of currency these days?

This question pops into my head constantly these days since I ran out of cash. I got paid last about a week and a half ago the days that I worked in January, which weren't many. But the money is already gone.

I spent most of it last Saturday with Frankie (and didn't mind doing that one bit). I also spent quite a bit on my Saturday night date with Betty, which did leave me thinking as to why.

But since Monday I've been out of cash, and trying to survive without it. It's not an extremely difficult task for me, since food and board are provided to me by my grandmother. But transport is troublesome without money.

Luckily my grandparent's place is only about 20 blocks from my workplace, so I walk to and fro.

But still, if I wanted to buy a Coke, for example, it would be out of my league. Or even a bag of chips for that matter.

So I started thinking, how would we ever survive in this world without some form of currency, hard cash. Would we slip back to the days of bartering? Would we fall into anarchistic tendencies, taking whatever we needed from wherever we found it? This may seem a little extreme, but it makes you wonder.

Consider this...The basic necessities of life are Food, a roof over our heads and clothes. Someone to share this with is obviously desired, but not an absolute necessity. But to get all of these basic necessities in today's society, requires money. So does that make money a more important necessity than food?

We need money to survive. We need money to thrive. We need money, period.

Every one of us works with the supposition that we do so so that we will be able to provide ourselves or our families with those basic necessities, but in reality, we're working to achieve the economic possibility of providing those basic necessities. Money comes first.

I have a friend here at work who currently has no family. He's living in a low budget boarding house, where he lives with 4 other guys in one single room. If, God forbid, he didn't have money to pay for his food and boarding, he wouldn't have the support that I do. He doesn't have a grandmother who will have a hot plate of food waiting for him everytime he gets home. If he doesn't have the money to pay for his boarding, he won't have a place to sleep. This makes the necessity of money all the more important for him.

So, how could we survive? Many people obviously do. But it would be through tremendous hardship.

I don't know if I'm strong enough to survive that way. And that's a scary thought.

Enjoying Frankie & Carnaval!

2006-02-20T21:33:00.000-02:00

What a great time I had on Saturday!

Seriously, Saturday was an amazing time for me.

I decided to go pick Frankie up in the morning and take him to the mall. We went for breakfast at McDonald's, I had an Egg McMuffin, while Frankie had Hotcakes with strawberry syrup on them.

Then we went shopping for a couple of toys that I had promised him. He inevitably picks the same toys, so I had to convince him to buy something different. He ended up buying a Spider-Man web shooter glove, and a figure of the Green Goblin. His face was such a wonderful thing to see. Happy and full of joy :D

I asked him at that point what he wanted to do, and he said "Papa let's go see a movie". I was all for that, so I took him to see The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. What an amazing movie!

The story itself is much more for a young adult audience, than a 3 and a half year old child, but Frankie followed the movie perfectly, enjoying it every step of the way. I highly recommend this movie to adults and children alike.

After the movie, Frankie was getting tired, so I took him back home, and he went to take a nap.

I went back to my grandparent's place (couldn't move to a new place that I had found for several foolish and annoying reasons, so I'm still looking) and decided to take a nap myself. I wasn't in bed for more than 10 minutes when the telephone rang. It was Betty (my gf, so to speak, although we haven't defined our relationship in the least).

She called to invite me to a Tablado. Some of you might be wondering, what the heck is that? Well let me give you a breakdown.

During the end of summer season, here in Uruguay, there is a festivity called Carnaval which is the second largest carnival celebration in the world after the Brazilian celebration. The celebration takes place for nearly the entire month before the period of Lent in Uruguay. There are parades, bands, comedians, and costumes consuming the streets at all hours.

There are many different theories of when and where the celebration Carnival originated. The most well known was in Iraq. Iraq had a five-day ritual for the Momo king. The roles of society were switched and one of the lowest members of society would become king for five days. He would then be killed and the people were liberated from all evil. Christian culture has since adapted rituals that occurred before Lent and all of Europe celebrated some type of Carnival big or small. Carnaval in Uruguay is a very important part of the black population, which is very significant. Around the early 1900’s Candombe music, which was created by black slaves in Uruguay became part of the celebration.

Today Carnaval in Uruguay specifically Montevideo month long party. This party is initiated by 2 parades, 1 called El Desfile de Carnaval (The Carnaval Parade) and another called El Desfile de las Llamadas (The Calling Parade). The entire city shuts down for the entire week before the forty days of Lent. Almost 300,000 citizens of Uruguay flock to the capital city to become a part of the tradition every year.

After these 2 parades, there are daily presentations of groups and bands that have performed in each of the parades. These daily presentations are called Tablados (literally meaning Stages, which is where the groups and bands perform). There are several of these groups, these being: Murgas, Comparsas, Lubolos, Humoristas, Parodistas, and Revistas. What you find most at these Tablados are Murgas and Comparsas.

Normally both are musical groups, with strong social and political criticism in their songs. As well as incredible humour. This is not slapstick humour where a pie in the face will make you laugh your ass off, this is political, social, parodist humour.

Saturday night was the first time I had gone to one of these in 20 years. And to be honest, I barely remember the last time.

I quite literally laughed all night, until 3 am, when the show ended. It was absolutely amazing, and I am definitely going to repeat the experience.

After the show, I went to Betty's place, where we talked for a while, and then we went to bed. Literally.

I still don't really know what to think of this woman. I'm attracted to her, but not amazingly attracted, like I am to Veronica. Is it wrong of me to have sex with her when I'm more attracted to another woman?

Am I cheating on Betty just by being attracted to Veronica?

I really don't know. But at least I had fun this weekend :)

An overwhelming feeling of being in an oven...

2006-02-17T17:59:00.000-02:00

The heat here is overbearing.

Temperature wise it's not that hot for a Uruguayan summer, only 32º C, but the humidity is at 98% and that's just killer.

I decided to walk to work today, to save on the bus fare, but also to get a bit of excercise. Boy o boy, was that a bad idea!

5 minutes after I left my grandparent's I was drenched in sweat, and considering that it's about a 25 minute walk to work, I was seriously soaked.

The walk over is a nice one, especially on a nice sunny day like this one, but the humidity ruins the enjoyment.

Arriving at work, at the very least there was a nice breeze, which helped. But once I got into the office, holy shit!

It felt at least 5º hotter in the office than it did outside.

Now, here I am sitting in front of my computer, trying to get some sales (I wanna get at least 4 more sales today before I leave), and talking to Veronica.

I just hope I don't melt away before my shift ends.

My heart as it seems to be...

2006-02-15T18:17:00.000-02:00

Love is a many splendoured thing, especially for those who are in love.

We walk through our lives with only one hope. To enjoy the company of someone who enjoy's our company. Granted, there are some people in the world who want to be alone, but it is my firm belief that this desire for solitude, is born out of harshness lived. I may be wrong, and I may not be.

I currently find myself in an interesting situation. For the past two or three weeks I have been dating a woman I met here in Uruguay. We get along fairly well, and the sex is good (yes, I'm actually having sex, hell hath frozen over). But I've become attracted to a woman at work. She's a few years younger than I am, and we're just getting to know each other, so I don't know where it could lead, if anywhere. But confusion abounds.

I cannot in all honesty say that I am in love, with either one. That would be foolish of me. But the attraction I feel for the woman at work, whom I will call Veronica, is quite strong. And to be honest, it is a different kind of attraction than what I feel for the woman I've been dating (let's call her Betty).

(I seem to be following a strange Archie Comics theme here)

With Betty, the attraction is solely physical. While with Veronica, I don't know what kind of attraction it is, since I'm just getting to know her.

I'm on the horns of a dillemna. And as my father would say "Watch how you sit on them".

Any thoughts out there?

Either way, I figure the best way to understand love, and the possibility of falling in love again is to know more about how I love. So following the desire to learn more about myself in the matter of love, I followed the suggestion of a friend, and went to Blogthings and decided to find out what my Candy Heart would say. I wasn't too surprised.

Now I leave it for all of you to see.

Your Candy Heart Says "First Kiss"

You're a true romantic who brings an innocent hope to each new relationship.You see the good in every person you date, and you relish each step of falling in love.
Your ideal Valentine's Day date: a romantic dinner your sweetie cooks for you
Your flirting style: friendly and sweet
What turns you off: cynics who don't believe in romance
Why you're hot: you always keep the romance alive

What Does Your Candy Heart Say?

Happy Valentine's Day to all!

2006-02-14T18:19:00.000-02:00

I leave you all with a wonderful quote I found earlier this morning.

It pretty much sums up what I feel regarding love.

"Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it."
--Unknown

My Resolution

2006-02-13T16:12:00.000-02:00

And it's a good one.

I know that at the very least one person will be happy!

I've decided that beginning today, and with this post, I will be updating and posting in my blog at the very least once every 2 days.

I miss my blog. I used to post in here daily if not more. But since I arrived in Uruguay, I've been lax with my blog. My best friend has pointed this out to me on several different occasions.

The reasons as to the lack of posts are simple. While I was in Canada, I was inspired. I had things happening to me daily that garnered my creativity in my posts.

Since I arrived here in Uruguay, my life has been rutinary, boring, even depressing. Which has not inspired me to write in my blog.

But now. Even if I have no inspiration, I will seek it out. (And just to keep those of you who actually read my blog interested, I do have some points of inspiration ;-) )

You will be enthralled, you will be amazed, you will be appalled at times as well, but you will be reading me again!

Enjoy!

A miniscule update

2006-01-16T11:34:00.000-02:00

Hey all.

Haven't blogged for awhile. There is good reason for that.

First of all Happy New year to all. Hope you enjoyed the end of 2005 and beginning of 2006.

There hasn't been much to blog about, since my life has become a routine of looking for work and not finding it, living with my grandmother and seeing Frankie a couple of times a week.

This last week was really tough since I hadn't seen Frankie at all. I've been helping my grandmother fix the new house she bought, in which I will hopefully not live if I can find work again.

Luckily I made some time yesterday to go pick up Frankie and spend the day with him. Since it's been raining cats and dogs here for a whole week (the weather is seriously fucked up) I took him to one of the malls in Montevideo. Specifically Montevideo Shopping Center (I know, really original name, but it was the first mall to open up here in 1993). While there I took him to McDonald's and he spent at least 4 hours playing in the play area. He had a great time.

I then decided to take him to see a movie. Originally we were going to see The Chronicles of Narnia, but then he saw the poster for Valiant and chose that.

It was a great little movie, about the Carrier Pidgeon service during WWII. Apparently based on true facts, but obviously from the pidgeon perspective. Frankie loved it.

I then took him back to his home and made my way back to my grandma's place.

We had a seriously great time together.

This whole non-work situation has my nerves wracked. I just can't believe I can't get a job. I think I'm going nuts.

I've sent literally dozens of resumés out, but no responses, and that sucks. I'm well qualified for pretty much anything and yet I can't find work. My parents think that I'm over-qualified for work here, since I've worked at IBM, as an English teacher, at an Embassy, at a Call center, as well as other jobs.

I swore yesterday on the bus going home that I am going to find work this week, and find a place to live next week. I HAVE TO!

But everything I want to do depends on my finding work first.

Damn that!

I want to do sooooooo much, but until I find work I can't.

The only thing I can do is not lose hope.

Shit holing fucking money sucks!

2005-12-21T20:03:00.000-02:00

Well, guess things are worse than I thought.

Moving in with my grandmother, because I now have no place to live.

And to top it all off, I have just used my last few coins to come to the cyber cafe to send a couple of emails and blog.

I don't know when I'll be back again, but I hope it'll be soon.

Money's non-existant, and I'm gonna have to ask my parents for money to pay for Frankie's Christmas present.

I don't want to be a downer for everyone though. I seriously hope you all have a great Christmas, Hanukkah, whatever. And a great New Year.

Love to all.

My sexy name????

2005-12-21T14:06:00.000-02:00

Try it!

Which Superhero are you?

2005-12-21T13:48:00.000-02:00

I found this on the Superman Homepage, and decided to take it.

Your results:
You are Superman

Superman		85%
Robin		77%
Spider-Man		70%
Green Lantern		65%
Hulk		60%
Supergirl		55%
The Flash		55%
Catwoman		50%
Batman		35%
Wonder Woman		25%
Iron Man		25%

You are mild-mannered, good,
strong and you love to help others.

Click here to take the "Which Superhero are you?" quiz...

This kind of fits perfectly with me!!! :D
Try it and find out!

After a long wait, I'm back, with a non-death in the family!

2005-12-20T11:07:00.000-02:00

Have you waited for me? I don't know, maybe.

But as my best friend pointed out to me, not 10 minutes ago, to write in this blog I must write in this blog, to write about "what's in my head, no matter what".

Where to begin, oh where to begin??

Let's start with my life.

Unfortunately I lost my job, this sucks serious bananas. Moron bosses didn't want to pay me what was agreed upon, and they wanted to withold the money either way, so I told them to find someone else. Now I'm looking like crazy, because if I don't find a job very very very soon, I'm gonna have to live with my grandmother (OH GOD, not again!!!!!).

Frankie and I are having a great time together. He's such a smart kid. Day before yesterday, he and I were playing in front of my parents summer house, when he asked me "Papa, what's nothing?"

How the hell do you quantify "nothing" to a 3 year old!??? It's such a deep question. Shows he's got more brains than his old man.

On another note, I met this amazing woman a few weeks ago. Met her through a Uruguayan chat. She and I click on sooooo many levels. She's a year older than me, she's finishing her pre-law degree (here in Uruguay it's the equivalent of being a Notary Public), and she lives close to my parent's summer home.

We have a great time together, and we care for each other, but we're both coming off long term relationships, and we both have a lot going on in our heads. This woman fills my thoughts, I long to call her constantly, just being near her makes me smile.

Just so I could spend some time with her I've been helping her study for her finals. Yesterday we were together about 4 hours, studied for about 3 hours and just talked for the last hour. I was floating.

On to other news...

Yesterday, once I got to my parent's place, I said hi to my mom and I noticed that she had been crying. I asked her what was wrong, and she asked me if I knew Frank. I was floored, the only Frank I know is mine and Gabe's friend in Canada. When I told her yes, that he was a friend in Canada, she then asked me if Frank was gay. I had no idea where this was coming from, but I explained that Frank was anything but gay, he's married and has a young child, he cheats on his wife constantly, but always with women. At that point my mom says "Gabe's mom committed suicide on Wednesday". This was all coming out of left field.

I was floored.

Apparently my dad had received an email that Gabe sent, congratulating my sister on Joaquin's birth, and then added that his mom had killed herself. He then went on to explain that he and Frank had become very close this past year. He wished everyone a Merry Christmas and that was it. My parents believed that she had caught Gabe and Frank in a sexual situation, and had been so distraught that she had killed herself.

I freaked.

I didn't think it was possible for his mom to have killed herself, and I knew for a fact that neither Gabe or Frank were gay, quite the contrary, they're both very homophobic and macho to the point of trying to screw every woman that passes in front of their eyes. So I rushed to a Cyber Cafe, to check my email and read this letter for myself.

When I finally read it, I understood.

My father, who is a very smart man, but was never great at reading English, had read the email wrong. Gabe had wrote "On a sadder note my best friends Mom killed herself on Wednesday".

My dad, translating into spanish in his head, read "On a sadder note, my friends, Mom killed herself on Wednesday".

I rushed to a phone and explained to everyone that Gabe's mom was very much alive, that it was Frank's mom who had committed suicide.

We were all very relieved.

That being said, I would like to add something. I know that Frank does not know about this blog, and neither does Gabe, but this must be said. My heartfelt condolences go out to Frank's family during this sad time for them. Frank was a very good friend while I was in Canada, and I am quite sad that he and his family must go through this during the holiday seasons. All my love goes out to you.

So as a final point I say this: During this holiday season, hold your loved ones close, cherish the moments you have with them, because we never know how many moments we will have with them. I plan to do this wholeheartedly. Regrettably, I won't be spending Christmas with Frankie, since he will be with his Mom and her family, so I will be spending Christmas alone. I prefer it this way, since it will be my first Christmas without Frankie since he was born, but I will cherish to the max every moment with him.

Love your loved ones without reservations. Show them, tell them, enjoy them.

HNT #3

2005-12-01T11:41:00.000-02:00

A gorgeous and beautiful child, my wonderful nephew. An added bonus, that's his dad's hand. Pic taken by me :D

Getting laid is tough!

2005-11-29T13:41:00.000-02:00

How annoying is sex when you're not having any?

EXTREMELY!

You think about it constantly. Every word between two people seems to have sexual connotations.

Every look you give seems leacherous, hell they are leacherous!

Not to mention "alone time". It's freaking constant!

I have known people in my life (especially this last year) who have an ease about them regarding the opposite sex. Something I have never been able to master. They are able to have sex with someone without there being any emotional attachment. Since my sexual experiences are extremely limited, this is difficult for me. I guess I equate sex with love, or vice versa.

I had one situation years and years ago, in which I had met a woman. This meeting was purely sexual (NO, it was not a hooker). I found this woman extremely attractive, and apparently she found me attractive (She must have had something wrong with her eyes). But when it came down to it, I couldn't maintain an erection (You have no idea how embarassing this is for me to admit).

I couldn't understand it. She was hot, she turned me on. She would tell me all the things that she wanted to do with me, and even so, nothing!

I finally figured out that it was because there was no emotional attachment. Nothing. She was a very nice, kind woman, but I didn't love her.

So how does one fuck someone if they're not in love? I'm the wrong guy to ask.

Either way the point is moot. To even try to have sex with someone, you have to have someone to have sex with, which I do not.

And that sucks.

Even worse, finding someone is very, very hard!

I'm not the best looking guy, I'm getting divorced, I have a son and I'm a foreigner in this country, add all these up and you get a guy who's becoming a born again virgin!

That sucks.

So how is this remedied?

I have no fucking clue! Normally I'd ask for advice, but who the hell should I ask advice from?

No female friends here to ask. My best friend is in another country. So I guess I'm stuck with the old 5 finger shuffle.

Lucky me.

I miss my friend

2005-11-29T13:10:00.000-02:00

You never really know what you have until you lose it.

Someone told me that once, and I never really believed it, until I lived it a dozen different ways this year.

While I was in Canada, I missed my son like crazy, cried myself to sleep most nights thinking of him. I missed my ex-wife (I was missing what our marriage had been, not what it had actually become), I missed being in Uruguay and my friends.

But now I'm here in Uruguay and I lost someone again. My best friend.

She and I met under the strangest circumstances, became friends under weirder ones, and even developed feelings for each other, despite our personal situations. And now that I'm here, I miss her like crazy.

We've barely chatted in month and a half that I've been here. I haven't seen her at all (not even through webcams) except for some HNT pics. And I miss her.

I had the best friend I could ever have imagined having while I was in Canada. I could talk to her about anything and everything. My ex, Frankie, work, women, family problems, desires, dreams, pain. Anything and everything.

She is the best person I have ever known.

And you know what? Despite her personal situations, I should have brought her with me!

Yes I should have. But now she's thousands of kilometers away.

What did I have? The bestest friend. What did I lose? Maybe everything.

How can I fix this?

Congratulate me!!!

2005-11-29T12:20:00.000-02:00

Everyone definitely should!

On November 16th, 2005 at 2:26 pm Uruguay time I became an uncle!

My nephew's name is Joaquin and what a gorgeous boy he is!

His birth weight: 3.820 Kgs

He's a BIG boy hehehhehe.

That morning everything was quite normal, when at about 11:30 am I got a call on my cell phone that my sister had started having contractions. I kind of freaked.
I was taking care of Frankie at the time, but since my sister was only 3 cms dilated there was no rush. So Frankie took his afternoon nap (he's so cute while he's sleeping).

Once Frankie woke up I told him that we were going to see his new cousin. He was sooooo excited!

Packed him up (not in a suitcase, he's way too big for that :D) and took the bus to the Hospital (Here in Uruguay it's actually called Sanatorio since the term Hospital is for public medical centers).

Once we got there my dad filled me in. Joaquin had been born through C-section because he was positioned incorrectly for a normal birth. Nothing seriously dangerous, but since my sister wasn't even supposed to make it to term, her doctor didn't want to take any chances.

Another problem had arisen after Joaquin's birth. His body temp was a little low, and this apparently worried the doc. So they put him in an incubator so that his body temp would rise without worries.

He was sooooo gorgeous. A full head of black hair, and very beautiful dark brown eyes. According to everyone he has my mouth (weird I know, but Frankie has my sister's mouth).

I wasn't able to hold him that day because of the incubator, but I stared at him, took about 30 pictures (which I will be posting once my sister returns my camera), and even a couple of videos.

Once Frankie saw him it was like love at first sight. Frankie said to me "Papa, yo quiero mucho a mi primo Joaquin" (Translation "Papa, I love my cousin Joaquin alot").

Since then Frankie has told absolutely everyone he knows and meets about his little cousin Joaquin.

I'm a horrible blogger

2005-11-15T11:55:00.000-02:00

Since I got to Uruguay I've been a horrible blogger.

No, really, I have been.

Stop trying to convince me otherwise!

NO, REALLY!

Oh wait, that was my invisible friend trying to convince me.

What is for sure is that this past month here in Uruguay has been completely insane.

When I arrived here in Montevideo, I had decided to try and fight for the woman I love. But I was hurting her by doing that. So I have since decided I will no longer pursue her. She's happy, or at least she looks like she is. I don't think that this guy she's with is the right guy for her, but I do have to respect that she's happy. So, she and I will only be acquaintances and parents of a wonderful boy.

And me?

I'll search for my happiness.

To be honest, even though not being with her was painful, in the past 3 weeks the pain has all but disappeared. It's actually quite relaxing not to have to justify my every move with her, not to have her hovering over me watching every single move I make, not to have her mistrusting me.

So, I will be single. Maybe forever, maybe not. There is a woman that is quite interesting, that I've known for quite a while, but we're friends. I have no pretensions of being in a relationship now. I'm just going to enjoy life as much as I can, especially by spending time with Frankie.

Frankie. What a boy!

He tells me how much he loves me every 5 minutes. We spend a lot of time together, he sleeps over my place every now and then, and we have a great time. Anyone who sees him and spends time with him would automatically say that he's a clone of me. And I agree wholeheartedly.

Since being here, I have started working with an international company as a Call Center Supervisor. Pretty much doing exactly the same thing I was doing while I was in Canada! Love the job, seriously.

I have moved into a little apartment (my budget won't allow for more, yet). Luckily I already had a lot of furniture and appliances, since I just went and picked up almost everything that my ex-wife had. The stuff that I had bought went with me, and we divided up the things that were gifts. In the matter of the gifts, I got the Fridge, the TV, the Couches, my desk and the coffee maker. I kept my bed (although to be honest, I'm thinking of burning it, for reasons any of you may imagine), the stove was mine, as was the DVD player. So all I really need is a Dining room table, and maybe a microwave oven (she got the microwave in the split).

Unfortunately, I still don't have a phone or internet connection at my new place, but there are cyber cafés all over the place, but they aren't that cheap.

All things considered, it's not that bad here. It's a beautiful country, but I guess I'm lonely. I haven't hooked up with any of my old friend from down here, that girl I mentioned, we pretty much play phone tag alot. And I still haven't been able to get used to the time difference between Montevideo and Toronto so that I can chat with my best friend, or Steve or Ken, or even my cousins. Right now here, it's almost 11 am, but over there it's 8 am. That kind of time difference is really fucking up my friendships.

I know everything will settle in though.

I hope.

I know you all missed me!

2005-10-28T12:07:00.000-02:00

Well, here I am.

Back after a while.

I'm sure you all want updates as to how it's going with the ex, but nope. I'm not giving updates yet. Mostly because it's not going.

But as promised, I bring you pics! Tons and tons of pics!

My trip here to Uruguay, my son, my son and more of my son. And some of Uruguay too.

Brief description to follow each pic.

This is my boarding gate at Lester B. Pearson International Airport in Toronto.

My trip was going to be a long one. I travelled from Toronto to Santiago, Chile, then from Santiago to Montevideo, Uruguay. Left Saturday October 15th at 11:55pm EST, arrived in Montevideo on Sunday October 16th at 5pm Uruguay time.

A blurry but visible image of the plane I was to travel on.

My carry-on luggage. Including a Batmobile I bought for Frankie.

The view outside my window as we were arriving in Chile.

Amazing views, don't you think? These are the Andes.

Pics of the Airport in Santiago de Chile.

This is the plane I would take from Chile to Montevideo. I had to wait 3 hours in the airport before I could board.

The view as we were arriving in Uruguay.

The Carrasco International Airport in Uruguay.

Arriving in Uruguay, one has to go through Migrations and Customs.

My wonderful Son, Francisco. I gave him that little bottle of water. I spent the first 2 hours in Uruguay holding him and crying.

My dad with Frankie and a set of Hot Wheels cars that I bought for my boy.

Frankie standing in front of my sister's pregnant belly. He talks to his little unborn cousin.

Isn't he gorgeous while he takes his nap?

These are pics of the view of the Montevideo Rambla. This is literally a street that runs the length of the coastline along the whole eastern coast of the country. It's filled with beaches and beautiful sights. These are taken from the neighbourhood of Pocitos, where I'm currently living.

Well, I hope you've all enjoyed these pics. Don't worry, more are to come.

I guess you could consider these HNT's but, not really. Either way, I'm ecstatic to be with my boy.

I'm probably a huge idiot

2005-10-18T00:53:00.000-02:00

I had a talk with my wife.

Jeez, am I ever foolish.

When I saw her again yesterday, things became very clear for me. I want her back. I've made that decision. I've no doubt that it's probably the dumbest thing I've ever done.

I told her.

We went out for a coffee, and she asked me why I came back. I always knew that I would see Frankie again no matter what. He's my son. And that is impossible to refute. I would be with him again no matter what!

But I could have arranged it so that Frankie could go to Canada. It would have been difficult, and would probably have taken a lot of time, but I could have done it.

So why did I come back?

Her.

It's always been her.

And I told her.

She says she's happy.

That may very well be true.

But I changed when I was in Canada. I used to be a not-nice person. I decided long ago to kill that person. My thoughts of actually hurting her boyfriend were a foolish childish lash-out.

My thoughts of hurting myself also were.

I may never succeed at my task. But I came back to win her back.

And I will do so or die trying.

I cannot make her choices for her. Her choice to love me or not to love me will be her choice and hers alone. But I can and will do everything to show her that I am the person for her. I am the only one in the world who loves her this much, has always loved her and will love her until the day she dies and beyond.

She asked me, and I accepted, that I not say anything to anyone else here in Uruguay (does this blog count?). But even if I don't breathe a word of my decision to anyone else, everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, will see what my decision is, just by my actions. They will see that with every step I take, I am committed to being with her.

I may never end up with her though.

Have I thought about that? Yes, definitely. And I have decided that if that happens, then so be it. I will fight until the day of my death for her love.

Do I realize that this may mean that I will never love again?

No, it does not mean this, because I know, and I always have known somewhere deep down (and I think most people have seen this, aside from my depressions) that I always have and always will love her. My love is secure.

What about her boyfriend?

He has committed some serious errors. Not only in how he initiated their relationship, but also in contact with me. But one thing is definite. He can't deal with me. He may very well wish to initiate a physical confrontation, I will do nothing to initiate one, but if this happens, rest assured I will end it.

What do I plan on doing?

Showing her how much I love her with everything I do. Showing her that I am not the selfish child I once was. I will not try to convince her. In fact I will not shower her with constant "I love you's" or "Be with me, I'm the one for you". My attitude and my actions will show her I am the one man she should be with.

Am I not disrespecting her decision by doing this?

That may be the opinion of some people out there. There is nothing I can do to avoid this. But I do not believe this to be the case. Her decision is, and always has been, her decision. If she chooses to ignore me for the rest of my natural (and unnatural) life, that is her choice, and I do respect that. But, my actions and decisions are my own.

Why don't I just let go and find love elsewhere?

I did try this. Many of you who read this blog know this. But there was no way I could give my heart over to someone else completely unless it were ready to be given. It was not, nor will it ever be. I believe that deep down, someone already knew this.

So, for better or for worse, and I do believe it to be for better, my life's path has been decided. I think I decided it on a fateful day in August of 1996, when a tall, gorgeous Uruguayan woman butted into an airplane line-up in front of me in Brazil.

And I've never been happier.

Delayed HNT#2

2005-10-15T11:37:00.000-02:00

Sorry for the delay everyone.

Here's my 2nd HNT posting.

I only have a few more hours left before I leave, and the bags are packed. Too bad Ben Affleck and Liv Tyler aren't here to sing to me

This is one of my suitcases. As some may be able to tell, I'm travelling Air Canada.

Wish me luck!

And the bombardment continues....

2005-10-12T11:30:00.000-02:00

As everyone might know, once I get back to Uruguay I'm going to be taking a hell of a lot of pics of me and my boy.

So, just to start you off, here's a pic of him and his best friend at a Birthday Party.

Let's find out a little bit more about me...

2005-10-07T19:06:00.000-03:00

I was sent this email this afternoon.

I was directed to email it out to people, but when I started compiling the list of who I was going to send it to it was so embarassingly short I decided to post it on my blog.

Anyone who likes it can do it themselves :-)

Welcome to the Fall 2005 edition of getting to know your friends. If you're bored with the weather, this will keep you busy for awhile. What you are supposed to do is copy (not forward) this entire email and paste it into a new one. Change all the answers so they apply to you and then send this to a whole bunch of people, including the person who sent it to you. The idea is that you will learn a lot of little things about your friends that you probably didn't know already.

1. What time did you get up this morning? 6:00

2. Diamonds or pearls? I like both, but I prefer Amethysts

3. What was the last film you saw in the cinema? Spider-Man 2, but I download a lot of movies now.

4. What's your favorite TV show? Veronica Mars

5. What did you have for breakfast this morning? Glass of OJ

6. What's your favorite cuisine? Sorrentinos

7. What foods do you dislike? Beets and Cucumbers

8. What is your favorite chip flavor? Sour Cream & Onion

9. What's your favorite CD at the moment? Bon Jovi "Have a nice day"

10. What kind of car do you drive? None, but sometimes my grandfather's Pontiac

11. Favorite sandwich? Ham and Turkey with Homemade mayo

12. What characteristics do you despise? When people insult others

13. Favorite item of clothing? T-shirt and jeans

14. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? Greece

15. What color is your bathroom? White

16. Favorite brand of clothing? I really like Tommy Hilfiger, but anything that's comfortable

17. Where would you retire to? My beach house (or it will be when my parents kick the bucket)

18. Favorite time of the day? mid-afternoon

19. What was your most memorable birthday? 12, 18, 26, 29 (the last one, not for good reasons)

20. Where were you born? Toronto, Ontario

21. Favorite sport to watch? Baseball, Soccer (in the stadiums), Swim tourneys

22. Who do you least expect to send this back to you? Probably noone will

23. Person you expect to send it back first? Cowgirl

24. What fabric detergent do you use? Tide

25. Were you named after anyone? My grandfather and my dad's nickname

26. Do you wish on stars? Everynight

27. When did you last cry? Today

28. Do you like your handwriting? yes

29. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? No

30. Are you a daredevil? I wish I were more of a daredevil

31. Do looks matter? Not at all. True beauty lies in thoughts, words, and soul. When these characteristics flourish, beauty becomes apparent.

32. How do you release anger? I used to punch walls and tanks, now i cry or bury my anger

33. Where is your second home? I'm going back to my true home (although I don't really have one)

34. What were your favorite toys as a child? Loved my Transformers

35. What class in High School was totally useless? OAC French

36. Do you use sarcasm a lot? Constantly

37. Favorite movies? The Truth about Cats and Dogs, Fools Rush In (I know I will get razzed for these)

38. What are your nicknames? Pabs, Pableets, Danny, Foreign Guy, Pablito

39. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Never have never will

40. Do you think that you are strong? I know I am, but emotionally I'm weak as a wet tissue

41. What's your favorite ice cream flavor? Chocolate with Peanut Butter Chunks

42. What are your favorite colors? Blue, Red, Black

43. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? My weight and my looks

44. What do you miss the most? My son, and smiling

45. Do you want everyone you sent this to send it back? God, yes

46. What color pants are you wearing? Blue Jeans

47. What are you listening to right now? Theory of a Deadman

48. Last thing you ate? Pizza

49. If you were a CRAYON what color would you be? Purple

50. Last person you talked to on the phone? A customer at work

51. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Eyes and ass

52. Favourite Drink? Scotch

53. Do you wear contacts? no

54. Favorite Day(s)? Saturdays

55. Scary Movies or Happy Endings? Happy Endings

56. Summer or winter? Summer

57. Hugs OR Kisses? Kisses, I so adore kissing! (Although I've only kissed 4 women in my life)

58. What Is Your Favorite Dessert? Usually skip dessert

59. What Book(s)Are You Reading? Stephen King's "Bag of Bones"

60. What's On Your Mouse Pad? Marvin the Martian, Daffy Duck, Yosemite Sam

61. What Did You Watch Last night on TV? CSI, Daddy Daycare

62. Favorite Smells? Fresh baked blueberry muffins

63. Rolling Stones or Beatles? Rolling Stones

64. Do you have any pets? 1 dog (she's with my sister now)

65. Are you in love? I plead the 5th

66. Where do you live? Mississauga, Ontario, but in 8 days that's changing to Montevideo, Uruguay

My first HNT...

2005-10-06T07:24:00.000-03:00

Ok, this is my first HNT, and hopefully not my last.

Lack of inspiration and sheer embarassment led me to post this picture (no way was I gonna post a pic of my hairy ass the first time out).

Either way, this does matter to me, as you can see my Make Poverty History wristband.

Suggestions for my next HNT are welcome :-)

The memories we take

2005-10-05T17:45:00.000-03:00

As my time here grows shorter, I find myself wondering, will I miss Canada? Will I take anything of worth with me when I leave?

I have 10 days left before I leave this country, and to be honest I am grateful for my time here in Canada. I didn't enjoy a lot of it, but I will take some beautiful memories with me when I leave.

Canada has given me an education, it's given my family everything, up until 8 years ago. The last 8 years my history and my life have been Uruguay and the people in Uruguay, but I can not forget what Canada means to me. My father became a world-recognized welder and fabrication engineer here in Canada. My mother, had the possibility to spend almost all of her time as a stay at home mother. My sister and I had every single benefit in the world. Canada gave well to my family. But my life no longer lies in Canada.

So when I leave, my memories will include my amazing friendships: Al, Gonzalo, Amanda, Terry, Gabe, Frank, Steve, Saami, Ken, Mary, Lis, Edwin, Joanne, Zima. The amazing times I spent with them: The trip to Wasaga, the dancing at Blue Suede Sue's, the failed trips to Ten, the sheer embarassment while trying to hit on girls and having absolutely zero success (even though Edwin kept saying I was good looking), the drunken idiocies which we will never speak of, but will always remember, the sheer terror of finding a woman bobbing up and down on me, a trip I took up north in the middle of a work week for a fleeting glance at an angel.

These are all good memories, wonderful memories that I will carry with me fondly always.

I have made virtual friends also, all these people online who read my misadventures in love and parenting (although I haven't done much parenting lately), these people will also stay in my heart and in my mind always.

Unfortunately there are also sad and bad memories to accompany these good ones. Stupid choices to help supposed friends, expenses when I shouldn't have spent a dime, the pain I felt during the whole F debacle (and it's ongoing). I will carry all this too.

I have fallen, I have flown, I have learned, I have lost, I have smiled, and I have cried. I have lived.

And yet, I have no intentions of returning to Canada in the near future, or to be honest in the far future. The time I spent away from Frankie was enough to teach me that even if I never love again, I can never be away from my boy again.

My time here has changed me. I don't know if it's changed me for the better or for worse, but there has definitely been a change. I have become less a happy man, and more a cynical man. I no longer allow my feelings to drive me, but logic and reason, and I will not let anyone stand in the way of what I want anymore. If living in this world means being cruel and insensitive then that's how I will be. I do not like this, but I will do it. And I will achieve my goals.

And yet, I take from this experience friendships and kindness. I take memories that will never be erased. I take from this everything that a man should take from an experience, continuance of life.

And the preparations continue...

2005-10-03T10:59:00.000-03:00

So this weekend I took significant steps in my preparation to return to Uruguay.

Some of you might still be wondering about the date I'm leaving (unless you're bored to tears with my blog, and only stop by to see if I've uploaded any more pics of Frankie).

Well the confirmed date is October 15, 2005. My plane leaves at 11:55 pm that night. I will be arriving in Montevideo, Uruguay October 16th at 5 pm local time.

I know, I know, it's pretty damned soon, but I miss my boy. Also, I won't have a job after the 14th, so I might as well leave.

The interesting thing is that noone in my family down south (except my dad and my grandpa) know that I'm arriving on the 16th. They actually believe that I'll be arriving at the end of the month. Although I've asked my dad to arrange for Frankie to be at the airport to greet me. I can't wait.

Now, you may all be wondering why am I not letting anyone know? My father and grandfather are sworn to secrecy, but noone else knows. I've actually been considering some revenge. A friend of mine in Uruguay offered to seduce F's new/old boyfriend so that she might feel some of what I've felt. And I was planning on doing some surveillance to help my friend, while noone knows I'm there.

I know, this seems low and childish. But I was hurt. And I've been hurt too many times in my life and I've just taken it, pushed it down low and let people continue to hurt me. Now it's time for me to not let myself get hurt anymore, it's time for me to strike back.

Now I was given some advice this morning, that this is a bad idea. I do understand that point of view, believe me I do. But the thing that hurts, the thing that I felt helpless against, was the hope she gave me and took away, the fact that 2 weeks after I left Uruguay she got pregnant, my son calling someone else "daddy", the betrayal I felt after I had not only given all of my love to her, but my entire soul. Even today, she is still the woman I compare other women against.

Pathetic, I know.

So now, I'm at a crossroads, do I continue down this road, which will inevitably hurt her (and I know that the limp-dicked ass muncher will fall, he's exactly that type of guy) or do I swallow all my pain down and just continue down the road I have gone down all of my life?

I know that if I set my mind to it, I can make her life and his a living hell, make them experience just a touch of what I've felt these past 9 months. But something a friend of mine said to me this morning still echoes in my head.

"You're not like that"

Aren't I? Do I want to be? What am I like?

Shit.

I'm gonna have to think about this alot.

Moving on....

I've bought a new suitcase for my trip, since my old one has a seriously fucked up zipper. I bought some towels for my grandma, on her request. I bought myself a new pair of jeans and two t-shirts. I'm gonna buy Frankie a Batmobile next week, I promised it to him as well as some Hot Wheels cars. Also I'm gonna buy memory and possibly a new processor for my computer in Uruguay, so that Frankie and I can watch all the movies I've downloaded and burned. Still have to buy more CD-R's, and I'd definitely like to buy some new toiletries.

It'll all be over soon enough. One way or another.

I thought I won an OSCAR!

2005-09-29T20:10:00.000-03:00

Not really, but when my boss called us into the boardroom today, at the very least I thought he was either gonna complain about

a) Us doing absolutely nothing except play online pool (since the end is coming we don't really care, it's not like they can threaten to fire us)

b) Us being mean to Vampirella (which we do with so much ease and joy that it is now second nature, and believe me, there was nothing anyone could do to stop us)

c) My porn collection on the PC at work (there isn't one, but I've checked out my share of sites)

Turns out I was completely wrong!

OMG!!! ME WRONG!!??????????????????

Amazing, but it does happen.

Nope, the reason they called us in was to advise us that we will be getting an extra weeks pay on our last day. A kind of severance pay, even though we're not entitled.

WOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is sooooooo going to the "Buy stuff for Frankie Fund"!!!

Seems like the owner of the company with which we had the contract wants us to receive that money.

So I'm pretty damned happy for that :D

Pics of my son's birthday

2005-09-28T15:15:00.000-03:00

I received these pictures of Frankie's birthday party at his school.

Hope you like them, because I loved them. Just about cried when I got them.

Doesn't he look great? :-D

Sleeping with a Superhero

2005-09-28T14:40:00.000-03:00

I used to sleep with Spider-Man, and oh boy did I love it.

This is not the kind of post you people think it is.

Back in January of '04 after I lost my job (which may have led to my F falling out of love with me [I obsess I know]) F went back to work and I had the wonderful task of taking care of Frankie.

Luckily I was still receiving money from the Uruguayan equivalent of Employment Insurance, which in Uruguay is called Seguro de Paro, so we weren't starving.

My daily routine was fairly simple.

I'd wake up at about 8am, Frankie would wake up pretty much at the same time. His initial breakfast consisted of a warm bottle of milk, while mine was Uruguayan Tea called Maté.

I'd give him a quick bath, put him in fresh clothes, and then we'd sit down in front of the TV to watch his cartoons for about half an hour. I'd give him a mid-morning snack of fruit while he was watching TV, and I would usually give the apartment a quick once-over.

After TV time I would get him dressed (light clothes since this was summer) and we'd go for a qalk. Sometimes he would ride in his stroller, other times he would walk with me. Almost always about halfway through the walk, he would fall asleep in the stroller and we'd head back home. I'd lay him down in his bed and then I'd go about preparing his lunch and my lunch.

Then came fun time. When he would wake up we'd start playing. I would absolutely drop everything just to play with him. We'd play mock soccer, we'd play monster chases Frankie, Frankie visits the zoo (with me being the zoo), Slip and Slide (on the recently sweeped clean floor), then we'd sit down and draw with crayons, or read a comic book (I gave him my whole collection, and he learned farly quickly that it was bad to rip them up), and of course Superheroes unite (He would dress-up in a Spider-Man uniform and I would wear a red towel saying I was Superman).

By this time he was all tuckered out and hungry, so we'd have lunch.

We'd finish our lunch, both of us still wearing our costumes, and then inevitably he would start yawning.

At this point I'd take him to my bed for his nap I'd lie down with him and I'd start singing to him (a song my dad used to sing to me when I was a kid, which still puts me to sleep) eventually he'd fall asleep. I'd just stare at him sleeping there in his Spider-Man uniform. He was so beautiful.

I couldn't believe how lucky I was to be the father of such a beautiful boy. I would just keep caressing his face while he lay there, making sure he was comfortable.

I can honestly remember no better feeling than that one, the feeling of my wonderful boy sleeping next to me in his Spider-Man uniform, sometimes snoring, with his beautiful hair falling over his eyes.

I hope to be able to repeat this experience when I get home.

3 years is a long time

2005-09-27T11:03:00.000-03:00

It was my son's birthday yesterday.

He's 3 years old.

I can't believe I've been a father for 3 years. It's kind of overwhelming. The sheer responsibilities that come with being a parent.

Let me be honest to all out there. While my .... the mother of my child was pregnant with Francisco I was a moron.

To be honest, I was scared shitless of being a father. We had lost 2 babies previously due to miscarriages so the chances of us having a child were slim. But apparently my little swimmers are stronger than the docs thought, so F (my ex, whatever) got pregnant.

But I got scared. When the actual reality of being a father presented itself I freaked out. I would spend as much time away from home as possible, at work, at University, out with friends, anything to not face the reality of F's growing womb.

So for about 4 months I was a complete ass. Then we went to have the first Ultrasound sonogram, and I saw my son.

Oh God, never have I seen anything so beautiful, ever.

Obviously being an Ultrasound you could see outlines instead of features, but he was beautiful. That was actually the first moment we found out it was a boy. Up until then we were sure that we were going to have a girl. We hadn't even picked out any boy names.

We ended up naming him Francisco Nicolas. Francisco after my paternal grandfather and Nicolas is just a beautiful name we love.

After that I was in love with my son. Maybe I loved him more than I loved her.

I spent every waking moment trying to make up for my idiocies of the past. I don't know if I succeeded, but I did my best.

Then came the day of September 26, 2002. We weren't expecting him for almost another 2 weeks, but F had been under a lot of stress since my great-aunt had passed away 10 days before. The worst part was that my dad and I found my great-aunt. I still can't face that memory, and it's something we'll have to carry for the rest of our lives.

The morning of the 26th I went to work as usual, and as usual, I called F every 2 hours to see how she and the baby were doing. That morning on my second call, she told me that she was "leaking".

This scared me because one of the previous miscarriages had been preceded by a loss of amniotic fluid in the morning. I told her to get her ass to the doctor's office ASAP. To grab a cab and get down there.

I went and told my bosses that I had to leave that my wife was having problem's with the baby. My bosses allowed me to leave and actually gave me a gift of U$S 500 for the baby (in Uruguay this is a huge amount of money).

I raced down to the doctor's office and found F there. She was being admitted to the labour ward!

WTF??????? I went and talked to the head nurse and she explained that the fluid loss was quite normal when a woman's water breaks. I almost laughed out loud!

My wife was going to have the baby!

So I went in to see her, this was about 11 am. She gave me instructions on what to get from home.

I raced out, grabbed a cab and got home in maybe 30 mins. From there I called every freaking person I knew!

I was going to be a dad!

I got back to the hospital at about 2pm and found at least 20 people there waiting for me. Even my best friend in Uruguay had shown up.

It was a long wait. Filled with anticipation and fear. There was pain, a whole hell of a lot of it, and she went through alot of it too. It was a great night.

Then, at 10:20 pm, Uruguayan time, my son was born. The umbilical cord was cut by me and then I held my beautiful baby boy. I was in love with him, he was so gorgeous. He had steely blue eyes and a full head of hair and a tiny pimple on his right cheek. He looked at me and I held him. He had this creamy white gunk on him, but he was gorgeous.

I gave him to the nurse and I went to tell everyone. When I saw Enzo, my friend, I literally ran into his arms crying.

I was joyous. And I let everyone know that Francisco Nicolas Gonzalez had been born.

And now 3 years later.

I talked to him last night and sang Happy Birthday to him in English and Spanish. Then he asked me "Papa venis a casa pronto?" "Papa, are you coming home soon?"

I almost cried right there.

I said "Yes, Frankie, I'm coming home very soon, and we're never going to be apart again".

I'm going home. And my son's waiting for me. Anything else is superfluous.

I love my son and he loves me. God, is there anything more wonderful?

It's all ending...

2005-09-23T11:29:00.000-03:00

I was called into a meeting with my boss a couple of days ago.

Apparently the company is losing it's major account and by mid-October we're all going to be out of a job.

To be honest, this wasn't a surprise to most of us here. In the last two months there have been at least 4 people who have resigned to move on to better things. The client obviously saw this and decided to pack up. They're moving to Texas.

So this comes as a bit of providence since I was already planning on leaving around that time to go back to Uruguay.

So here we are, all preparing our C.V.'s

I'm not too worried about myself, since I know what I'm going to be doing, but my colleagues' futures are of concern to me. They're all starting the job-hunt already, and with no immediate prospects, the situation is dismal.

So now I'm worried about them as well as myself.

Not to mention the added pressure of the economic situation ahead of me (I think I remember saying that Money is a pain in the ass).

Let's see if we can add some more on to my plate: Today's my dad's birthday, Monday is Frankie's birthday (God, do I miss him), Tuesday is my Grandfather's birthday. So I'm going to miss all of those. My sister is soon to have her baby, and I want to buy her the Crib (have to figure out not only how I'm going to pay for that, but also how the hell I'm going to send it down there). Have to pay for my phone bill here (I have almost $450 to pay).

Not to mention the fact that I do want to buy some stuff for Frankie before I go.

So, I've got a lot to figure out and pay for.

Oh, and I have to get a hair cut and my leg hurts pretty bad.

:( hmmmmmmph

Let's help the breasts of the world

2005-09-17T11:17:00.000-03:00

Even though I try to make the titles of my posts insightful or even humourous, today's post is not a humourous subject.

I thank my good friend Cowgirl for this info.

Breast cancer is a very delicate matter, according to the NBCF (National Breast Cancer Foundation) approximately 12.6% of women in the US will develop breast cancer in their lifetimes.

The good thing is that it can be detected early by regular mammary testing. Women can give themselves basic breast checks and they can also have medical checks called Mammograms. A mammogram is a safe, low-dose x-ray picture of the breast. Mammograms are quick and easy. You simply stand in front of an x-ray machine. The person who takes the x-ray places your breast between two plastic plates. The plates press your breast and make it flat. This may be uncomfortable for a few seconds, but it helps to get a clear picure.

Unfortunately not everyone is financially capable of getting mammograms done, therefore The Breast Cancer Site has a button on it where you can click daily so that one free mammogram a day will be given out. This is thanks to their sponsors.

I urge you all to go to this site and click on the button. There is no charge to you whatsoever, and you will be helping someone.

Shouldn't we all try to help?

The race is on

2005-09-15T20:56:00.000-03:00

I've initiated my preparations today to go back to Uruguay.

Ticket: Check

Money: In progress

Clothes: Check and in progress (gonna buy some new clothes)

Toys and stuff for Frankie: In progress

Laptop: In progress

Passport: Check

Uruguayan ID: Check

Weight: In progress (wanna lose more before I go back)

Date: Check (I will reveal this date later on on this blog, and to one specific person whenever she wants)

Place to live when I get there: Check (Gonna live with Mom and Dad for a bit, even though our relationship is strained, to say the least)

Job in Uruguay: In progress (I already have at least 3 interviews lined up for when I get there in several international Call Centers)

So, I only have one thing left to talk about with a special someone. I'm going to ask her a question and hopefully she'll agree (No, it's not what you people are thinking).

We'll see.

I get a bedroom again..

2005-09-13T16:45:00.000-03:00

My grampa's going back to Uruguay tonight.

I'm gonna miss him, but I'm gonna see him once I go back. Might even have to live with him for a bit.

My uncle's probably gonna miss him more. He sees his parents for a couple of months maybe once a year.

These past couple of weeks I actually considered leaving with him today. But I can't leave yet. Money still rules all.

At least I get a bedroom again :)

My days of sleeping on an inflatable matress on the floor are over!

Truly Stuck Between Worlds

2005-09-13T08:05:00.000-03:00

I've been sitting here for the past 5 minutes trying to figure out how to start this post.

I know I haven't posted in a few days. There is good reason. You may remember the phonecall I had with my "ex"-wife a little bit ago. Well. I had already decided to go back to Uruguay. I miss my son too much, and he needs me.

But.

Yes, there's always a "but".

I received a phone call Sunday night that changed my whole viewpoint on how things may or may not be when I get back to Uruguay. I have kept this conversation to myself for many reasons, the least of which is that I didn't want to burden anyone with the sheer sense of hurt and betrayal (I really hate that feeling, it's almost as bad as having a nice hot shower, and someone flushing the toilet, and you end up finding out how a lobster feels in a pot).

My ex called me. She wanted me to talk with Frankie, which of course I do whole-heartedly, so she calls him over. And he yells back "No, estoy mirando tele con papa-Esteban".

Translated this means "No, I'm watching TV with daddy-Esteban". WTF!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Esteban is my ex's boyfriend (he was her ex-boyfriend and now they're back).

FIRSTLY: WTF is MY son doing calling this Fuckwad dipshit limp-dicked ass-muncher Daddy???????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SECONDLY: I had specifically asked her not to have that guy around my son. EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!

THIRDLY: WTF?!?!?!?!!! Wasn't this damned woman all lovey-dovey over me again??????? Didn't she want me to go back for her?!!!!!!!?!???!???? (I was going to tell her to shove it either way for two reasons 1. Great advice from my best friend, 2. Wanted to see her writhing in despair)

I was just so distraught when I heard Frankie say that. For the first time in my pathetic, miserable life I actually contemplated taking my own life. Still haven't decided if I should or shouldn't.

But now, I'm more afraid of something else. I want to go back and be with my son, I don't know if he wants to be with me, but that's something I'll have to deal with one way or another when I get there. The thing I'm afraid of is my anger. I've actually thought about what might happen if I ever meet this guy. This guy who because of a pathetic fucking phone call broke up my family. I've thought that I might want to hurt him. And I've thought that I might not stop until there's nothing left to hurt.

That scares me.

Alot.

This shit is kiwis, k-i-w-i-s

2005-09-08T10:56:00.000-03:00

I got into a verbal fight with a co-worker yesterday.

As many of you may already know I work in Technical Support for a telephone manufacturer. At times there exists the need to replace a unit In Warranty. There is a certain procedure that we must follow so that the customer can send his/her unit in for repair or replacement. This procedure includes the Customer sending us his/her Proof of Purchase for confirmation.

I have the lucky job of confirming these PoP's. Definitely not a fun job.

I received a PoP yesterday, and while I was confirming it I noticed that the information in the case was completely inadequate, therefore I couldn't approve the PoP. I then spoke with the agent who had taken care of the case originally and told her this. She became extremely agitated and started yelling. No way in hell was I going to let an upstart, childish girl yell at me, so I got pissed and stepped on her.

Not really, but boy did I want to.

I pretty much said this to Vampirella (nickname I gave her for trying to suck the life out of us) "This is constant with you Vampirella, there is always something wrong with all of your support cases. You give the customer's wrong information and we have to pay the price. Well, no more, you're incompetent and stubborn, it's about damned time that you learned how to do this damned job."

That shut her up. She fixed the situation, and barely gave me a glance for the rest of the day.

At about 4:00 pm, I was checking my MSN contacts and I saw that her contact info had changed to this: "Lates....to all those people who piss me off. I finished high school and I don't have a low IQ so don talk to me like I em a kid. Watch the way you be takken to me"

I'm not kidding this is exactly how she wrote it. I made no comment on it, just kind of laughed at it.

Finally later on in the day when I got home and I tried to rest, but it was damned near impossible because I was still riled up over my "fight".

So I ended up watching movies on the computer until 2 am. BAD IDEA!

I finally went to sleep, but when I woke up I was dead tired. Still am! I can barely keep my eyes open.

I think I'm going to try to get some sleep today, instead of just resting my eyes.

Justification and Explanation

2005-09-05T00:40:00.000-03:00

This post will mean nothing to most of you out there, but to be honest, it's meant for one person specifically.

There are times when we screw up.

In my case it's often.

Why do we do this? I have no idea, but there are times when our actions and words are not governed by any rational thought process, but by a foolish desire for others to feel as badly as you do.

In my case I did this yesterday. I let my words hurt someone I care for. To be honest, hurting them was not my intent, but I knowingly said these stupid and foolish things.

Yes, I do admit that I have felt pain over things that have happened between she and I, but that was no reason to say the things I did. She at all times has been kind and civil to me, moreso than I ever deserved.

And now she's upset, and she's totally justified in being upset, angry, pissed off, and wanting to rip my head off constantly.

Add to this that I am definitely not feeling well, emotionally or physically, so when she tried to explain how she was feeling, I didn't understand a fucking thing.

All I can say now is I'm sorry. I've said it thousands of times before, and I'll probably say it thousands of times again.

I have been useless as a friend to understand your pain and hurt.

You have no need to justify or explain anything to me, ever. I don't deserve your explanations.

Only know this: You are the most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes upon. You are the sheer epitomy of kindness melded with pure beauty so as to create an amazingly wonderful woman.

You once sent me a song Beautiful Soul. As I write this I'm listening to that song, and I must tell you may be as beautiful as you are, so much so that when I saw you I was stunned, but it is definitely the beauty of your soul that makes you shine.

Believe me or don't believe me. That is your prerogative as an individual. Only know that I think this.

I feel the words

2005-09-04T23:14:00.000-03:00

So there I am sitting at my computer.

Listening to music, had just finished talking to Cowgirl, and she had to leave abruptly. And the moment she logs off I hear "Untitled" by A Simple Plan

I listened to this song and seriously for a few moments it felt as though it were written for me right at this moment. It just summed everything up.

So here for your reading pleasure are the lyrics.

"Untitled"

I open my eyes
I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light
I can’t remember how
I can’t remember why
I’m lying here tonight
And I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No I can’t stand the pain

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream

How could this happen to me
Everybody’s screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can’t explain what happened
And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done
No I can’t

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream

How could this happen to me

Watching my toenails grow

2005-09-04T16:54:00.000-03:00

I am completely and utterly bored.

There is absolutely nothing to do and noone to do it with. (I realize that that sounds incredibly kinky)

It's a gorgeous day, barely a slight breeze making the tree leaves flutter and nothing to do.

I could go out, but noone to go out with. I could go to a movie, but there's nothing more depressing than going to see a movie all by your lonesome.

Noone to call, noone to talk to, hell noone to chat with either. This is soooooooo depressing and annoying.

Nothing more to do than watch my toenails grow.

A moment of indecision...

2005-09-03T18:30:00.000-03:00

I'm ready.

As promised here is what happened when I spoke with my ex, last night.

She had asked me to call her so that we could talk about something, and of course as you all know I was terrified.

I've been calling her home daily so that I could talk to Frankie, and during these calls, she and I barely exchanged 3 or 4 words, except for last week when she wanted to talk about my son's birthday party (he's turning 3 on September 26).

During all of this time I didn't notice that anything was different with her. Goes to show you how intuitive I am.

Then a couple of nights ago she said "Can you call me on Friday night so that we can talk, just the two of us?"

Obviously I said yes, since I didn't really notice anything. I just kind of figured that it would have to do with Frankie's birthday.

So I called her. For the first 5 or 10 minutes we talked about useless, unimportant things, like how it was going for me here in Canada, my work, her work. I started getting nervous, so I flat-out asked her "What did you need to talk to me about?"

The 2 minutes that followed before she answered were probably the most nerve-wracking minutes I've gone through since I arrived in Canada. Finally she says to me "I want you to come back to us. Come back to Frankie, come back to me."

WTF?????????

Obviously this whole conversation is going on in Spanish.

I couldn't even move my mouth. Then she says "Mi amor, estas ahi?" This means "My love, are you there?"

I was so utterly confused. So utterly distraught that I broke down and started crying.

Those of you who read this blog on a regular basis will probably know a bit of the history here. This is the woman who said she stopped loving me almost a year ago, and who actually stopped loving me almost two years ago. This is the woman who returned to her abusive ex-boyfriend, because of one stupid cell phone call, where according to her "I heard his voice and he rocked my world" (I'm not kidding, those were her actual words, translated of course). This is the woman who no more than two months ago threatened to take my son away permanently, because I had gone to a friend's cottage in Wasaga Beach for a weekend.

She wants me to go back. By November. If it were only for Frankie, I wouldn't even hesitate.

But she wants me to go back for her too.

I tried explaining to her that I couldn't be with her anymore. There was just too much pain. She asked me if there was anyone else. 1 month ago, I would have answered in the affirmative, but I told her "No, there's noone else, and it has nothing to do with that anyways."

I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Do I still love her? Of course I do, noone can turn love on and off like a water faucet, and if they can, it wasn't true love to begin with.

What about my falling in love with someone else while I've been here? Yes, I do still love that person. How can this be? We all love different people differently. I'm not talking about caring, and loving, I'm talking about being in love.

How do I reconcile this? Emotionally I can't. I know that there is no possibility of a romantic relationship with the person here in Canada, and how am I supposed to go back to a woman who purported to love me at one time, and then because of a phone call decided that she didn't?

How am I supposed to fight for a love, which I don't know that I still want? When I had already fought my hardest to keep that love, and it failed?

I wrote not long ago that I was done with love. Obviously this was a hurt, rational decision. And rational decisions cannot dictate what the heart and mind feel. But do I continue to consciously choose not to love. Should I isolate myself emotionally from women, because I feel pain everytime that I am with them?

Do I go back? Go back to her?

For my son, I would go back, and I am seriously considering going back solely for him. He does need me.

But, do I go back for her?

I don't know.

I should have named my blog "I DON'T KNOW" instead of "STUCK BETWEEN WORLDS" maybe that would have been more appropriate.

Or maybe my current title really is the most appropriate, since it does show how I'm feeling right now.

This blog is my only outlet now. I don't have anyone to talk to about my issues and problems. Family? Forget about it. My family does not talk about their problems, we bottle them away and let them fester. Friends? I don't have many friends to speak of, only one really, she's my best friend, but I won't allow myself to burden her with my problems (even though I know she'll read about this here). I have to figure this out alone.

Alone.

Is there any scarier word in the English language?

I'm afraid to find out.

The Aristocrats

2005-09-03T09:10:00.000-03:00

************Warning: Read at your own risk!*****************************
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Well, I heard about this movie that Penn & Teller made, The Aristocrats. Apparently it's about a joke that's been told backstage of comedy acts since Vaudeville times. This is not a joke for the faint of heart, to be honest, it's not even for the strong of heart either. I've read that it was told at Hugh Hefner's Birthday party, and has been told even by one of the Smother's Brothers, but never in public, until this movie.

The joke goes something like this, and no way am I gonna write the whole thing, mostly because it's not the details of the joke that make it funny, but the personal delivery of each comedian that tells it.

A man walks into a talent agency and goes directly to speak with the talent agent in charge. He says : "I have the most amazing family act for you, you'll absolutely love it!" The talent agent looks at him and says: "I don't know, family acts are always cutesy, and sometimes boring"

The man: "Seriously you'll love it"

Talent Agent: "Ok, what's it about?"

At this point the man starts describing disgusting, revolting, degrading acts of incest, scat play, golden showers. Vile acts between each of the family members (who vary from telling to telling).

At the end of the telling, the Talent Agent is standing there with his mouth wide open, and finally says: "Oh my God! What do you call the act??"

The man looks at him and answers: "The Aristocrats"

I'm definitely gonna go see the movie, but for those of you who want a preview, there is a hilarious version done by Cartman from South Park here.

Holy Shit!

Apparently, over the phone, I'm doable!

2005-09-02T22:59:00.000-03:00

I'm a sex god!

Or maybe not.

I was on the phone today with a customer asking for assistance with her phone, and since it's Friday I decided to take it easy and enjoy the conversation. Oh boy, what a mistake.

Apparently the nice lady on the other end of the conversation thought I was really charming, and she decided to hit on me!

HOLY SHIT!

I decided to just let myself go, and have fun. There was nothing else to do.

After about 15 mins of conversation she decided to jump the gun and she said "I'm coming up to Canada and I'm going to do you!"

Guess I've got skills!

I think I must be irradiated!

2005-09-02T10:07:00.000-03:00

I have no fucking idea why, but I woke up in pain!

All over my body there were shots of pain going through. What the hell did I do to make my butt cheeks, my arms, my neck and my eyebrows hurt???????

I really don't get it.

In other news, I spent about an hour on the phone last night with Frankie. When we were finished talking he said "Bye Papa" and I said "Bye Frankie". Then I told him to hang up, and he said "No papa, you hang up first". I decided to play along with him and told him the exact same thing. We ended up doing that for almost 20 minutes. LOL!

I enjoyed talking to him alot, but I miss him alot too.

More news: My "ex"-wife wants to talk to me tonight. I have no idea about what, but she said that it's very important.

I think I'm scared.

I'm done with it all

2005-08-30T19:16:00.000-03:00

I'm done with love.

I know that's a little extreme, but yup, I'm done with love.

I give up.

I've decided that it'll be better to not love anymore. It'll hurt less.

I was once told that love not reciprocated cannot be true. In my case, I guess I'll just have to wait, and keep searching.

Friendship is good, though.

I should have listened to BG long ago. BG if you're out there, you were right. I'd love to talk to you tonight, 'cause I know you'd understand.

Does anyone have King Kong's phone number???

2005-08-30T16:21:00.000-03:00

I was hurt today.

I don't think the person meant to hurt me, at least I hope she didn't, but nonetheless, she did.

It made me feel really sick to my stomach. I don't mean that it disgusted me.

I just felt kind of confused. Like that's different from any other day, eh?

I tried explaining some of what was happening to me, but I couldn't find the words, and she took my hesitation in the wrong way. I think she was a little annoyed (or maybe alot) at that.

I don't know how to move forward now.

Impoverished Despair

2005-08-29T10:29:00.000-03:00

I bought a small white wristband today.

I also put a banner on my blog.

I've seen these banners and these small wristbands before, and I truly think that it's a very powerful and good cause. Make Poverty History.

I originally saw the banner on Adria's blog, and later saw the wristband on a friend's wrist a couple of weeks ago. I decided to look into it, and I truly think that there may be no better cause at this moment in time.

I have never suffered from poverty. I have never suffered want or despair. I truly don't think that many of us understand what it is to truly suffer from poverty. Of course we see the statistics, we see the images, and for those of us courageous enough, we see the first hand effects. But to truly feel the despair and desolation of poverty? To truly not know where your next meal is coming from?

Forget about all our petty worries, forget the stupid cell phone bill, or the internet bill. Forget about not being able to get that paintjob for your car, or that new designer pair of jeans. Forget about that hair care product, or those seriously cool sunglasses you want to buy. Forget about those shoes, or that DVD player, or that computer. It's all meaningless.

What isn't meaningless is trying to make the world a better place. Trying to help those people who literally cannot help themselves. We must rise above the inane meanderings of our lives, and assist.

I once read a book that proposed the idea that the purpose of life was "To Strive for the Infinite". This is a very ubiquitous statement which means that we must do everything we can to reach perfection, but that even though our journey may very well end in failure, we must continue to strive. What better way to strive for that infinite, than to try to end despair. To try to end suffering.

Join me in this simple yet powerful campaign to try and make the world a better place. Yes, I know this sounds corny, but as I've previously stated, the corny and cheesy lines are the ones that hold the most truth and are the most powerful. Buy a wristband, or put a banner on your website or blog, or write a letter, or write an email. Anything, so long as we help.

Help.

That's what we must do.

The pen having writ moves on...

2005-08-27T19:37:00.000-03:00

I've been sitting here surfing through blogs.

For maybe 2 hours, just surfing and surfing. I keep on surfing, I'm gonna start thinking I should go pro.

But I digress.

As I was saying, I've been surfing for all this time through all these blogs, and I keep returning to the same 7 or 8 blogs. Especially one.

Not that the other blogs I've seen aren't amazingly interesting, they are. It's just that returning to all these familiar blogs is like dropping in on an old friend just to say hi. This friend is never annoyed at the unexpected visit. Quite the contrary, this friend hopes that you will return, and often. And I do.

I'm stuck on these 7 or 8 blogs, because they're comfortable. I like feeling comfortable. But I don't like being stagnant. Stagnance leads to putrefication and that's not a good thing.

I don't want to get stuck in a rut of doing the same things everyday, but what else is one to do?

I just re-read everything I've just written, and for some reason it seems like I'm writing about something else entirely. Is this that damnable evasive subtext rearing its head again?????

Believe me, all I'm doing is trying to flesh my thoughts out. I'm just sitting here and listening to music. Wondering how I can move my life forward in the way I want to.

Do I take a step towards the ledge? Do I have the balls to jump off, not knowing if there's a safety net, not even really caring?

I'd like to ask something of my faithful readers. Comment on this post. Not with how amazingly well written it is ;-) or with how my bitter diatribes keep your attention, but with your own personal experiences. How have you, my faithful reader, moved forward? In what way have you decided to "read more than just the same blogs"?

What was your leap of faith?

Do we have ESP??

2005-08-26T15:20:00.000-03:00

I keep wondering, is there any truth to psychic abilities?

Can some people really see the future before it unfolds? Are some people truly empathic? Telepathic even?

Obviously this all sounds very cool, but at the same time it's a bit frightening. Consider this: If people can really see the future, does this mean that our future is pre-planned? Do we have no say in what we're going to do? Are we led to a final destination by some unknown hand?

If people are truly empathic or telepathic, are our emotions and thoughts no longer our own? Do they feel and sense the emotions and thoughts that are not fully formed or only the ones we consciously feel and think? For example, I got seriously pissed off at my uncle the other day, and for one instant there was an image of me punching him and then throttling him. Maybe 2 seconds later that image was gone. But do these empathic and telepathic people (if they exist) feel even these miscarriages of thought and emotion? I would never hurt my uncle or any other member of my family, but we've all thought at one moment or another "I'm gonna kill him/her"

Are these the thoughts that are being broadcast, as well as the nice thoughts we probably seldom have?

Then the question becomes "Do we all have these powers to some extent?"

If we make an analogy regarding physical abilities, we can analyze this. Not everyone can participate in the 100 M dash at the Olympics, or be a Hockey Star, or an amazing Soccer Player like Pelé. If we delve into mental abilities, not everyone can play Chess like Kasparov, or analyze String theory like Dr. Brian Greene. But aren't we all capable of small examples of these? I may not be able to analyze String theory like Dr. Greene, but I can do arithmetic. I can't play Soccer like Pelé could but I can kick the ball around with my Dad or my Son. Is this analogy apt? And if it is, does this mean that although not all of us have strong extra-sensory powers, all of us may be capable of using them at a bare minimum of level?

And so we arrive at Intuition. Might intuition be a low level version of seeing the future, empathy and/or telepathy? Might we all at one point or another be receiving images, feelings or thoughts from those closest to us emotionally? I say "emotionally" because if ESP works at all, it doesn't seem to be location or distance oriented.

Or is intuition just simply our subconscious mind analyzing reactions, our surroundings, sounds, smells, vocal modulations, past actions and then a logical conclusion arises based on these stimuli?

I don't know.

And what of moments when intuition starts poking its head around when there is no immediate physical interaction? Can it be true intuition? Is this evidence that intuition is truly a function of extra-sensory perception? Or does the argument fall to pieces?

What are we supposed to do? Do we follow what our intuition tells us? Do we base it all on faith?

I know these are a lot of questions. But sometimes questions are all we have.

It all kind of scares me.

The pain is overwhelming

2005-08-26T10:54:00.000-03:00

It hurts.

I cut my finger last night. Badly.

I was slicing bread for dinner last night, and next thing I know the bread is wet and red.

I just didn't understand what was happening, until I looked beside the sliced bread and saw a small piece of my index finger on the cutting board.

That's when it started to hurt.

I wasn't even paying attention. I guess I was kind of blue.

Luckily Crazy Glue works for finger parts. (I read somewhere that medics and nurses in World War I and II would use instant adhesive to close wounds temporarily, and I thought Why Not?)

Still hurts today.

It goes without saying that we didn't eat the bread.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY COWGIRL!!!

2005-08-25T11:23:00.000-03:00

It's today!

Well, a very special and important person is celebrating her 30th birthday today!

I'd like to wish her the very best on such a momentous occasion, as is her 30th birthday. Those of us who know her were all very blessed on the day she was born!

Please join me in wishing her the best of days.

Love you, hun!

I'm flabbergasted at how good he looks!

2005-08-24T12:39:00.000-03:00

I used to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer. A lot.

I guess you could say I was obsessed, but a good kind of obsessed.

To be completely honest, I really liked the character interactions. Sure, Sarah Michelle Gellar was seriously hot while kicking vampire ass, but it was good interactions.

I really liked the relationship between the Buffy and Angel characters, and later on the Buffy and Spike characters. I thought they clicked.

But today I was reading an article about James Marsters (Spike on Buffy) being cast as Brainiac on Smallville. So I decided to do an internet search of James Marsters, and holy crap!!! I found out he's 43 years of age!!!

Damn!

This guy looks amazing for his age!! He just turned 43 on Saturday (Happy Birthday James).

I hope I look that good when I'm his age. Hell, I wish I looked that good now.

What does it take to learn to fly?

2005-08-23T00:00:00.000-03:00

I'd really like to know...what does it take to be really happy?

I don't think happiness is inevitable. I truly think that we have to work to achieve it, looking for the things that make us happy during the days that we tread on this earth. I know of some things that make me happy and others that don't.

I've been really missing someone lately. In the past few days our communication has been sporadic at best, due to electronic problems. And because of this I've been sad and blue. I've been thinking about her constantly. I think about our conversations and the day we saw each other again. And those memories make me happy, but this lack of contact doesn't.

I talk with Frankie almost every day now, and whenever I talk to him he calls me Superman and Elephant (mostly because I do voices for him and he loves it). He laughs like crazy everytime we talk and he makes me smile, and for a time I'm happy.

Work holds no joy for me. I guess I'm just going through the motions, although I still give 100% if not more. It's just not in me to not try and do a great job. But even so, I have no purpose there.

Am I looking for reason, purpose, understanding? Am I trying to find meaning in words and emotions? I guess I am, but mostly I think I'm trying to do what everyone is trying to do, be happy.

I know we're all trying to find pretty much the same things as we ramble on through our lives. Moments of joy that will eventually accumulate into a general glow of happiness once we reach those final moments. But as we go through each of the moments of non-joy do we truly understand what will bring us happiness? Do we strive for that happiness with every fibre of our being? Or do we just float through life as if we were a piece of driftwood on the ocean, waiting to arrive at that sandy shore? Do we even know what will make us happy as we move through our lives? I know what makes me happy, I truly do. And this is a contradiction in and of itself.

Whenever I think about all of this my thoughts inevitably turn towards my special someone. I keep returning to the matter of this special woman because she has become such an important part of my life in so short of time. This astonishes me, but at the same time I love it. Not only am I in love with her, but she's my best friend. And I've noticed these past few days how much I miss her laughter, her voice, her smile, her eyes, her witty comments. I miss being able to constantly tell her how beautiful she is, even though I know she'll deny it always.

And I sit here staring at the computer screen thinking that maybe understanding will come. Maybe a shred of enlightenment. But no. I sit here and no answers come forth, only perpetual static. So I sit here wondering and hoping.

Wondering and hoping. What better definition of life is there?

Boring weekend

2005-08-22T14:01:00.000-03:00

I honestly did nothing at all this weekend.

I worked on Saturday night, and did nothing at work.

Sunday I did nothing of import. Honestly, the only thing I did on Sunday was watch "The Cat in the Hat".

All I really did all weekend was stare at the fucking computer screen. Damn thing mocks me. It laughs at me.

Chewing on my pen cap

2005-08-19T13:34:00.000-03:00

I'm kinda nervous.

I don't think I made as nice an impression as I thought.

I'm a little confused I guess. Actually no, I'm really confused.

Maybe she didn't feel the spark.

Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions. I should wait and see.

I WANT MY PILLOW!!

2005-08-18T09:37:00.000-03:00

Ugh.

I slept in this morning. Not much, just half an hour, but it screwed up my whole morning.

Woke up at 6:30 instead of my usual 6 am. So everything was delayed by half an hour. Raced to shower and get dressed then saw that the time was 7:15, so I just asked my grandfather to give me a ride.

I'm still tired.

On top of the Empire State Building on Valentine's...

2005-08-17T22:28:00.000-03:00

I met the woman of my dreams.

Literally.

I was nervous as hell this morning when I woke up at 4:30 am.

Yup, 4:30 am.

I had a long trip ahead of me, for a meeting that would be brief, but I didn't care. Even 5 minutes with her would have been a joyous eternity.

With all the bus trips and train trips the trip to her hometown took 4 hours. But once I was well underway, my nerves started to calm down.

Once I arrived in her hometown, I decided that the first thing I should do was figure out where the hell I was in relation to her, location-wise. I bought a map. I know, I know, very touristy thing to do, but heck I was a tourist! Once I had the map I found out that I was pretty damned far-away from her, so I started walking. It's a good thing I got there early!

After about an hour of walking I finally caught a cab (I hadn't up until this point because I was looking for a convenience store that carried the specific brand of gum she asked me to buy her). I also bought her a single rose. It's her favourite flower, and I really wanted to buy it for her.

I gave the cabbie the address, and off we went.

Lucky me, I gave him the wrong address. But as luck would have it, I was only off by half a block, and I saw the correct place to go.

So once I got there I sat and waited.

I was starting to get nervous again, mostly because I started doubting that I was in the right place. So every 5 minutes I'd get up, check the address and then sit back down again. Add to this that when I first sat down I fell on my ass and almost had the whole bench fall on me, and you can imagine how uptight I was. Either way, I wanted to be sitting there when she came out, but just my goddamned fucking luck, the minute that she came out, I was checking the address, so she almost left and didn't see me!

But I ran back and knocked on the window of her door. I think she was surprised to see me.

The hug I gave her felt soooooooooo good. And she's sooooooo beautiful I could barely breathe.

She asked me to get into her car and we went off to have a quick lunch.

We were kind of indecisive, mostly because we were both nervous. And I just couldn't keep my eyes off of her. She's so incredibly beautiful.

We went to Subway and ordered a couple of wraps, and then went back to the car. I just sat there and looked at her, wasn't even thinking of eating.

Her nerves started really showing through when she started rifling through her wallet, trying to avoid looking at me.

I couldn't help it, I kissed her, and I was hers. There was no more fighting it (at least not for me), no more doubts, no more fears.

She tastes like sweet canteloupe. What an amazing woman!

We talked for a bit, I kissed her again. We talked some more, I held her hand. We talked a little more, and then I kissed her again. She had to go back to work.

We drove back to work, and I hugged her goodbye. I wanted to spend more time with her, but we all have responsibilities. (I shirked mine today by taking the day off, but it was my first day off since I started working, so I think I deserved it)

And then I made my way back to the bus station and came back home. The trip home was uneventful.

But I couldn't stop smiling, I still can't.

Multi-coloured winged insects covered in stomach acids.....

2005-08-15T15:32:00.000-03:00

Well, as promised I have returned.

It was shaping up to be a bleak weekend when I woke up on Saturday morning. I had to work 10 am to 10 pm (a nice change from my 10 pm Saturday to 10 am Sunday shift). And I knew I would be bored out of my mind.

I woke up too damned early that morning, at about 6:30 am. Do I know why? Not a fucking clue! So there I am bored out of my skull and it's only 7 am.

The day was not starting out well.

My grandfather drove me in to work (Definitely one benifit in living with him) and I settled in for my nice long shift. I had taken movies to watch, books to read, and was planning on doing a lot of blog-surfing.

I decided to go into the Flirt website, and see what people were talking about in there.It actually turned out to be an amusing conversation with multiple people. Sort of like an orgy of words.

Finally, the day started brightening up. My special friend came online. She was at work, and as bored as I was, but lucky her she had work to keep her busy. All I could do was stare at the phone for an inordinately obscene amount of time and wait for it to ring.

We exchanged brief words throughout the day. Mostly witty banter, making each other laugh as usual.

At the same time I was carrying on 2 conversations in Flirt, and 2 other MSN conversations. On MSN, 1 with Gabe's girlfriend (it's kind of odd to chat with her, especially considering what happened, but she has a quick wit and is a pleasure to chat with) and another with this very interesting Argentine woman. Both pleasureable conversations, but the person I really wanted to talk to was my special friend.

The day went by slowly, but surely. I did absolutely nothing all day except chat and surf. To be honest there was work to be done, but I forgot about doing it. After a while, our online chat ended as she was finished work and had to go home.

In the early evening, my friend came back online, and somehow I gathered the nerve to ask her to call me. We ended up talking for about 40 minutes. I so enjoy talking to her. It's comfortable, and reassuring.

I felt that it had been a good work day.

Now we arrive at Sunday. A day which I never thought would come. Not that Sunday doesn't come every week, because as far as I know it does, unless everyone's playing a really bad joke on me and the week is only 6 days long, and haven't told me about it. That's just cruel. Please stop?

We now return you to our regularly scheduled program.

Well Sunday. What can I say? You all know the story. Boy meets girl, boy likes girl, boy chats with girl, boy chats with girl some more, and more and more. That's about how it was, and I was sure it would always be like that. But at one point my friend, came online not to chat but because she needed to vent.

She was having some problems, of which there is no need for me to get into here, and she needed to vent a bit. She wasn't looking for help, but I decided to offer my assistance. Obviously she rejected my assistance, at first. I was insistent. And finally she accepted.

I felt such joy that I will be able to help her. And I could tell that she was relieved.

The turning point came not long after.

She came back online, and we started chatting again. We were just kidding around, and at one point I made a joking comment about trying to pick up one of my neighbours (I really don't know any of my neighbours, but it was a funny thing to say).

And she said "You're not allowed to pick anyone up"

Obviously I asked her why, and she responded "because you're mine"

WTF??????????????

huh?

what?

She finally told me, after some prodding, and a little bit of kidding, that she came to a realization during our conversation. What realization you may ask?

She got butterflies. That's it. She got butterflies in her tummy, and she finally realized she's in love with me, and wants to be with me. Obviously her situation is a blockade to this, but I have faith.

She's in love with me, and I'm in love with her.

She's opened her heart to me.

And I'm going to see her on Wednesday.

I just love those butterflies.

A Dictionary and a Thesaurus just won't do!

2005-08-15T01:24:00.000-03:00

I have no words.

There is no way to describe what's happened.

I'm flabbergasted, overjoyed, exalted, and none of those descriptions is enough.

What can I say to describe what I'm feeling?

I'm floating.

I'll write more, I promise. I just have to find my words again.

Looking into the sun hurts, but what a beautiful sight!

2005-08-13T21:44:00.000-03:00

I'm in love, no doubt about it. I can't deny it to anyone anymore, not even myself.

Every single time I hear her voice it sounds like angels are singing. She has finally opened up a little to me without evasive subtext. Not much, but a little. I think she was inspired by a previous post ;)

How can one summarize a life of supposed happiness, and not truly know what it was to be happy. That one person could so easily make you happier than you ever have been without actually doing anything.

I'm in love with a beautiful woman, who has no inkling of how beautiful she is. I'm in love with a beautiful soul which hides itself from the world. I'm in love with beautiful eyes that make the brightest stars seem dull. I'm in love with the sweetest laughter, that sounds as if it were a choir singing the praises of God.

Might I be in love?

Hidden meanings??

2005-08-12T22:50:00.000-03:00

I was reminded of the Mel Gibson movie What Women Want today.

If we all had the power to read women's minds, would we really know what they want? I've had so many situations in the past few months (normally with one woman) where what she says, what she thinks and what she actually means or wants are all different things!

It's extremely confuzzling.

I've been kidding the last couple of hours with a friend about this, calling it evasive subtext. I know, I know, not the most inventive of phrases, but I make do.

This evasive subtext pervades a lot of our conversations (at least I think it does, and there lie all my doubts), but how are men actually supposed to understand women's true desires when they're always so difficult to actually know. And I don't necessarily mean sexual desires, but those are included. I speak of emotions, hopes, dreams, little hopes too.

How can a man truly know if a song a woman sends him is meant to convey some deeper meaning, or it's just a cool song she heard? How can a man know if a certain giggle at a certain time, means that she truly considers him more than a friend, or she's amused at the idea?

How can a man truly know if a woman truly desires a man, if at the time he straight out asks her she evades the question and then sends him romantic songs, says confuzzling things to him and leaves him with more doubts?

To all you men out there, I say this: I don't know the answer. I truly thought that by asking directly, being straightforward and honest, one could get straight answers, apparently this is not so.

I invite all women out there to comment, give opinions and hopefully tell us, what do we have to do to get a straight answer out of you?

The fool that I am

2005-08-12T10:21:00.000-03:00

I'm an idiot.

I'm an asshole.

I thought I was doing the right thing, and I was wrong.

I'm sorry.

Cleanliness?

2005-08-11T14:27:00.000-03:00

So, I've been back at my uncle's place for almost a week.

OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It seems that my uncle and my grandfather have never heard of a mop, or a broom or a fucking vacuum cleaner!!!!!

Since my grandmother has left, these two men have to basically fend for themselves, and neither one of them likes to clean!

I thought this would change after a day or two, maybe they were tired. But no, the plates just kept on piling up, the floors were nasty, and the clothes in the hamper were screaming bloody torture.

Now many of you may be wondering, why I just didn't dive in and clean everything. Well, I do have to admit I was tired. I've been working constantly, and on the weekends I've been doing fairly long and tiring night shifts. So I was pretty much burnt out.

But, by yesterday, the house had gotten to a point where not even the rotting corpse of a defecated on sewer rat would live there, I got pissed off and had it out with my uncle and my grandfather.

I told them, "Look we're all living here so we're all gonna have to clean up. I'll do it this one time alone, because it's obvious you two won't, but this is gonna change and cleaning will be done." I cleaned the house up, took me until 1 am, but it got done.

I know we're all tired, but damn! It was nasty in there. I work, my uncle works, and my grandpa stays at home cooking and watching TV, so we're all going to pitch in.

I soooo hate pig stys. Maybe I was trained too well by the women in my life, or maybe I just like cleanliness. Either way, I'm not gonna be living in one.

An uneven scale and a conundrum

2005-08-10T12:48:00.000-03:00

I've been torturing myself for the past few days.

A few days ago I decided that I would go see a friend of mine in person. I haven't told anyone of this decision, not even her (although I know she'll read this post). I'm trying to convince myself not to go, and it's a losing battle.

So in all fairness, I've decided that I will post the pros and cons of going to see her.

Pros

#1 I really, really want to

#2 She makes me happier than I have ever been

#3 She cares for me and wants to see me

#4 There is no doubt in my mind that I'm in love with her

Cons

#1 She lives 2 hours away by car

#2 She has commitments

#3 I don't have a car so I'd have to take a bus (I don't mind this, but I'm honour bound to put it down)

#4 ?????????????????

That's it. Now, to all you out there. What do I do?

Plentiful Lives???

2005-08-10T08:09:00.000-03:00

Do any of us remember how we used to survive without computers?????

I know that some of us are old enough to remember a time when there wasn't a PC in every home, when internet access was a non-existent phrase.

How about TV's? How did we ever survive without TV's????????? I mean, I always had a TV in my home, when I was a kid growing up we had at least 2 or 3. But I was chatting with my papa on MSN and he actually mentioned how he didn't even watch a TV show until he was 17.

WTF???????????????????????

Ok, granted, my papa grew up on a farm in South America. They were actually one of the poor families, but just knowing that boggles the mind!

I get up every morning at 5:50 am, so I can have my morning shower, have a cold glass of juice for breakfast, and then I'm on the computer. I check my e-mail, chat with my papa, read news articles, read blogs, chat with friends, download music, and other things. All on the blessed computer.

I haven't looked at a newspaper in over a year, I barely watch TV anymore, I use the phone, but that's only to talk with my son and 1 specific friend (who I chat with as well), and I don't even think of buying CD's anymore.

There have been a couple of times since I returned to Canada that I have had to go without a computer, and at those times I've actually been reduced to twiddling my thumbs! ME!! Twiddling my thumbs!

I tried watching TV, tried reading books, hell, I even tried listening to the radio, but I got bored of those things minutes after I started!

And I'm not alone in this, I know of dozens, if not hundreds, of others who live their lives around the All-Mighty PC. I'm not talking about people who need them for work, but just people who surf, read, and have fun on computers.

Believe me, if computers were to suddenly disappear from the general populous, there would be mayhem. Riots in the streets. Public executions. Martial law would ensue. Insanity would be the rule of the world.

Or at least that's how I'd feel.

:)